The New Normal
by ksjf2012
Summary: A sad but great Kogan story! Review perhaps? SLASH
1. Chapter 1

This is a normal, happy, loving family eating a turkey dinner. The children are clean and happily stuffing their faces making small talk about their day at school. Occasionally one will ask for the salt, or for more gravy and instead of arguing, and telling them to get it themselves, they help. They hand them what they want and continue on with their small talk. The four children sitting around the table are happy. But to look down at either end of the table, would cause serious confusion. The parents look nothing even close to what their children do. They don't look happy. In fact they look sad ad even sick. One more than the other. I'm the other.

I'm not proud to admit that I'm not the sick one. I would prefer it that way. But I can't be, and since it happened, I've been told I have to live with it. But it gets harder every day because he seems to be getting worse every day. Seeing him dwindle down to nothing…is so heartbreaking. It hurts to see his sunken in eyes and pale skin. It hurts even more to know there is nothing physically I can do for him.

"Poppa can you hand me a napkin?" I snapped out of my thoughts and smiled at my second oldest child, Maggie. I grabbed the top most one and handed it to my left. She smiled small at me and I smiled back before looking back down at my full plate. I moved around the mashed potatoes and put some on my fork, lifting it to my mouth.

"Daddy?" I looked u and saw my youngest son, Joey look up at Kendall who turned to him and gave him a happy but fake face. "My teacher told me yesterday that I'm already tall for my age. Does that mean I'm going to be as tall as you when I'm older?" He chuckled and wiped his mouth before sitting back.

"You might end up being taller than me." Joey immediately started bouncing around in his seat and I smiled. I looked around the table and noticed most of all of their plates were empty and I sighed standing up grabbing my still full plate.

"Why don't you guys go watch some TV if you're done. Since you cooked I'm on clean up duty." The two youngest, Joey and Samantha jumped up fast and ran out of the dining room. I turned fast and pushed open the door to the kitchen. I walked right to the sink and set my plate in before leaning against the sink and bending slightly, closing my eyes. I breathed out hard and clenched my jaw, so the tears I wanted to let fall so desperately didn't fall. It was hard to keep it together this long. But I was going to continue to do it until I got up in my bathroom and was able to let the shower water, and my tears mix, so no one could tell the difference. And when I say no one, I mean Kendall.

"Poppa? You okay?" I stood up fast and turned seeing my two oldest walk towards me, plate sin hands. Maggie got next to me first and set the plates in the sink. "We don't mind cleaning up." I smiled and kissed her forehead before turning her slightly and gently pushing her towards the door.

"Go relax…after I clean up, we still have to put up the tree so if you guys could, go up in my room and find a white and red box with Christmas written on the side and bring it down, and then you guys can relax." She looked hesitate but nodded and turned to Chris who walked up to me and set his plates in the sink. He only nodded and walked behind Maggie, both disappearing to the hallway. I stayed still for a minute before pushing up the sweater sleeves and turning back to the sink.

I left my mind drift into a state where I wasn't aware of my own thoughts because honestly, knowing and thinking about nothing, is better than to have a million and one things running through it, causing stress and sadness. I only realized the dishes I had washed were now in the dishwasher and I still needed to clean the table off when the hot water started burning my hands. I grabbed a towel and turned looking down at my beat red hands. I didn't even know he was there. I almost smashed into the plate he was holding but he stepped back in time. I glanced up at his face and he chuckled walking around me. "You were doing it again…" I frowned and walked out into the dining room, grabbing a few bowls and a few empty glasses of milk before walking back in the kitchen. His sleeves were pushed up on his own shirt and he was doing the dishes.

"I was doing what again?" I set the bowls still full of food on the counter and looked up at him. He smiled and turned to me.

"You were dozing off, into your own little world, not even noticing what was happening around you. You've been doing that quite a bit."

"You don't need to do these Kend-"

"And you were acting weird again tonight. You weren't paying attention to the kids stories, and you hardly touched your food. If I didn't know you that well I would think you're the one who's sick." I gently reached in the sink grabbing his hands and pushing him away, gently, with a smile.

"Go watch Cartoons with your kids." He sighed, irritated behind me and picked up where he left off with the dishes. When I saw him get next to me and pull down a few plastic containers for the food I shook my head.

"I thought they were our kids." I turned to him fast and smiled small. He set the plastic bowls down and leaned down into me. He kissed me softly, sending sparks up into my brain, begging me to ask him for more. But he pulled away to fast. "There you are." He snorted quietly turning back to the dishes and he sighed putting the leftover food in the bowls. "What are we going to do with the rest of this bird?"

"Let it fly home?" He nudged me gently and I couldn't help the laugh and the smile and the slight feeling of happiness. "Sammy's teacher pulled me aside yesterday when I picked her and Joe up."

"Yeah…everything okay?" I bent down putting a dish in the sink and shrugged.

"I guess some of the other parents heard that you are…" I froze and felt the happiness creep out and get replaced with the sick and sad feeling again.

"That I have cancer?" His voice was quiet and I turned to look up at him nodding. He scooped some green bean casserole in a plastic dish and I looked back at the sink.

"I guess…they didn't really explain to their kids that it isn't contagious and she is having a hard time telling them she isn't sick, because I guess she doesn't really know either and…" The plate I was holding slipped form my hands and broke into little and big pieces in the sink. I gasped out and closed my eyes, the tears already coming down. A soft and comfortable hand was on my shoulder turning me, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't face him, because I had to stay strong for him and for our children.

"Logan…Loges…" I was turned an pulled into his warm and skinny body. I felt lips on the top of my head and heard a small sob rip through my throat, escaping out past my lips and pushed into the soft fabric of his cotton long sleeved shirt. "Shush…baby it's okay…it's going to be okay." I reached around behind him and grabbed two handfuls of his shirt and tugged. I felt my knees buckling and I knew if I fell, so would he. But I couldn't get myself to calm down. I couldn't stop the tears and I couldn't stop the sobs. I definitely couldn't stop the feeling of my body giving up. And it did. My knees buckled out and I collapsed onto him. And he caught me.

"Daddy?" Hearing my sweet Samantha's voice only made me worse, but still I couldn't do anything about it.

"It's okay sweetie…poppa's fine…Christopher?" I felt myself moving, along with Kendall and pushed my eyes open just enough to see my scared kids face watch me get lead out of the kitchen.

"Dad?"

"Can you guys finish the dishes and get you brother and sister cleaned up?"

"Of course…is pop okay?" I squeezed my eyes shut seeing Chris and gritted my teeth, feeling myself slowly calm down.

"He's okay…don't worry. I'll be down in a minute." We moved, this time quicker. I realized we were at the stairs and I pushed myself up, on him and walked up the stairs myself. When we walked down the hall leading to our room, I was able to keep my eyes open without crying. He pushed me into the room and quickly set me on the bed. When he kneeled down in front of me I reached down quick and cradled his face shaking my head and letting my bottom lip quiver. "Logan…"

"I can't lose you." He went quiet and set down completely on his knees. His hands went softly on my hips and I let my fingers trace over his soft skin. "You can't leave me…you have to stay here with me and Chris, and Maggie, Samantha and Joey. You can't leave us Kendall. You…you have to promise me that you'll stay here with us. Please…" I closed my eyes and felt myself sliding off the bed. I did and my butt hit the floor hard. I pushed my legs up and put my elbows on my knees, covering my face with one hand, while the other still held his gently. "You have to-to promise me Kendall."

"Logan…" I felt him move towards me, and one of his hands cupped my neck gently. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me with wide and worried eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you and the kids, I promise you." I moved in quick and put my arms around his neck pulling him down for a much needed hug.

We stayed in each other's arms but it wasn't as long as I wanted. I knew he must have been sore from the position and he was probably getting tired, because he started to get up. I followed quick and set us both on the bed. He was quick to lift one of his arms so I could get underneath it. I did and wrapped my arms around his torso. He laid his head on mine and slowly started to run his fingers up and down my arm and back. "Don't scare me like that again Mr." I smiled and pushed into him. "I know it's Thanksgiving and our tradition is putting up the tree after dinner while we watch Christmas movies but…I don't think you're up for it. Physically anyway." I opened my eyes and lifted my head pushing away from him slightly. We locked eyes and he nodded moving one of his hands up to my hair where he ran his fingers through it. "You looked so exhausted. Why don't you get into some sweats and get in bed. I know the kids will understand…" I opened my mouth to protest, but he cut me off. "We'll do it tomorrow before we go shopping." As much as I hated disappointing the kids with not doing it. The whole going to bed was really sounding like a good idea. I sighed and looked away from him at our huge walk in closet.

"Okay…that sounds perfect actually." There was a soft kiss to my head and he got up walking to the door. "Tell the kids I'll come say goodnight." He only nodded before walking out, and shutting the door softly. I fell back on the bed and closed my eyes breathing out hard.

How could I have let him see me like this? He must think I can't handle anything now, and he must think he needs to do more, which will cause more stress for him. I can't let that happen, especially if something happened to him. Something worse. But I can't keep bottling all these feelings up to the point that when I do let them out, it's worse than it has to be. How can I find a middle ground between being strong for my husband who has lung cancer, and keeping a level headed and healthy mind set?

I sat up slowly and stood up even slower. I walked into our closet and straight to the dresser in the middle. I took off my jeans kicking them to the floor not even bothering to put them in the hamper and peeled off my sweater. I opened the top drawer and grabbed a plain white shirt, and a pair of black baggy sweats. When I put them on I walked out of the closet and went to the door. I walked slowly down the hallway to the stairs and the first step I touched I stopped. I could hear faint talking in the living room and I even heard a soft giggle from Sam.

"When we go out tomorrow, I'll make sure to get you guys some frozen hot chocolate okay?" The two younger ones agreed with excitement and I walked down, only to where I could see them, but hopefully they couldn't see me. I sat down by the railings and smiled small. Kendall was in the middle of the living room sitting on the floor with Sam in his arms and Joey right next to him. The older ones were in front of him, smiling, but still looking worried and sad.

"It's poppa going to be okay?" I wrapped my arms around my legs and set my cheek on one, still looking out at them.

"Of course he is. And guess what? So am I." Joey nodded and Kendall sighed. "I know it hasn't been easy, and I know you guys are scared but nothing will happen that isn't supposed to happen. You guys need to promise me that if something does happen to me…that you'll take care of your poppa." All four of them looked at him with pure sadness. I felt my heart break for the 15th billion time and closed my eyes. "And you guys have to promise to look out for each other, and always take care of each other. No matter how sad or angry you get at this situation you have to promise me you will talk to each other or me or your poppa. And at the end of every night, you have to promise me, when you prey, you don't ask God to make me better. That you ask him to help see us through this, and protect us. Do you guys promise?" My throat swelled up and I stood up quick. I turned and hurried up the stairs trying to get back to the room, but I heard them.

"We promise daddy…"

**I KNOW I HAVE A KOGAN STORY OUT ALREADY BUT…I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE…SO GIVE IT A CHANCE! AND LET ME KNOW WHATCHA THINK! **


	2. Chapter 2: Slip Through My Fingers

**Kendall's .**

The worst part about all of this is the waking up after only a few hours of sleep, and having to get up to cough. The coughing was okay. I was handling it alright but it was the times when the blood would come out with it. Sometimes with the blood coming out with it, I would have to get up and just wait by the toilet or the sink so I could wash the blood away. And in those times, really was the only times I would think about the whole situation. Well whenever Logan brought it up I would think of it too, but seeing the blood actually coming out with my cough was a real eye opener.

I hated having to get up because yes, it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch but I would always wake him up. Between actually coughing, and getting out of bed, I would be surprised if he didn't wake up. With my body completely doubled over, my head in the sink, letting the cool water mist onto my face, I didn't hear him. I heard something like glass hit the counter and when I turned to the side I saw a tall glass of ice cold water. I stood up and turned completely seeing Logan leaning against the door frame in nothing but a pair of black sweats. I wiped my chin fast and put my hand under the water, rinsing it off. He yawned and rubbed his face. "Sorry…" He shook his head and pointed to the glass.

"Drink some water…you might want to take your pills…" He glanced at his watch and nodded. "Just only one though." I nodded and turned back to the sink opening the medicine cabinet. "Before we go back to sleep I want to show you something." I grabbed a white pill bottle and unscrewed it fast. I poured one out onto my hand and tossed into my mouth fast. I grabbed the glass and took a big swig, swallowing hard. It burned like it usually did but I suffered through it. When I put the glass back down it was half empty and I looked to him. He put out his hand and I took it smiling small. He led me out, after I turned out the light, and I followed him out of the dark bedroom. We didn't walk far in the hallway because he stopped right in front of Maggie's room. He gently pushed the door open and I peered over his head, smiling instantly.

Laying in her queen sized bed with the blankets kicked off was Maggie. She was in a pair of reindeer pajama pants and a plain white shirt with fuzzy pink socks. She looked really cute, like when she was a tiny baby. But she wasn't alone. Snuggled into her older sisters side was Sam. She was in a big shirt, covering her whole body, kind of like a dress. I recognized it as one of mine. My heart melted and I squeezed Logan's hand. He turned back to me and smiled. "That's not all." He pushed past me softly and led me a little further down the hall stopping in front of Chris's room. His door was already pushed open all the way and I almost laughed out loud. Chris was on his stomach, just in a pair of black boxers with his little brother laying over top him. Literally. He was draped over his brothers broad body also only in a pair of boxers. His mouth was hanging open, and a little drool was falling onto his brothers bare back. Logan turned back to me and chuckled quietly. "Remember when the two older ones use to do that to us?" I nodded and he walked into me, yawning, and laid his head on my chest. I set my chin on his head and sighed quietly. "Penny for your thoughts?" I closed my eyes and shook my head. "So…let's go to bed?" It was a question that made me think he would have done something else, but I ignored it because I was sore, and felt another cough come up. I lead us back down the hallway into our room and let go of his hand walking to my side of the bed. My chest was hurting again. I was feeling weak again, because of using all my energy to cough up earlier. When I laid down I kept the blankets off and squeezed my eyes shut hearing a wheeze come out. "We don't have to go out tomorrow…or well today." I opened my eyes and squeezed my hands tight.

"We promised the kids black Friday shopping."

"Kendall…" I turned my head fast to see him pulling the blankets up under his chest, laying on his side. He was staring at me and as best as I could I turned to him.

"I just need to sleep. When I wake up I'll take my other pill and be ready to go. I'll be okay Loges."

"Kendall you need to rest as much as you can." I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw tight. "I know the kids will understand. Besides, it's sowing like crazy out there. I don't want…"

"Logan." He went quiet and I re opened my eyes. He was looking at me, worried and with hurt eyes. "If I wasn't up to doing it, I would tell you."

"Would you?" I raised my eyebrows and he shook his head softly. "You've been stubborn since the day you were born. If you rest it's because someone is making you." I rolled my eyes and scooted closer to him. I put my face in his neck and one of his hands moved up to my head and ran his fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes and put one of my arms around his waist, to pull myself closer to him. I pressed our bodies together and he lightly kissed my forehead. "I know the kids will understand. And maybe we could have a family day with the snow falling outside, the fire blazing, and watch a bunch of Christmas movies. It will be a fun day." I sighed softly and felt another cough coming up. I went to pull away but he held me close to him. "Don't even try to fight me on this Mr. Man." I closed my eyes quick and felt eh cough rip up from my chest and out of my mouth. Along with what I assumed to be blood. I was let go of fast and I sat up quick, covering my mouth and coughing into my closed fist. I coughed a few more times, feeling more blood coming out and a few tears coming out of my eyes. When I knew the coughing wasn't going to continue I looked back so embarrassed and disgusted with myself. Logan slowly pushed himself up and moved to get out of the bed.

"Logan…I'm so sorry…" He shook his head and walked quick to the bathroom. I let out a small sob and also got out of the bed. I walked slowly into the bathroom to see him splashing water on his face. He gently rubbed his face and neck for a minute or so before standing up and grabbing a wash cloth to dry himself. We locked eyes through the mirror and he turned quick. I could see the blood on my chin and slowly moving down over my neck. He moved forward quick and wiped over my face with the towel. I closed my eyes and let another sob out.

"Shh…it's okay. It's alright Ken…" I felt my head shake as he gently dapped at my chin and neck. "Kendall step forward for a second…" I was tugged gently and I opened my eyes slowly. He turned around and put the wash cloth under the water. His skin was clear of blood and I swallowed a sob, feeling the burn rip down my throat. He turned back to me and continued wiping up my face. He tried getting me to look at him but I looked over his head and shook, softly. I was feeling so weak I couldn't even bring my arms up to wipe my face. "Baby…you need to calm down. Just breathe in and out softly and slowly." His free hand rubbed over my chest, soothingly and in a loving way. I dared to glance down at him and he looked up to my face quick. He stopped moving and put his hand down holding the cloth. "You feeling okay?" I shook my head as best as I could and he tossed the cloth back quick and put his hand son my slim and pathetic waist. I breathed in hard and almost couldn't breathe back out. Just walking the short distance from the bathroom to the bed, was so painful and excruciating I almost didn't make it. He set me on the edge of the bed and sighed quietly. I looked up at him and he frowned, biting his bottom lip. "Here…just…just lay down. I'll take care of the sheets as best I could…" I didn't hear the rest of his sentence because I laid down on my pillow fast and fell asleep hard.

I woke up shivering and wheezing. Again with the wheezing. It was so God damn frustrating…I wanted nothing more than to have my lungs removed and just end the torture. But when I opened my eyes and got up to rub my chest and groan, I stopped. I slowly pushed up and couldn't help the smile on my face. Form down stairs I heard soft music playing along with the singing of my 5 favorite people. I sat up the rest of the way ad stood up on wobbly legs. I looked down and realized I was in a pair of grey sweats tied around my waist, and a plain white shirt. I looked back down at the bed and saw there was no sheet on the bed. Underneath where I was lying, there was a soft and warm blanket. I had no idea why the sheet was off and only a blanket on my side. I also was completely aware that I had no blankets over top of me before I woke up. I shrugged it off and headed to the closet. I peeled off my shirt and glanced at my reflection in the mirror at the back of the closet. I was skinny, that was obvious, but I was also a lot paler then I remember. I again shrugged the thought off and grabbed a random sweater hanging up. I pulled it on and slipped on a pair of fuzzy warm slippers.

When I walked down the stairs I stopped on the second to last one. Christmas music filled the living room. Dancing around, and cleaning the furniture in the living room where my two sweet girls. They were singing softly to themselves and wearing smiles as big as the house. I stepped off the last step and cleared my throat loud enough to get their attention. Maggie turned fast and smiled even bigger. "Daddy!" She put her rag down and walked to me quick. She stepped to me and hugged me tight. "How are you feeling dad?"

"Uhm…fine. A little confused. What's…what's going on?" She pulled away and smiled grabbing my hand and leading me through the living room. Samantha quickly walked to my other side and grabbed my hand jumping slightly. I chuckled and let them pull me into the kitchen but we didn't stop. Even though the kitchen smelt like Christmas and bacon, and I was craving the bacon. They walked me into the laundry room and I saw the garage door open. Maggie let go of my hand and walked in before me.

"Poppa? Daddy's awake." I followed in, after picking up Samantha and setting her on my hip. I stepped into the garage grateful for my slippers. The door was open letting the wind and snow come in, making it about 20 degrees cooler then it usually is. Logan was staring at me, while holding a ladder. I glanced up and saw Chris was on the ladder looking in the attic.

"Hey honey…how do you feel?" I smiled and walked around the front of my car and towards him still holding Sam. "You look peaky." I only smiled and looked up to see Chris in a sweater and gloves and hat, searching for, I have no idea what.

"What are you guys doing?" Logan sighed and I glanced down to him.

"Well…I don't remember where we put the tree." I snorted loudly and put my head back laughing. "What?" I shook my head and reached up, gently hitting the back of Chris's leg.

"Get down Chris…the tree isn't up there." I looked down to Logan and he gave me a weird look. "Loges we had a real tree last year. Remember we went out into the woods and stayed in that cabin because of the storm…" Logan slapped his forehead and Chris hopped down off the ladder. "We should go get a new one, a fake one today so we can put it up." He opened his mouth to say something about our talk last night, and I sighed. "Don't' start…" I looked to Chris and handed Sam over to him, growing weak. "Can you search online, and see if there is any sales on trees today? Maybe over 7 feet?" He smiled and nodded but turned to Maggie. They gave each other weird looks, and Maggie quickly took Sam from him. I frowned and Chris turned to me and Logan.

"I need to talk to you guys about something." I perked up and leaned against the car crossing my arms over my chest.

"Joey go inside with your sisters and get dressed to go out!" Logan yelled out into the snow and a few seconds later, Joey ran in, covered in snow. He was smiling though and ran past us, following after his sisters. "And hang up your coat…he didn't hear me." I smiled and pulled Logan into me, letting him lay his head on my chest. "What's up buddy?" I rubbed Logan's arm gently and Chris sighed sticking his hands in his pockets.

"I didn't get my scholarship to Notre Dame." I went still and Logan stood up straight. "It's okay…I don't care. I can go to school here and play football MSU."

"Chris…" He shrugged and I felt really bad. He wanted to play for the fighting Irish since he was a little baby. He's wanted to be a quarterback since we watched our first football game together. I loved that he found a passion and I loved that he worked so hard for it. Just to see it slip form his hands. Much like how my life was…


	3. Chapter 3: It's Okay to Be Scared

**Logan's P.O.V.**

I think I hated going to these appointments more than Kendall does. His doctor says the same thing every time. "_Nothing's changed…but don't lose hope." _ It's funny actually. Everyone tells me and my husband it will get better and nothing will take a turn for the worse, but they have no idea that this middle ground, between him being sick and being almost healthy is worse than any bad news they can tell you. It's like waiting for the grim reaper to come and take him away from me. I try to stay positive and open minded but, it's hard when the doctors and the professionals, don't know what to do to help you.

Usually these trips every two weeks to the doctor's office is a solo trip for Kendall and I, but this one is different. I guess since my outburst and emotional breakdown on Thursday night the kids are even more worried about me. Especially our youngest, Joey. He demanded we take him with us to "the place daddy gets better" and he wasn't taking no for an answer. When Kendall walked into the garage just to turn on the car and get it warmed up, Joey threw himself on the floor, crying and screaming. It took us bribing and hugs and kisses just to get him to calm down. When he was set in the backseat with his favorite teddy bear, the tears stopped and his yelling was null. With Kendall driving slowly and carefully in the snow, Joey asking him random questions about the doctors, I was left to think by myself.

It's not like I didn't like the doctors who were trying to help us, I just wished they could do something right now, to make Kendall better, and make us go back to the way we were. I was selfish I guess. I wanted my family to be happy and healthy. I wanted and wished my son got the scholarship to his dream college he's been working so hard for. I prayed every night that the next time Kendall had to see a doctor was for them to tell him he was cancer free and could go back to living his life. I secretly wished sometimes even, that it was me who was sick. That Kendall could be the strong one fro our kids. That for once, I was the one being worried about and not the one worrying.

"So why doesn't the medicine help you?" I snapped out my thoughts and turned to the left seeing Kendall staring straight ahead one hand lazily on the wheel. The dark green beanie on his head made his bright light green eyes pop out even more, if that was possible. His pale skin that usually made my head spin because it was so perfect and flawless was now just barely on his face. He was so skinny, with very pronounced cheek bones, it was almost haunting looking. When he sighed and turned to look at me, I looked away quick and swallowed a hard, obnoxious lump in my throat.

"Because it's not strong enough buddy. The medicine they give me is to help with my bad cough and to keep the bad stuff in me, under control." I turned my head completely to look out my window and sighed to myself.

"How come you have the bad stuff is in you daddy?" I squeezed my eyes shut and set my forehead on the cold glass of the window. It's bad enough when you hear the doctors talk to you about it, and hear your husband talk about it. It's just not fair when your 7 year old son asks the questions you yourself have been desperately trying to figure out yourself.

I felt a small squeeze to my knee and turned to him quick seeing him paying attention to the road but with one hand resting on my leg. He knew all my fears and worries, doubts and questions, without me even saying anything to him. Being married for almost 25 years will do that to you. "How about you ask my doctor, okay buddy? I'm sure he can give you a better answer then me." I smiled small and slowly unhooked my seatbelt watching him pull into a parking spot, right in front of the doctor's office. I got out first walking right to the back opening the car door for Joey who was already out of his seat, and jumped down onto the snowy ground. It wasn't snowing anymore, but the snow we had gotten since Thanksgiving had stayed and we had almost gotten three feet. It wasn't an issue with us though because Kendall had been driving in this kind of weather since he was 16. And when he took my hand after I lifted Joey on my hip, I knew that the snow, the cold, and the 20th trip to the doctors was not going to be an issue at all. He was going to hold his head high and go through this like a champ. Like he always did.

Joey was instantly drawn to the play section in the corner and Kendall sat on the ground with him while I checked Kendall in with the older nurse at the front desk. I only had to pay the fee and give our insurance card to them. I smiled seeing Kendall now on his knees behind Joey building on top of a Lego house. I smiled and walked to the closest chair near them. Kendall sat back on his feet while Joey ran around the small table and I reached out slowly running my fingers over the back of his neck, while I reached on the table grabbing a random home magazine. "You're fingers are so cold." I smiled and set the magazine on my lap and thumbed through the first couple of pages. "After this, remember, we promised Joey a new toy." I laughed and turned to him, feeling him stand up. My fingers ran down the back of his neck, and down over his big fluffy jacket. He walked in front of me and sat down hard next to me. "We should go to the mall. I need to pick something up." I raised an eyebrow and turned ot look at him. He pulled his beanie off and ruffled his hair. When I didn't say anything, he turned to me and laughed reaching for my hand. I took it and he laced our fingers together, setting our hands on the rest of his chair. "It's something for you, so don't get crazy." I quickly tossed the magazine back on the table and turned my body towards him.

"Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me."

"Logan stop it. I'm not telling you. It's a Christmas present."

"Tell me, tell me, tell me…"

"Kendall?" We both turned to the nurse who was holding the big brown door open with one hand while the other held a clipboard. "We brought a little one? Child sacrifice?" I smiled at her, lifting up Joey and letting Kendall walk in before me. I followed behind, him knowing exactly where to go already. This was nothing new to him and he knew he had to go in the back corner room to get weighed. When he got in, he had slipped off his coat and set it on the chair. The nurse, the one who always saw us, Rachel, walked in setting the board down and smiling at Kendall. I leaned against the frame still holding Joey who was so interested with his dad he couldn't even turn away. Kendall stepped on the scale and sighed out scratching his chin. "How you feeling Kendall?" I walked in a little seeing the numbers flashing on the scale and tensed up. There was a huge possibility he had lost more weight but with Thanksgiving he may have gained some, or stayed the same.

"I feel good actually. I had a good night's sleep." Rachel nodded and when the scale beeped I peered over Kendall's shoulder and felt my stomach twist into knots. He only weighed 118 pounds. He had lost almost 10 pounds since his last visit. When he stepped off and grabbed his jacket he glanced to me and I pulled Joey in tighter to me. He shook his head slightly and I turned out of the room, waiting for Rachel and him.

She led us down the hall, and walked us in a medium sized room. Kendall went straight to the bed and sat on the edge at the end while Rachel started doing the usual checkup things. Blood pressure, heart rate, check his vitals…the usual stuff. The talked small about how he's been doing, and when she was done, she left shutting the door softly. I quickly let Joey down and eh walked to the cabinets ready to explore. Kendall sighed and I could tell he was ready to say something but I walked up between his legs and grabbed his face with both hands, pulling it towards me. "You promised."

"Logan don't start that. I'm fine and I'm going to stay fine. It's okay." He kissed me softly and I closed my eyes trying so hard to believe him. I knew as soon as that doctor came in he was going to tell us something, that I didn't want to hear and that was going to upset me really bad.

We usually had to wait 5 maybe ten minutes sometimes but now, we had to wait almost an hour in that room. That couldn't mean anything good. And it didn't help that Joey was growing restless. When the doctor did walk in, as I knew, this wasn't going to be a good conversation. He didn't look like his happy go lucky self. Doctor Peterson was always smiling and in a good mood. Now, he looked glum and almost afraid to even speak. And when he pulled up his little stool sitting in front of Kendall, I took my own seat, putting Joey on my lap. Doctor Peterson looked up at Kendall and sighed out hard putting his hand sin his lap. "How are feeling Kendall?"

"Uhm…fine. I'm feeling pretty good actually." The doctor nodded his head softly and cleared his throat.

"I have some news for you, that is going to be hard to hear, and I want to make sure you'll be okay having your son in here with you." I swallowed hard and Kendall turned back to me. I shook my head fast and he nodded.

"Can he wait out with the nurses?" Doctor Peterson stood up quick and walked to the door poking his head out. He called for a nurse but I didn't care.

"Kendall…"

"It's okay Loges." I was really starting to hate hearing that it was going to be okay, clearly when it wasn't going to be. Rachel walked in and smiled putting a hand out for Joy. I took him off my lap and he bounced out of the room, hearing he could play on one of the computers. When the door shut Doctor Peterson took his seat again and cleared his throat.

"Kendall…Logan…I'm afraid that the cancer isn't slowing down." He just came right out and said it. Not even caring how destroyed hearing those words made me. "We were sure that you would stay in the stage 1 section and that the cancer wouldn't spread outside your lymph nodes but it has. Because of this, were afraid that it will be more aggressive and it could move faster." I wasn't making any noise but I felt like my mouth was moving, trying to desperately say something. "What we have planned for the next part is…radiation." I closed my eyes quick and put my head down feeling tears coming out. "We want to do this as quick as possible. It's hard to interrupt what will happen next…I'm sorry Kendall."

"You're just doing your job Jim…can you…can you give us a minute?"

"Of course…I need to get you scheduled for your first round of chemotherapy." I heard some footsteps and then the door opening, and then closing. I looked up quick and saw him staring down at the floor underneath him.

"Kendall…you promised you wouldn't leave me."

"Logan…" I stood up quick and pointed an accusing finger at him.

"You promised me! You promised the kids!"

"Logan I'm scared!" He looked up at me and I lowered my hand feeling like a complete jackass. "I'm…I'm scared…I…I don't want to die." I slowly walked over to him and set a hand on his shoulder. He moved quick and pushed into me wrapping tight around my body. He was scared and I couldn't do anything to make him feel better.


	4. Chapter 4: Selfish

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

Sometimes just sitting with your two best friends can be the best therapy you need. I love my family. I love my husband but since finding out my cancer is spreading, it hasn't been easy being in the same room as him. And it sucks even more being around my kids, who don't realize how serious it has gotten. Chris and Maggie might realize but they aren't saying anything, which I guess I can be grateful for. But being around Logan now is the absolute worst.

James and Carlos don't really ask about the cancer. They know it's there and they now know it's gotten worse but they don't bring it up. Probably because they don't want to upset me or just don't want to think about one of their closest friends dying. I don't care either way. "Look at her tits!" I glanced up at the screen and smiled small. Carlos always had something perverted or disturbing to show us when we hung out. I don't know why we continued to go over to his house to hang out. James sighed, irritated next to me and I turned to him. He pushed his glasses up on his nose and brought his phone closer up to his face. "You guys aren't watching…this is the best part."

"Carlos your dumbass movie doesn't have anything good about it. First of all it's just tits and ass, and a bunch of gore. Second, you're showing it to your two best friends who happen to be gay, and have a good taste in cinema." I chuckled and Carlos slouched in his seat frowning and crossing his arms over his chest. "Aha. I knew they had it up." James pushed his phone in my face and I took it sighing and scanning over the screen. I saw a picture of myself and the headline that read "pop star dying with terminal cancer". I frowned and tossed his phone back on his lap. "I think you need to the papers and straightened them out. If the kids saw this, especially Sammy and Joey…"

"It wouldn't matter. Logan is acting like I've already died. If he doesn't blurt it out to them I'd be surprised." I turned my attention up the screen, making both of them go silent. I never really voice my thoughts about my marriage or what's happening in it to these two but I couldn't help it. It just slipped out. And that wasn't all. "You know the last time Logan told me anything positive or did anything nice for himself, was just before I was diagnosed. I mean why can't he just see anything good? Why does it all have to be bad and sad? Because that attitude doesn't help me feel any better. I thought this was a relationship that I could trust him and in return give him love and attention and whatever he wants. Why can't he make the most of what's happening in our life right now so that when I do die he can…"

"Kendall!" I was shoved lightly by Carlos who jumped up and paused the movie on the screen. He looked down to me, obviously upset. I swallowed hard and he poured out his bottom lip. "You're not going to die! Stop complaining about what Logan is doing if all you're doing is the same thing! I can't take you and Logan complaining about this!" He stopped in front of me and tossed his hands up groaning. "As soon as you get this taken care of, were going out on the ass so I can beat the fuck out of you." I smiled small watching him sit back down hard. I turned hearing James snickering next to me and laughed out loud with him.

We watched the rest of Carlos's stupid gore porno and even stayed to have dinner with his wife and kids. He met his wife just at the height of out fame and has been inseparable since. They married a year before Logan and I and they night after our wedding, they had their first child, Benjamin. After that they only had one more, Christina because she couldn't have anymore, but it never made them sad. Carlos frequently says those three are the best things to ever happen to him and that he's never been happier, which made me happy for him.

During dinner, James stayed relatively quiet, keeping to himself and it made me a little sad. Here I was with a husband and four kids, and yet I was complaining about my pathetic life, while he had no one. Except his friends, which was really, only me Logan and Carlos. It's not that he never wanted to get married and have a big family, it just never happened. He says it's because of how he was as a kid and teenager. He slept through women and men like it was going out of style. Never once did he try to have a real relationship. So now, he's "paying the price". This is his karma. He can't keep a guy to stay with him for any relationship because the "planets" won't allow it. He got into some weird spiritual stuff as well, but I don't like to dwell on that.

By the time I left Carlos's house with James it was almost 10 at night. He dropped me off in front of my dark and empty looking house. Before I got out, he gave me a big hug saying he was going to continue to pray for me, and if I needed anything, or if my kids did to just call. I smiled and gave him a kiss to the cheek before getting out and walking up to the house. I fumbled with my keys in the dark until ii found the right one, and pushed the door open.

The only light on in the house was coming from the Christmas tree in the living room. Usually we turned those off, to save energy, so if it was still on, it meant someone was awake. I walked slowly into the living room and smiled seeing a sleeping person on the couch. As I got closer my smile turned to a frown seeing an empty bottle of wine on the ground, knocked over. I looked to the couch and sighed softly seeing Logan, fast asleep his mouth slightly open, drool coming out. I bent down carefully and put a cold hand on the side of his face. He jerked fast and sat up even faster. I watched him look around, confused and worried. When his eyes fell on me, he breathed out hard and wiped the corner of his mouth. "What time is it?"

"A little past ten." He nodded and scratched his head. "Enjoy your wine?" He turned to me, clearly offended and I stood up, grabbing the empty bottle with me. I unzipped my jacket and walked in the kitchen turning on the light. I walked right to the garbage can and tossed the bottle in it. I stopped short seeing the kitchen a mess and shook my head walking to the sink and taking off my jacket, tossing it on the counter.

"You were gone for a long time." I only nodded turning the water on in the sink hearing him walking up behind me. "How are they?"

"Fine." I really hoped my voice came out icy and bitter because I meant for it to. Rather than sit with our kids and try to give them a normal childhood, he drank himself to sleep.

"Do you have a problem with me having some wine?" I laughed and shook my head washing the bottom of a pan. "Okay…fine Kendall. I'm just going to go to bed. Be an asshole all you want." I turned fast seeing him in fact walk out. Or rather, stumble out still drunk. I rolled my eyes and went back to work on the dishes, thinking to myself.

With the kitchen clean and the house locked up, I shut off all the lights and made my way up stairs. All the kids doors were closed, except for Chris's. His light was on still and I smiled seeing him passed out on his bed with his laptop almost falling to the floor. I walked in, gently grabbing it, and closing it. I walked over to his desk and set it on the wood softly. As I reached for the light switch something caught my eye. A piece of paper that had Norte Dame at the top. I picked It up carefully not to wake him and squinted reading it.

"_Congratulations…we would like to welcome you to the fighting Irish family…"_ I read the whole thing, realizing that he did get his scholarship. He got his football scholarship to play football in college. He lied to us.

"Dad?" I turned quick, feeling disappointed and watched him stand up quick.

"What the hell is this?" He stepped forward and his mouth dropped open seeing the note in my hand. "Why did you lie to us? You have a scholarship to play for Notre Dame Chris!"

"I don't…I don't want to dad."

"What do you mean? You've wanted to play since you were two!" I didn't mean to raise my voice but I was completely astonished. Chris never stepped a toe out of line, and now he was throwing away his future and lying to us. This wasn't like him.

"I…" He paused and shrugged his shoulders looking at the ground.

"What's going on Chris?" He looked back up at me and sighed out hard.

"I didn't want to go because you're sick." I felt my posture fall slightly as he stepped back and sat on his bed. He put his gaze to the ground and I carefully sat down in his desk chair. "I thought you and pop would need me here, helping with Sammy and Joey and Mags…I didn't want to leave you guys. Not right now. Especially now." He turned up to me and swallowed hard. "I'm sorry I lied. I just know how pop would have taken this. He would have…forced me go…"

"No…" I shook my head and sat back feeling like an awful father. I mean because…I was. "Chris you don't have to do anything like that. Were going to be okay. You don't need to put your life on hold just for us. I know…I know that's what family does but your future is and should be the most important thing right now."

"Dad…"

"Christopher you are going to college next fall and we will be fine here." He sat back and I folded the letter back up and stood up, still holding it. "Get some sleep. I'm going to need help tomorrow taking your brother and sisters shopping." He only nodded as I walked by and out of his room, shutting the door softly. I walked quickly down the hall to my own bedroom and shut the door kind of hard. Logan was nowhere to be found, but when he heard the door shut he appeared from the closet. He was only in a pair of boxers but was in the process of pulling a shirt on.

"Are you trying to wake the kids?" I walked to him quick and shoved the note into his chest. He gave me a dirty look but opened it up, sighing. I didn't stay to watch his reaction. I walked to my side of the bed and kicked off my shoes and peeled off my shirt. "He got in…he got the scholarship...why did he lie to us?"

"Because he thought he needed to stay here and look after you and me and the kids. He though he need to step in our shoes and take over taking care of this family. And now that I'm worse, he's even more convinced." I took off my belt and let my pants fall off my waist and legs. I sat down hard and laid back in the bed, pulling the blankets up over my body. I laid flat on my back and closed my eyes sighing out hard. For almost a minute I didn't hear anything form him, and when I opened my eyes, and turned my head to look at him. He was staring quietly at the note still, in complete disbelief. There was a part of me that wanted to get up, hug him and tell him everything was going to be okay. Another part was saying to go talk to Chris and tell him he should do whatever he wanted, or what he thought would be right. But I was turning into a very selfish man who was going to start thinking of himself. Everyone else in this house (mostly Logan) so doing it, so why shouldn't I?


	5. Chapter 5: Head To Toe

**Logan's P.O.V.**

"Poppa can we stop for some ice cream?" I stared straight, looking out at the empty road in front of me not even turning to look at my small children. I was waiting patiently for the light to turn green, but in all honestly, I was just happy I didn't have to concentrate on driving. "Poppa?" I sighed and turned my head lazily. Samantha was staring at me form her back seat with sad full eyes.

"No we can't." She pouted slightly and put her head down. I turned back to the front and sighed stepping on the gas, seeing the green light. I drove through the intersection and turned slowly on the first right, to go down my street. I turned on the windshield wipers irritated with the snow falling. The snow falling, and the cold, was like pouring salt on my wounds.

It's been two weeks since we found out about Kendall's cancer moving to stage two. Stage two meant he needed to start radiation therapy. And last Tuesday was the first round of the therapy. He lost his hair, and dropped about 20 pounds. He barely had any meat on his bones, just skin. It was so heartbreaking, I couldn't even look at him anymore. I couldn't even sleep in the bed with him. It hurt to much. And to make it worse, he was taking my distance as not caring about him, so when he did go to the hospital for the first session, he didn't wake me up. He didn't ask me to go with him, to support and be there for him. Maybe that was best, but it still hurt.

"Poppa I got an A on my spelling test today!" I cringed hearing Joey scream in excitement and quickly pulled into the driveway. Chris's car was already parked, and I was grateful him and Maggie where home to take care of the little ones.

"What…do you want a medal or something?" I shut down the car and stopped realizing what I had just said, and who I said it to. I turned quick and saw his bottom lip quivering, looking at me. The first few tears fell and I turned away from him quick. I unbuckled myself seeing Chris walking out, pulling on a coat and got out of the car quick.

"Hey pop…"

"Can you help your brother and sister please?" I slammed my door hard, leaving them in the car and walked past him going straight to the front door. I walked in quick almost running into Maggie who started to apologize, picking up the laundry that had fallen out of the basket I bumped into but I only shook my head and walked past her going to the stairs. I took them two at a time and hurried down the hall when I got there. I went right to our bedroom but stopped right in doorway. Kendall was fast asleep in the middle of the bed, a blanket pulled up under his chin tight. He was breathing softly through his nose. He looked really pale and sick looking but, the good thing was that he wasn't coughing. I quietly shut the door and walked slowly over to the bed. He was still asleep when I sat on the floor by the bed. I brought my legs up to my chest and hugged them tight. I could barely see his face form this angle not that I really wanted to see him. It was gut wrenching.

I fell asleep, not for long. Just like every other time I got sleep I was woken up by my own cries and twitching body. When my eyes did open I realized I was on the floor by the bed, in the complete darkness of the room. I pushed myself up and looked to the bed quick. Kendall wasn't there anymore. I stood up quick walked quicker to the door. My decent down the stairs calmed my nerves. I could hear laughing and soft talking form my kids and husband. When I did step down off the last step I heard what I assumed to be dice hit the wood of the dining room table. I walked slowly in and covered my mouth with one hand leaning against the wall. Kendall was at the head of the table with Joey in his lap. Kendall was whispering something in his little ear, causing of a fit of laughter. Chris looked up and smiled at them, giving a pencil to Sammy who wrote down the score Maggie told her, for yahtzee. They all were smiling and laughing and none of them knew I was standing there. I made one slightly movement to set my hip on the wall and caught Maggie's attention. She turned quick making the rest of them look over at me, smiles and laughs gone. I scanned over them, seeing Sammy not looking at me, but keeping her head down. I stopped on Kendall and Joey and saw Kendall giving me a mean look. Joey, sat up, getting on his feet on Kendall's thighs and put his face in Kendall's neck, wrapping his arms around him. Kendall wrapped tight around him quick and continued to stare at me. I felt like I was being persecuted, for no reason in particular. Kendall stood up quick, stronger then I was expecting for holding Joey and looked to Chris.

"Can you and Maggie get their baths started?" Chris moved up quick and took Joey form him, just as Maggie stood up and put out a hand for Sammy. Sammy jumped down form her seat and ran to Maggie's open hand. Chris walked past me first, shielding Joey's face from me, and I felt my heart snap in two. Maggie and Sam weren't far behind, neither of them looking at me either. When I heard the stairs creek telling em the kids were upstairs I dared a glance to Kendall. He was sitting back down, leaning back, and sipping form a mug. I pushed off the wall and walked slowly towards him. I grabbed the back of the chair Maggie was in and slowly sat myself down.

"Kendall?" He set his mug down and leaned forward pushing the hood on his bald head off. "I…"

"Do you know how angry our kids are?" I paused and leaned forward setting my elbows on the table. I shook my head and I saw his jaw lock in place. "You made Sammy and Joey cry today. You didn't say anything nice to them picking them up from school, and then Joey tried to tell you he got an A and you asked if he wanted a medal. I mean…Jesus fucking Christ Logan! It's one thing to push me away and act like I'm not the love of your life but to do it to our children!? There 7 and 8 years old Logan! They didn't do anything wrong!" I put my head down and cried quietly, hoping this brutal yelling, and harsh words would stop but they didn't, and I heard his chair scoot back. He was getting up. He didn't even care I was upset. "You're stupid pathetic tears aren't going to change the fact that you aren't being a good dad to our children who need him the most."

"What am I supposed to do when you die Kendall?" I looked up seeing him looking down at me, not a care in the world. "Do you think I would ever find someone like you? Do you honestly think I could move on? Do you think I'd remarry? Do you even care?!"

"No I don't because I'm not worried about it! I'm not going anywhere Logan!" I stood up quick and wiped my eyes furiously.

"You don't know that Kendall! You can't know that! You are sick, and you aren't getting better! You look like the walking dead Kendall! Do you know what it does to me to see you?" His posture fell and I swallowed hard. "Do you know what it does to see our kids and only see you? I have to put on this face that everything's okay for them when it's not. They have no idea that in two months or weeks…two days they could lose their father. And then what? I'm left alone to continue raising those kids by myself. If I lost you…" I stepped forward cautiously and when he didn't move away or try to keep me away I reached out, and gently set my hand son his cold, skinny face. He closed his eyes fast and I tried so hard to not cry out loud again. "If I lost you Kendall, I would lose myself. I couldn't go on and our kids would lose both their parents."

"Don't you dare do that Logan…I didn't ask anyone to make me sick, and I didn't ask for it to get worse." He opened his eyes and his hands moved up to my own and set them on mien gently. "I have been doing more for this family and those kids since I've been sick then you. All you can do is lock yourself in the room or bathroom and drink the pain away. You only think about the pain and heartache and the what if's. I'm the one telling our kids that you're going to be okay. And that you will get better while still trying to make myself better. I can't' do that anymore Logan. I need you so bad right now. I can't keep doing this alone." My heart broke once again and I felt like passing out, or maybe throwing up. He let go of my face, quickly and walked past me. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid that if I moved, I'd grab my keys and leave. That's what I did best. I didn't know how to handle anything serious like this. "I think…I think I'm going to take the kids to my mom's house during the break." My fists clenched quick and I turned slowly turning to look at him. He was leaning against the sink looking out the kitchen window at the snow falling down. "I'll call her tomorrow…and I guess we'll go from there."

"You're…you're going to take them away from me?"

"No Logan…you know you're more than welcome to go with us. But I just figured, you would rather be alone and drink your sorrows away that you wouldn't want to be with us for Christmas." He turned slowly and glared down at me. "Especially since this will probably be my last Christmas, right?" My mouth dropped open and he turned his body quick, and walked out of the kitchen going to the stairs. Every breath was pulled from my body and I felt like falling to the floor, rolling up in a ball and accepting defeat. But hearing him talk like that really seemed to piss me off. Pissed me off so bad I did the only thing I could think of.

The drive to James's house was a long one but it helped. Sitting in my car by myself having to only think about the road so I didn't crash was really relaxing and calmed me down quite a bit. And when I pulled up his driveway I had to smile. He was waiting for me on his porch just like he said. I had text him asking if I could come over, and told him Kendall and I got in a fight. He said he'd be on the porch with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. I shut off my car and got out quick pulling my sweater tight around my body. I didn't even think to grab a coat and now I was paying for it. I walked up to him slowly and he looked up at me. He had on a black beanie with his black rimmed glasses and black scarf, jacket, and gloves. I smiled small and he sighed out shaking his head. "How bad was it?"

"He called me out on not being a good dad. He's right but…And I know…I just…"

"Loges." I stopped and swallowed hard. He stood up, setting the mugs of hot cocoa down and reached out for me. His warm gloves touched my cold face and I closed my eyes fast. "Kendall is sick. He's getting treatment. He's not going to die. You are scared, but you are not weak and are not a bad father." I opened my eyes fast and chuckled.

"I made Sammy cry today because I asked if he wanted a medal for getting an A." He frowned and I put my head down staring at his feet in a pair of warm fuzzy slippers, sort of covered in snow. "I can't' keep doing it James. I can't tell Kendall I'm scared because it would be stupid. And I can't tell the kids anything because…their just kids. SO what am I supposed to do?" I looked back up and his hands slowly moved to my neck, holding it gently. He took another step closer towards me and I started to close my eyes. "What am I supposed to do James?"

"Stop talking Logan…stop thinking…" My eyes closed softly and I felt a pair of lips touch my own. My whole body, which had been shivering, was now set on fire. From head to toe. I moved my hands to his jacket and grabbed a hold hard, pulling him forward making the kiss deeper and harder.


	6. Chapter 6: Something's Missing

"_Hey baby…please…pick up your phone. I just want to know that you're okay. You were gone all night and didn't call me…you've never done that before and it's scaring me." _I set my head in my hand and sighed out. There wasn't really any point in calling him. I had hurt him bad. I said awful things to him, but I wouldn't have said it if he didn't give me a reason. "_I am going to the doctors today, they called. They want to do some more tests…see where I'm at. I would…love if you were there with me. So…just call. Please. I love you Logan." _I hung up quick and let my hand dangle still holding the phone. I closed my eyes and scratched at the bare skin on my head. I was feeling better, that was for certain. I was weak and I still had a semi-hard time breathing and I would wheeze every now and then but since the first round of treatment I've been better. I remember what healthy used to feel like and I knew in the back of my mind, I was slowly but surely getting back to that. Slowly.

"Dad?" I raised my head and turned it, smiling at Chris walking in. He was dressed and ready to go to school, the last day of school before his Christmas break. He walked over to me and sat next to me on the bed. "How are you feeling?" He didn't mention Logan, not that I blamed him. "I heard you talking to the doctor." He sounded concerned and I gently patted his knee to reassure him.

"I'm feeling good this morning. They want to do some more things today. Hopefully they can give me some good news too." He nodded and before either of us good say anything else, I heard more footsteps and turned, smiling even bigger. Maggie was walking in, looking as beautiful as ever. She had a really good sense of fashion and always managed to wear the most creative outfits. Today it was a plain black skirt, with red leggings underneath. She had on a white button up shirt, silk, tucked into her skirt with a red scarf around her neck. She didn't have shoes on yet, but she still looked beautiful. She walked over to us quick and squeezed herself between Chris and me. She laid her head on my shoulder and yawned. "How are you?" I reached up brushing hair off her face and she shrugged.

"I had trouble sleeping last night." Probably because of Logan. Not that she'd ever admit it. "Sammy and Joey are eating breakfast and I made their lunches." I nodded, very grateful for her help these past couple weeks. "Sammy asked if poppa was coming home today." I saw Chris turn to me quick and I sighed putting one arm behind Maggie's back to grab ahold of Chris's shoulder. I squeezed it softly and turned my head kissing Maggie's head.

"I don't know." They both turned up to me and I sighed. I couldn't tell them lies anymore. I didn't know what was happening with Logan, what was going through his head. I didn't know what he was planning doing, and I didn't know where he was. For once, I couldn't help my kids. I couldn't ease their sad minds. "Your dad, isn't doing well. Mentally. It's taking a toll on his heart and he doesn't know how to deal with the thought that maybe I might not be okay." Maggie put her head down quick and Chris turned away from me. "I know he's been acting like a dick, and I'm sorry. But today I'm going to go see the doctor and I know because I've been feeling better, he's going to tell me something good, and we can go back to normal." Neither of them said anything to me, and neither of them turned to me. I sighed out, softly and stood up, feeling my bones scream in slight pain. I walked slowly to my bathroom and yawned grabbing my toothbrush.

"Can I go with you daddy?" I peered out back into my room and saw Maggie looking at me, Chris looking at her. "Can…can I go to the doctors with you?" She looked close to crying and it was one of my weaknesses. I hated seeing my kids cry. "We…we aren't even doing anything for in school because it's the last day, and I already turned in all my projects and homework." I smiled small and looked to Chris.

"Do you want to come too?" Chris turned fast and nodded without haste. I smiled and leaned against the frame. "Go tell your brother and sister they aren't going to school." Maggie got up first and walked out with a slight bounce. Chris stood slowly and smiled at me. I smiled back and went to turn back in the bathroom but he stopped me.

"Dad…I heard her crying last night." I frowned and the sadness and fear was leaving and it was being replaced with anger. "She was mad because of…him." Great now my son wouldn't even say his dad. "I went to check on her…she wasn't in her bed." I stood up a little straighter and he swallowed hard. "She was in the bathroom crying, and…and she had a razor…" He looked up quick and shook his head. "She had it to her wrists dad." It felt like the wind was knocked out of my chest and he huffed. "If pop hadn't left, and if he hadn't been acting the way he has been…"

"Chris." He looked up and I swallowed hard nodding to the door. "Do not be angry at your father. Go get ready to go, I'm going to need you to drive. And do not let your sister know you told me. I'll talk to her." He nodded and walked out fast, mumbling to himself.

I brushed my teeth, combed my hair, and shaved my face before changing into a pair of my jeans, and a sweater. I slipped on some boots and just before I left my room, I walked to Logan's side of the bed. I sat down and opened the drawer on his nightstand. I smiled quick seeing a picture of the kids he always had at the top of everything else. I lifted it and set it on the nightstand before reaching in for the little wooden box that had a picture frame on the top of the lid. It was of us, and I was holding around him tight, trying desperately to kiss him. He was laughing and trying to duck away from the kiss. I smiled running my fingers over the picture of him but shook it off and opened up the box.

The very top most thing in the box, was exactly what I was looking for. It was a small little white jewelry box and inside, after taking off that top was a necklace Logan never wore. I always asked, begged and pleaded him to wear it, after I was diagnosed, but he couldn't. He constantly told me if he wore it, he was accepting defeat. That our lives were in God's hands and he had no control over the situation. And I tried telling him, having it with him and wearing it, would protect him and me, and us, but he's as stubborn as a mule. I sighed lifting the silver chain and setting it against my hand. Dangling on the chain was a simple small gold cross. Running down the cross in very small writing, that you would need a microscope to see was a verse. "_They will turn to the Lord, and He will respond to their pleas and heal them." _ I got this the day I was diagnosed by one of the nurses. It was the best gift I ever got from a stranger, and I knew giving it to Logan would help him. But it didn't and he never wore it. But I knew someone who would.

When I walked down stairs and went into the kitchen, all the kids were laughing at something Chris was showing them on his phone. I cleared my throat and Joey jumped out of Maggie's arms and charged towards me. "Why don't you get the car warmed up and put the kids in their seats. I'm going to eat something real quick." Chris smiled and lifted Sammy quick putting her on his shoulder. Joey ran after them and Maggie turned as well to walk out but she wasn't getting away that easy. "Mags…can you help me a minute?" She turned and smiled wide nodding.

"I can make you some eggs, or anything you want daddy."

"How about you lift up your shirt sleeves." She paused and looked up at me, the tears already forming. I stepped forward and roughly pulled up her right arm sleeve. She gasped out and looked down. I did too and swallowed hard seeing a big square bandage covering her small delicate wrists. "What the hell are you thinking Maggie?" She pulled away fast and pulled her sleeve back down. She turned to the fridge and pulled out the cartoon of eggs and some cheese. "No Maggie. You are not going to keep this covered up. Look at me." I heard her cry softly as she bent down grabbing a pan for the eggs and my anger got the best of me. "Maggie Knight look at me!" She dropped the pan to the stove with a thud and turned to me quick. Her face was red, and her bottom lip was quivering tears pouring out of her eyes. "I did not raise a weak girl! I did not raise you to cower in the corner and try to take your life because you're scared! You are better than that Maggie!" She sobbed out and I moved forward. "I will not live knowing you are this upset and afraid Maggie. You are not this selfish or stupid Maggie!" She looked up at me quick with her mouth wide open.

"I'm being selfish?!" Her voice was just as loud as mine, just a little more high pitched. She looked angry but sounded so vulnerable. "What about you and poppa?!" I slouched a little and stepped towards me. "You let him leave last night daddy?! You didn't even try to stop him because you have to be right! You don't care how hurt he is and you don't care how scared you make him!" I frowned and cocked my head slightly. "Dad obviously isn't doing well, you said it yourself! But instead of trying to make him better and work things out with him, you cower in the corner! You hide and push him away because it's easier but guess what daddy?" She stepped closer to me, still crying but not as hard. "You're the reason he left! You're the reason he's the way he is, and it's only going to get harder because of what you told him last night! So don't try to tell me how to act or what to feel, unless you want me walking out like he did!" She pushed past me hard and I spun following her with my eyes.

"Maggie get back here." She ignored me and I heard her hard footsteps up the stairs. "Maggie Jane Knight!" Her bedroom shut hard and it made me jump hearing it slam. Maggie never yelled at us, or fought us on anything. This was probably 17 years of her boiling a bunch of anger up.

"Dad?" I didn't even turn to look at Chris. I was so upset, and I mean crying upset I didn't have the energy to explain my yelling at my daughter, especially to him. "Dad…you need to get to the doctors." I swallowed a hard lump and walked to him, keeping my gaze to the floor and pushed past him kind of rough, going to the garage. I heard the car on, and the sound of music coming from it. The little ones were in the back, all buckled up and I got in the passenger seat slamming the door hard, and reaching forward to shut off the music. Chris got in the car quick and asked if the two in the back were still buckled in. They answered quietly and he slowly backed out of the garage.

The drive was quiet which meant I could get myself to calm down. The tears stopped and my chest wasn't burning as much, but my heart still hurt. Bad. First my husband leaving, and then my daughter putting me in my place. If there was anyone who would be willing to switch lives with me right now, I'd pay them. But no one in their right mind would want to be me right now. Chris would occasionally glance over at me, probably making sure I wasn't losing my damn mind. Little did he know, I had lost it long ago. When Chris parked, I was slow to get out and even slower walking up to the front doors. I heard Chris talking to Sammy, and without even realizing Joey was right next to me, he reached up and grabbed my hand squeezing it. I looked down to him and saw him stomping on the patches of snow still formed in a nice little pile. He had a cute little "mean" look on his face and it made me stop and smile. "Joey…what's the matter?" He glanced up and continued pouting holding my hand.

"Everyone else gets to be mad and yell at each other! I want to, to daddy!" He let go of my hand and went around the fairly empty parking lot stomping on the snow. I had to chuckled and feel good seeing him. He stomped around in the snow, growling and being "angry".

"Joey, usually when people are mad, their mad at someone or something."

"I am mad at someone."

"Who?" He turned to me and pointed up at me quick. I raised my eyebrows and walked towards him slowly. "How come you're mad at me?" He put his hand son his hips and continued pouting.

"Because you and poppa aren't being nice! You and poppa aren't tucking me into bed like you guys used to! Poppa isn't reading me any stories anymore, and you aren't teaching me how to play hockey! I keep talking to God like you said daddy, but he's not listening! So I'm mad at him too! Because it's his fault! Everything's his fault! Not yours or poppa's! It's God's fault daddy and I'm mad at God!" I was now kneeling in front of him, and I reached out pulling him towards me. I pushed his forehead into mine and closed my eyes smiling.

"You can be mad at any one you want okay?" He nodded against my forehead and I sighed. "You know what helps me when I'm mad?" I opened my eyes and saw him looking at me, curious." I quickly kissed his forehead and stood up, but not before scooping up some snow. I stood up straight and baled the snow up. When it was in a nice firm ball and handed it down to him. "Don't hit my face." He took the ball and looked up at me to make sure he heard right. I nodded and put up my arms, in surrender. "Hit me with your best shot buddy." He glanced around me and then looked back up at me. He smiled big and tossed the ball up at me. I tensed up but it only hit my stomach softly, breaking apart. I laughed and looked down at him. "Feel better?" He nodded and jumped around wiping off his hands on his jacket. "Now…you can't do that every time you're angry. Talk to me or your brother or sister or poppa okay?" He nodded running into me wrapping around my legs. I bent down quick and scooped him up walking to the front doors.

I didn't have to wait very long, which was new. I think the nurses and doctors hated seeing me because I kept getting worse. But now, everyone was smiling big, greeting me like I wasn't dying. It was nice. The kids got to sit in with me, which was again new. Chris kept Sammy and Joey entertained for the full two minutes I waited for my doctor. When he came in, he was smiling big and took a seat quick scooting towards me. "Mr. Knight! How are you feeling today?"

"Good…a little sore, and cold but fine." He nodded and glanced around.

"Where is your husband?" I swallowed hard and shook my head slightly. He frowned but nodded fast. "Well…I wanted you in today because I have some really terrific news." I sat up straight and he nodded. "The radiation therapy has worked. When we ran it a week ago, it killed 40% of the cancer cells in your lymph nodes." I felt my mouth go dry as he opened a folder. "With that information we were able to map out your treatment and recovery time. By February of this next year, you will be cancer free Mr. Knight."

"In…In three months?" My voice came out quiet and fearful, knowing this had to be some sick joke they were pulling. He nodded and stood up gently patting my arm.

"You are on the road to recovery Kendall." I felt a tear slip out past my left eye and he turned to my kids. I heard Chris ask him something but everything got blocked out. I was happy…ecstatic and overwhelmed. I felt like I was already cured just hearing the news. I could have jumped around and danced my ass off with excitement. But something was holding me back. A strong hold was keeping me on the bed and not celebrating my newly extended life. When I glanced behind me I saw Chris holding Sammy tight smiling big at the doctor who was explain to Joey and that made me feel good too…but something was missing.

Logan.

**Sorry this chapter was kind of long. A lot of things happened. But…Good news right! Tell me what you think?!**


	7. Chapter 7:Best Firend, Love of Your Life

**Logan's P.O.V.**

It almost felt normal. It almost felt real, like maybe it was Kendall holding me, touching me, loving me. But it wasn't. It never would be the same. No one compares to him. Not even the man letting me sleep in his bed. He was my best friend, actually right now, he was my only friend. Including my husband I managed to push everyone away. But given our past, James was always going to be there for me. No complaints here I just really wished I was brave and strong enough to pick myself up, lick my wounds and go back to my family.

I managed to get my eyes open and keep them open seeing nothing but the dark wall in front of me. James's bed was flushed right up against his wall and when I fell asleep last night, I fell on my stomach facing the wall. His bed was huge and comfy but you could still tell when someone moved on it. I felt the slight dip behind me and sighed snuggling deeper and harder in the clean and fresh white sheets. "Logan Mitchell…" I closed my eyes feeling a very soft, warm hand on the middle of my back and hot breath on my neck. "Wake up."

"It's Knight."

"No it's day time…" I felt him lay down right next to me resting his head on the top of my back.

"I meant my last name. It's Knight. Not Mitchell."

"Keep telling yourself that." I opened my eyes quick and felt like throwing up. "He called you. I was going to answer it but…figured if he heard my voice answering your phone I'd be dead." I felt him yawn and it made me yawn with him. "So…as soon as you wake up, you can call him and go back to him."

"James…he doesn't care whether or not I crash my car trying to race home to him. I've lost him already. Granted it was my fault…"

"God dam-it how does Kendall do it?" I raised my head quick and turned it. I saw his bare shoulder, but really wanted to see his face. I reached back and pushed him by his head, running my fingers through his perfect gorgeous locks. He pushed off me and fell back on his pillow yawning again. I turned my body, laying on my side and lifted up, resting on my elbow.

"How does Kendall do what?" He turned to me and raised an eyebrow.

"How does Kendall deal with you, and your negative attitude and your outright dumbass thoughts. " I dropped my jaw and he sat up, leaning on both his elbows still staring at me. "Why'd you call me? Why on Earth would you ask me for a shoulder to cry on, when you have two perfectly good ones attached to your husband?" I closed my mouth and slowly laid myself back down. "Logan I have to tell him." He also laid back down and turned his body towards me, scooting closer. One of his big warm hands went onto my cheek and his thumb rubbed under my eye on my cheek bone. "He's still my best friend, just like you are, and I need to tell him I kissed you."

"Technically I kissed you." He sighed and stopped running the thumb over my cheek. "He's going to hate me James. I did it again…"

"No Logan. I did not penetrate you." I groaned and pushed away from him lying on my back. "Logan…it's not like last time. Neither of us were drunk and I didn't get your pants off even when you told me you were getting married. You came to me sad and feeling alone. I held you and pulled you in to hug you, and kissed you instead. If Kendall doesn't understand, then I'll hurt him bad." I ran my hands through my hair and sighed out hard. "Don't you think it's kind of unfair only Kendall gets you?" I turned to him quick and sat up staring at him, appalled. He sat up chuckling and it only pissed me off more. "There he is. There's the Logan Knight I know. The one who sticks up for himself and for his love. Don't do this again Logan. Especially with how Kendall is. Don't do it again." I could only nod, feeling like a giant douche bag and he pulled me into his body hugging me. "Go home to your family Loges. I'll give Kendall a call and tell him what I did." I pushed off him fast and wiped my eyes.

"He's going to hate you."

"I can handle it." I frowned and he shrugged swinging his legs off the bed. "I'd rather lose my best friend then see you lose the love of your life." I swallowed hard and put my hands in my lap, looking down at them. "Come on…I'll make you a cup of coffee for the road." I watched him walk out of the room pulling on a sweater. I kicked the blankets off my legs and crawled to the other side of his huge bed, yawning. I only had my jeans on still and when my bare feet touched the ground, I shivered and walked quickly to my shirt folded on James's desk. I grabbed it and pulled it on quick, shivering again. I saw my phone next to my wallet and keys and sweater and reached for it. I turned it on seeing one missed call form Kendall, and kind of felt even more awful. I turned the phone off fast slipping it in my back pocket and grabbing my sweater. I put my wallet in my pocket grabbed my keys and bent down grabbing my shoes.

James had my mug of coffee ready just as I finished tying up my shoes. He gave me a big smile and a big hug, before walking me out to my car. I gave him one last hug before climbing in my car. He sat on his porch while he watched he pull out of his snowy driveway and drive down his street. I honked once, saying one last goodbye not knowing if that was last time I would ever see James.

I tried not to think about me cheating on Kendall. It was a dark and cold time in my life and it actually almost ruined my life. I could have lost Kendall then. But he stuck by me. He almost killed James, but he stuck by me…

"_James…I'm getting married in two days…" I gripped the back of his shirt to pull him away from my neck but his grip on my waist tightened. I closed my eyes groaned when I felt his tongue trace a line up from the shell of my ear down to my collarbone. My body started to betray me and I felt myself get hard. He took notice and pushed up over me. His hair was a mess and his eyes were hooded with lust. "James I can't' do this…"_

"_You can't or don't want Kendall finding out?" I tried getting up, hearing him saw Kendall's name but I didn't get very far. My head was swarming from the vodka I had downed earlier and fell back groaning. "Come on Loges…what he doesn't know what hurt him." I watched him get back over me as his hands worked on my pants. In my drunken state, my mind and body agreed with him and before I knew it he was inside me…_

I gripped the wheel pressing down on the gas harder. It was bad enough to have to be reminded of that night every time I saw James, but to know what it did to Kendall was awful. He got in a bad fist fight with James, both breaking bones. Kendall never recovered with James after that. They acted fine with each other for Carlos's and my sake. But they never got back to being best friends like before, and it was my fault. I think as more years passed, they got better. They even hung out by themselves, going to the ice rink, but that was about it. I still know somewhere in the back of my mind, Kendall has his doubts about my faithfulness but he stayed with me.

I parked in the empty driveway of our house and got out slamming the door hard. I walked up as fast as I could and pushed the door open. It was unlocked, but I didn't care. "Kendall?" I stopped and listened hearing nothing. I frowned and walked into the kitchen. All the kids backpacks and lunch boxes were on the kitchen table, along with two empty oatmeal bowls. I walked further in and went to the garage quick. I pulled open the door and felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. Kendall's car was gone, but Chris's and Maggie's was still parked in the garage. That plus the kids things still here could only mean one thing. "Kendall?!" I turned quick and ran back through the kitchen to the stairs which I took two at a time. My only destination was my bedroom, to check to see if there was blood or…something telling me he was hurt or had taken a turn for the worse. My ears caught a noise just as I was about to turn into the room. It sounded like running water. I froze quick and turned back around seeing the girls bathroom door shut. The light was on and I could hear the faint water running in the tub. I swallowed hard and slowly wale dot the door "Samantha? Maggie?" I knocked first, not wanting to be embarrassed seeing my two daughters in the bathroom. There was no response. I swallowed a hard lump and put my hand on the knob. When I turned it I was expecting a cry form one of the girls telling me the wanted privacy. But nothing. What I got was the water running harder and when the door pushed open further I felt my body moving in the bathroom slowly, seeing what I was seeing.

Maggie was in the bathtub, completely unconscious. The bathtub was just about to run over with the water and when I got closer I could see red mixed in with the clear water. "Mags…" I ran into the wall next to me and felt myself sliding down. I could see two very clear cuts on her small delicate wrists. "Maggie…Mags…" I hit the floor hard, just inches from the tub and her body. She wasn't awake, and I couldn't tell if she was breathing. I reached out a hand and gently touched her head. "Maggie? Maggie…baby…can you hear me?" Something snapped in my head, telling me to get up, and get her out of the tub. I got up on my knees and reached in pulling her small little body up. "Maggie! Open your eyes honey!" I pulled her out and fell back against the wall cradling her head and reaching up behind me for a pink towel hanging up. "Maggie Jane…baby girl it's me, poppa! Open your eyes." I quickly wrapped both her wrists around the towel and pulled her closer to me, laying her head on my shoulder and in the crook of my neck. I felt the tears pouring out, and I felt water hitting my butt. I didn't even think to turn off the water. It wasn't important. All I thought about was getting her out, holding her and calling for help. But when I reached in my back pocket, my phone was drenched in water. It wouldn't even turn on. I panicked but picked her up, holding her tight to my body. I walked out of the bathroom and walked quickly into her own room. I set her on her bed and grabbed her cell phone on the nightstand. I quickly dialed 911 and set it to my ear, holding around the towel, around her wrists. My call was answered on the second ring and I gave all my information to the lady on the other end. She said 5 minutes tops and to keep holding the open cuts to stop the bleeding. When I hung up I set her phone back on her night stand and went to sit down next to her body, but something else on her nightstand caught my eyes. It was an open journal and at the very top of the left page, was "**UGLY" **in bold black letters. I let go of her wrists with one of my hands and grabbed the book. The entire page was covered in ugly, written over and over. I was slightly confused because Maggie was anything but ugly. She was the most beautiful girl, next to Sammy, in the world. In the universe. How she could ever think different hurt me down to the core.

In two minutes I heard frantic knocks at the front door. I yelled for them to come in and told them upstairs, second door on the left. I heard hurried footsteps and stood up still holding her wrists. Three paramedics came in with a stretcher.

"How old is she?"

"17, almost 18." One nodded and walked to the other side of her bed. "Is she going to be okay?" he didn't look at me and I was gently pushed to the side so the other two could go help.

"Is she on any medications?" I shook my head staring down at them checking for her pulse and looking at the cuts. "Has she been struggling with depression?" I was left speechless not knowing how to answer. I didn't know if she had been, but obviously if has come to this. "Let's get her on the stretcher. This need to be closed up." Two of them went to getting her ready while the third walked to me and pulled me to the side. "You're her father?" I nodded looking at this guy who couldn't be older than 21. "She was cutting for real this time."

"This…this time?" He turned to see the other two putting her on the gurney and sighed turning back to me.

"There were old scars. I'm sorry sir…I didn't know, you didn't know…" He stopped and blushed looking down. "Is there anything I can do for you? Would you like to ride with us?" I nodded quick and he motioned for me to follow him out.

"Can you do me one favor?" He looked back at me as we walked down the stairs and I sighed wiping my eyes. "Call my husband. Tell him what happened?" The guy nodded quick and we hurried out after the other two and Maggie.

Since Kendall's diagnosis, I've hated hospitals. And seeing my 17 year old daughter being pushed into one bleeding form the wrists was just as bad. I could faintly hear the guy I asked to call Kendall on the phone in the ambulance but I blocked it out. When we got to the hospital I was led to a fairly empty waiting room. I took a seat right by the doors so I could be told when I could see her, right away. It sucked being all alone, cold and wet, with my daughters blood on my body. It was a real eye opener seeing her like that, but what was worse was the journal with ugly written all over it. I was a horrible parent. I was a horrible person. I let things get this bad. Kendall would never forgive me. Maggie would never forgive me. I couldn't ever forgive me.

"Logan? Maggie?" I stood up quick turning around completely seeing Kendall walking, more like running towards me. He was looking around and even asked a nurse where i was and where his daughter was. I swallowed hard, rubbing my hands on my pant legs. When he turned his head towards me he stopped moving completely. I felt more tears coming out and slowly started walking towards him. "Logan…are…" He walked towards me and when we were a foot away he stopped and breathed out hard. "Where is she?"

"ICU…they have to…close up her wrists."

"Is she going to be okay?" I nodded and he set his hand son his hips. "Are you okay?" I nodded fast and looked down at the ground. "Don't lie to me. I know you too well…"

"Kendall I just walked in on our daughter bleeding to death. How do you think I am?" I looked up quick and he moved close to me grabbing me and pulling me in hard. I closed my eyes fast and hugged tight around him. "She…she wasn't responding to me Kendall…there was old scars…she's been…"

"Doing this for a while." I looked up quick and reached up wiping his eyes. "We got in a fight." I frowned and pulled away from him.

"Can we not talk about that right now?"

"Logan…Maggie and I got in a fight." I froze and he looked around spotting a chair and moved to it slowly. I put a hand on his back and helped him sit down. "Chris heard her crying last night and went to check on her, only to find her with a razor to her wrists." I sat down hard and he looked to me, crying and almost shaking. "I asked her about it this morning before I went to the doctors. I told her she wasn't this weak and selfish…oh my God Logan…I screamed at her. I yelled at her. This is my fault." I scooted closer shaking my head and grabbed the sides of his face pulling it up to look at me.

"Do not blame yourself baby…Maggie has been having problems for a while." He frowned and wiped his nose. I let go of him just to grab his hand and squeeze it tight. "I saw one of her journals open. She had Ugly written all over it. I didn't get a chance to look any further, but it didn't look good." He turned away breathing out and rubbing his free hand over his bald head. I reached out again and put my free hand on his neck when I remembered something he had just said. "You had to go to the doctors?" He looked up quick and smiled small.

"You didn't listen to my voicemail?" I shook my head and he watched a nurse walk by before turning back to me. "They called early this morning, asking me to come in for some tests and a checkup." I literally felt my heart drop to my toes, hoping this day wasn't about to get worse. "By Valentine's day…I'll be cancer free." I stopped breathing waiting for the joke part of this, but it didn't come. "The therapy worked Loges. 40% of the cancer was killed with the radiation, and in the next few months, doing a few more treatments, I'll be cancer free." I let go of his neck and his hand and put both my hands on my mouth closing my eyes and sobbing into my hand. "Shush baby…it's okay. Everything is going to be okay…come here." I was pulled into him and as best as he could he managed to pull me up on his lap in the chair. "Please tell me your crying because you're happy." I nodded and sobbed out at the same time. He chuckled deeply and kissed the top of my head. "On the way over here, James called." My eyes opened fast and I sat up quick. I turned down to him and he didn't look sad or angry, or happy. Just blank. I swallowed hard and wiped my tears away. "He told me he came onto you again and kissed you." I didn't move or nod in agreement so he sighed and reached up running a hand through my hair. "We aren't going to talk about last night, or worry about it right now. We're going to focus on Maggie and when she's out of here and better, we'll talk." I nodded slowly and let him pull me back down on him. I shut my eyes and snuggled into his skinny but welcoming body while James's voice ran through my head.

"_I'd rather lose my best friend then have you lose the love of your life…"_


	8. Chapter 8: Lily Quinn

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

The day started off bad…and then went good. And then bad to worse. The only good thing about this day has been finding out I'm going to live past 50. Everything else just…kind of…sucks. I guess I shouldn't say everything. I did have Logan. I had him on my lap, in my arms, tracing my heart tattoo on my right shoulder under my thin long sleeved shirt. It felt amazing knowing they were his fingertips. And it made me smile like a moron knowing he knew exactly how big the ink was so well he didn't need to look at it. He's always know everything about me, just like I've always known everything about him. Like when he was lying.

I know what James told me. He came onto my husband. Again. And with just hearing it form James, I knew that was highly possible. But when I told Logan, he gave himself away right quick. Whenever he doesn't talk, doesn't acknowledge you, he's probably about to lie to you, or has already lied to you. He only nodded his head once, agreeing with me that we'd deal with it later. I didn't want to deal with it now but I was starting to realize I had no choice.

He heard the fast footsteps first. He pushed up off my shoulder, and turned his head around. I followed his gaze and we both stood up quick. Carlos was walking, tall and strong looking with Chris behind him. I frowned and gently squeezed Logan's hip, getting in front of him. "I thought I told you to stay at his house?" Chris didn't move or say anything, just stood behind Carlos, looking at Logan behind me. "Where…"

"They are with Claire" Carlos looked up to me and a stupid big grin started to tug at his mouth. I frowned and felt a hand slip into my back pocket of my jeans. I felt a head lay on my shoulder and glanced to see Chris staring down Logan, not looking happy at all. "Okay so were not going to even talk about you begin cancer free?!" I was shoved by my other shoulder by Carlos and I smiled looking down at him. "Dude! That's amazing news!"

"Well I'm not clear yet. A couple months Los." He shook his head and moved forward wrapping his arms undermine around my torso. I laughed and hugged him back glaring at Chris. He looked away quick and turned sitting in a chair. I pulled away from Carlos and he was back to begin serious.

"How's Maggie?" I sighed and reached back taking Logan's hand out of my pocket and holding it tight. I had us all sit down, me right next to Chris, Logan on the other side. Carlos sat across form us, leaning on his knees looking at Logan. "You okay dude?" I turned to Logan and just pure sadness washed over his face. I squeezed his hand and rubbed my thumb over his skin, making him only nod. I sighed and turned back to Carlos.

"She's going to have to stay here for a while. She's on suicide watch." The words burned coming out of my mouth and looked to Chris. He was staring at the ground, both hands in his jacket pockets, bad attitude written all over his face. "Did you know about this?" He turned to me quick and I raised my eyebrows. "Did you know she's been doing this for a while?"

"No. I saw her last night, and told you this morning. How long has she been doing it?" I frowned but continued giving him a death stare.

"We don't know." He turned away quick scoffing and I clenched my hands, hearing a gasp from Logan. He looked down at our hands quick and I loosened his hand. "I love you." He pushed into me quick and laid his head in the crook of my neck. I saw Carlos sit back looking at a magazine and heard, right next to me, Chris's seat moving. I turned and saw him standing up and walking away, quickly. "Christopher." He ignore me completely. I groaned and stood up, leaving Logan in his seat. Just as I started walking after Chris James walked in. He spotted Chris and reached out to stop him from Walking but Chris shoved him off and walked out of the hospital. I picked up speed and locked eyes with James who looked confused. I ran past him and outside back into the cold searching for Chris. He was sitting on a bench just by the door and I walked to him huffing. "Are you kidding me? You're going to throw a 5 year old tantrum." He didn't look up at me just locked his jaw in place and watched an ambulance pull up. "Okay, if this is how you're going to act, you can stay out here." I started walking back to the door seeing Carlos, Logan and James starting at us and I turned back to Chris quick. "Oh and you're like so grounded. No car, no phone and no girls." He stood up quick and walked to me mouth wide open.

"What did I do?!" I got right in front of him and grabbed behind his neck, pulling him towards the other three. "I don't want to see him!" He shoved out of my grasps and I saw Logan turn away closing his eyes, hurt. "He's the reason Maggie's in here!" I stared down at him and he was breathing hard. "If he hadn't had left last night she wouldn't have tried to kill herself!" I saw Logan walk away quickly and Carlos run after him. "And if you two had been paying attention to anyone else besides yourselves you would have noticed how fucked up she is!"

"Your sister has been fighting her own demons Chris! This is no one's fault except the people who are making her feel ugly and making her feel worthless!" His shoulder's fell and I walked towards him, calming down. "Your father walked in on her in the bathtub unresponsive. She was bleeding from her wrists, Chris, to take her own life. She has a page in a journal with ugly written all over it." His face turned sad very quick and I stepped even closer to him. "You were way out of line for saying what you did, especially to your dad." He put his head down and I shook my head. "Go make it right Chris." He didn't look up to me, just turned and walked quickly into the hospital. I saw James look after him and slowly follow in. He wasn't getting away that easy. I followed after James and made sure Chris actually went to Logan I stopped, clearing my throat. "James." I could have sworn I saw James cringed before stopping and turning to me. I slowly walked up to him and checked on the other two over his shoulder before looking up at his face. I must have looked "terrifying" because he pulled his beanie off his head quick and shook his head.

"I don't want to fight Kendall okay…I'm sorry…"

"It was him wasn't it?" He paused and I put my hands in my pockets. "He kissed you didn't he?"

"No…Kendall it was all me."

"I understand if you're doing this because you want to protect him because you think I'll…lose my mind or something but, if you were really my friend and really were Logan's friend…you'd tell me the truth right now." I watched his Adams apple bob up and down quick before he licked his lips and closed his eyes and groaned out.

"Yeah…it was him." I didn't feel any anger, but it didn't make me feel better about the situation. "It was for a second, before I pushed him back. When I did push him away, he broke down. Just…shaking and sobbing, saying over and over how bad he messed up." I pulled my eyes away from James to look over his shoulder at Logan and Chris. Logan was sitting up straight, hands folded in his lap, looking hopefully at Chris who wouldn't look at him. "I told him I'd lie, not to be malicious but…" I glanced back at James and he shrugged. "Logan loves you Kendall. And you're kids. He was scared he was going to lose you. He was scared he'd have to face this world alone."

"I…I know James." He loosened up a bit and I ran a hand over my bald head. "I appreciate you letting him…I appreciate you begin a good friend." He nodded and smiled small looking down at the ground. "Not just to him James. You've been great to me these past few months. Helping with the kids when we need it. You're a great friend, and a good guy." He looked up quick and I moved in to hug him. Over his shoulder I saw Logan standing and staring at us, worried, and then confused when we hugged. I smiled at him and patted James back. "Now I have to go deal with my moody teenager." He laughed huskily in my ear and pulled away patting my shoulder. We both started walking towards the three in the waiting room, none talking, just as a doctor walked out. Logan quickly walked to him and I got right behind him, putting hand on the back of his neck squeezing it gently.

"Mr. Knight…Maggie is doing great." Logan sighed out, in relief and turned into me hugging me. "The cuts were deep, the left wrist worse than the right. We were able to close them up,38 stiches all together. I have a morphine drip in her arm for the pain. It's not going to be an easy recovery and she won't be able to use her wrists that much. We do have her on a suicide watch. 72 hours and after that, we'll see where her pain is and go from there." I nodded and held Logan close feeling a wet spot forming on my shirt right under his eye.

"Can we see her?" The doctor smiled big and nodded. I sighed and turned back to see Carlos a few feet behind us, looking at us hopeful. Chris was standing behind James and when the doctor started to walk away he walked forward. I gently nudged Logan along and turned to Chris stopping him. "Sit your ass down." He stopped quick and looked up at me. "Did you talk to him?" He shook his head and I nodded. I turned to James and pointed to Chris. "Watch him." I left quick, following behind Logan and the doctor who were quietly talking and walking slow. I caught up not looking back at my son and sighed following quietly. Logan was asking medical questions that I could care less about. I just wanted to see her, and make sure she was okay. And when the doctor turned down a hall and stopped in front of a half open door, my stomach flipped. He led us in and waited by the door holding it open. He said he's give us some time and left quietly shutting the door softly. Logan walked over to her bed quick and got on the right side. She was looking up at the TV showing some ridiculous reality show about famous and wealthy people. I stayed where I was standing and watched Maggie close her eyes and turn her head completely away from Logan. He sighed and glanced to me. He looked back down at her and wiped under his eye.

"How you feeling Maggie?" She reopened her eyes and I caught them, not letting her look away. She let a few tears fall down, seeing me and I slowly walked forward. "Sweetheart…why-why would you do this?" Logan cautiously sat down on the edge of the bed and I stopped right by the other side looking down at her still. "Mags…"

"I can't tell you guys." I frowned and blindly pulled a chair up, next to her sighing.

"You can tell us anything Maggie." Logan brushed hair off her forehead and she shook her head. "Maggie you need to tell us. I saw…" He stopped looking up at me and I nodded. "I saw your journal." She turned to him quick and he got closer to her, running a hand through her hair. "Relax…we just need to know what's going on Maggie Jane. You know you can tell us anything." She closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip, shaking her head. Logan sighed and shrugged. "Okay, if you don't tell us, you're going to tell a psychiatrist." She opened her eyes looking at him and I smiled sitting back. Logan was back to normal, being the good dad i knew he was.

"Okay…I'll…this is really hard for me to talk about." I reached up quick and rubbed her forearm, avoiding the white bandage around her wrist.

"Take your time sweetheart." She looked between Logan and I and sighed out, putting her head back and closing her eyes.

"Sophomore year I started getting bullied." I tensed up and watched her flutter her eyes open. "I guess…I've been bullied for a while, just not to my face. When your parents are rich pop stars who happen to be gay people look at you different." I sat back a little and continued rubbing her arm. "The first time someone said anything to me was my first day of sophomore year. I was walking to my locker after Chris and I got to school. I was by myself, like I usually I am." I cringed and looked down, not knowing if I wanted to hear this. "When I opened my locker I was reaching up to put my backpack inside and I was shoved." I looked back up quick and saw her staring at my hand on her arm. "It was three girls, all in Chris's class. The one who pushed me actually…is dating Chris right now."

"Lily Quinn?" Both Maggie and Logan turned to me an di cleared my throat, sitting up. "I met her at Chris's last game."

"She's a peach aint she?" I frowned and moved forward putting my hand on her cheek. "No I don't blame you or Chris for that matter. She's a pretty blond bag of bitch." I saw Logan sigh and put his head in his hand still looking down at Maggie. "She is. That first day, wasn't the last that she pushed me. Or anything for that matter. If she wasn't calling me a mean name, or knocking books out of my hands, she was tripping me, making other people push me around." I saw Logan turn away closing his eyes and biting his bottom lip.

"Maggie why wouldn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you come to us?"

"Because daddy…I thought I could handle it myself, and I was. For a while I just ignored her and she stopped. But she never really did stop. She would talk bad about me to random kids at school and suddenly, no one was talking to me. No one sat with me at lunch and I was alienated real quick." She moved a hand up quick to wipe away a tear and she hissed in pain form her wrist and the IV in her left arm, so put it down quick. Logan moved in and wiped the tears for her. "All of that I was fine with. I just didn't care. I was too busy with my schoolwork to even worry about having friends or a boyfriend. Until Lily started dating Chris." She turned to me and smiled small. "When we came back from the summer and he started senior year, his friends convinced him to ask her out. They've been dating since then and because she's dating my brother, suddenly she's more important in his life, and I'm not sure how, but she even got him to stop talking to me. I would be by myself at lunch and he'd walk by with her and wouldn't even say hi to me like he usually did." My anger was growing quick and I had to stand so I wouldn't explode sitting down, so I started pacing. I probably could have wrung Chris's neck, but I knew Logan wouldn't let me. "She convinced my brother not to even say we were related. I know…I know he saw me that day." I turned to her quick and Logan perked up.

"What day Maggie?" She looked over at him and I saw her bottom lip quiver. "Maggie you're doing so good. Your begin very brave but you need to tell us everything." He held her face gently and she sobbed out closing her eyes.

"Lily and some of her friends, girls and boys, cornered me. They knocked my books out of my hands, my bag off my shoulder and she…she had one of the guys…" She stopped and tried covering her face but Logan took her hand and held it. "She had one of the guys hit me." My knees suddenly couldn't hold my weight up and I walked to the other side of her bed and put a hand on her head. "They all laughed when I fell to the floor and my lip started bleeding. Lily had a bottle of water and dumped it on my head. Thy all stood above me laughing and taunting me…" She glanced to me and shrugged, calming down her crying. "I pushed myself up, grabbed all of my things and ran to my car. I swear I saw Chris leaving the boys locker room, and I know he saw me. We stared at each other, but Lily walked up to him and he shrugged me off, walking her to her car." Both Logan and I wiped away her tears and she laid back sighed out hard and breathing in through her nose, slowly. "This was about a month ago. I never said anything because you guys have been going through so much, and I'm sorry for everything I said to you this morning daddy." I moved down quick and pulled her up for a tight big hug.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was scared for you Mags." She nodded into my neck and held her hand sup around my back weakly. I turned my head slightly, sitting on her bed and looked at Logan. He looked on the verge of breaking down, but ran a hand through her hair and forced a smile. "I'm going to go have a little talk with Chris…" I started pulling away but she grabbed my shirt and held me as tight as she could.

"Daddy you can't say anything to him!" I pulled her away and pushed her back down on her bed gently.

"Oh I'm sorry…are you the parent now?"

"Kendall?" I looked over at Logan who sighed, bent down kissing her head and standing up. "Can I speak to you outside for a minute? We'll be right back Mags." Maggie looked worried when I was pulled out but I ignored her. I was pulled out quick, and stopped in the middle of the hallway letting him close the door and stand in front of me crossing his arms over my chest. I put my hands on my hips and he sighed out, rubbing his forehead with one hand. "I'm the worst parent in the world." I frowned and moved toward shim kissing the top of his head that was still down. "You cannot talk to Chris is she doesn't want you too. It will only make her keep more things hidden and never trust us. We need to move around this slowly and carefully. This is a very delicate situation." I sighed and he looked up at me. "How did no one at school see this happening? How did everyone ignore her like that? She's the most amazing person on the planet." I smiled and nodded in agreement. "How could I have not seen the signs Kendall?"

"She didn't want us to know Loges. She is a pro hider. She gets it form you." He frowned and I slowly moved my hands out to him and held his sides pulling him into me. "You're going to be here with her alone tomorrow." He pushed away quick and gave me a weird look. "They want to do my second round of treatment tomorrow. I have to do it." He opened his mouth to protest but I stopped him, covering his mouth quick and softly. "I also have to stay a few days, so they can watch my progress and check over it, I guess. I know it sucks, and I know there is a lot we need to talk about but…" He pulled my hand down roughly, moved closer and got on his tippy toes. I felt his small warm little lips brush against mine. One of his arms hooked around the back of my neck pulling me even more towards him, making me lose my footing. I stumbled forward and we fell back into the wall by Maggie's door. It didn't even bother me however, because his lips parted and he let my tongue dance on the inside of his mouth. It had been quite a while since we've kissed like this, hell even touched like this. His free hand moved down over my chest on to my flat stomach before going to my black leather belt buckle and gripping onto it, pulling my hips forward, crashing them against his own. If I had my way, I would have taken him right then and there. But he pulled away from me, turning his head, letting me rest my head on the side of his. I squeezed my eyes shut, gasping for air feeling my lungs on fire. "What…what was that for?" His hand around the back of my neck moved up and rubbed over my bald head. He breathe din hard, and exhaled calmly and slowly.

"You…you are going to be cancer free Kendall. It hasn't really hit me since, like right now, hearing you talk about it. I'm so happy I could…burst."

"Please don't burst." I kissed his cheek quick before he turned and faced me smiling. I put my palms on his hips and put my forehead on his. "We need to talk to Chris. I know Maggie will be upset but we need…"

"I know…we should…right now." I locked eyes with him and slowly nodded.

**SO…I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS BEING SO LONG. IT LITERALLY TOOK ALL DAY FOR ME TO WRITE. IT WAS HARD. IT WAS HARD TO WRITE UP MAGGIE'S STORY BUT I GOT THROUGH IT AND I HOPE…IT'S OKAY. **


	9. Chapter 9: Yesterday

**Chris's P.O.V.**

**(I know the pov's are usually Kendall or Logan but from what goes on in this chapter, I thought it would be helpful to have it seen through Chris's eyes.)**

I'm just a liar that lies. I've never even once thought about disobeying my dads, or going against their will, but when you're 18 and your entire world is flipped upside down, you react. And those reactions can either cause a tidal wave, or just a ripple in the water. Unfortunately my reactions, towards my dad's, my sister and my friends caused a tidal wave, and now we were here. Being told your younger sister is in the hospital because she tried to kill herself, hurts. Especially when you know you could have done something to stop her. I could have intervened but I didn't in fear. And because if I tried, she would have yelled at me, and pushed me away even more. I've seen how bad she's gotten, with the not eating, staying in her room as much as she can, and then putting on a fake ass face to cover up her pain and misery. She isn't very good at it, but good enough to make it seem like she's the happy and healthy girl so if I did tell someone, anyone, they wouldn't believe me. But after this morning, hearing and seeing my dad in her face about it only makes me a worse brother. I could have told him along and he could have dealt with it, so that it didn't come to this.

But my sister wasn't the only thing on my mind. I was pretty sure after the fight they had last night, my parents would be getting a divorce. Not that I particularly wanted that, but my dad one, had really hurt my dad two. I suddenly looked up, smiling because I had thought of the old names I used to call them. When my parents told me they were both my dad's, I was only about 5. They introduced themselves to me as Logan and Kendall and I thought that was pretty cool. But I wanted to be like all the other kids and call them daddy or poppa. After a while that got too confusing for them. So Kendall, or who I know call dad, was dad two, and Logan who I got used to and liking, calling him pop, or poppa, was dad one. They told me Maggie caught on to calling them that as well but we both grew out of it, I guess. I shook my head slightly and slouched in my seat turning my head to the right to see James and Carlos quietly talking to each other.

I was a little confused, as to why my dad was so willing to bring him back in. Like the things he's done the past couple weeks, or months didn't matter and he forgave him. I didn't understand. Watching the way pop acted towards dad, really killed me. And I know it killed dad. You could just see it in his eyes. There was no light there anymore, and there was no love in his tired old green eyes. It made me mad, but I couldn't stay mad for long. Poppa was still my parent and I loved him. Just like my ad does…I guess. I guess I just don't understand anything really. I never have, maybe. "Chris…" I looked up quick to see my parents standing in front of me, lazily holding each other's hands. I jumped up quick, swallowing hard, seeing how pissed off my dad looked and glanced to my poppa. He looked sad, and like he had been crying, and even looked like he was still crying.

"How's Maggie?" Carlos took the words right out of my mouth and him and James stood up looking at my dad's.

"Well she's okay. Her arms and bandaged up and the IV has to stay in her arm for a while but she's okay. Physically." I shoved my hands in my pockets and looked down at my feet, which I started shuffling. "Can you guys give us a minute with him? I'm sure Maggie would love some company." I heard footsteps and looked up. James and Carlos walked between us not saying one word and I gritted my teeth hard. They got to see my little sister, before I did. "Room 112." They both nodded and my dad watched them disappear down the hall before turning to me, angry again. "We need to have a talk. Outside." He moved out of my way and pointed to the ER doors. I swallowed hard and moved quickly past both of them.

It was snowing…again and I regretted not grabbing a coat before we left. They were both right behind me as soon as I started walking and I quickly thought of a game plan. I was just going to sit back and take whatever was going to happen. Nothing could be that bad though because they didn't know something that would probably make them kill me. Hopefully this would be quick and painless. Knowing my dad, he had known idea what either of those words meant. "Don't yell…"I turned hearing my pop and saw him wrap around my dad's arm looking at me. My dad cleared his throat and put his other hand in his pocket, like how I was doing.

"Tell me about your girlfriend." I froze in my shoes and felt the blood drain my face. They knew. I'm not sure how…but they knew. I was in so much trouble I would never be able to leave the house again. "I met her at the game a few weeks ago…Lily right?" I cocked my head to the side, slightly and frowned. "Do you really like her?"

"Well…actually I haven't been dating her for a while." Both of them stood up straight and stared intently. "I…I broke up with her."

"Why?" I turned to my pop and shrugged and got angry thinking about the day I broke up with her, and why I did it.

"I heard from some kids she's been giving Maggie a hard time. And then I saw…" I stopped and swallowed hard, suddenly putting all the pieces together. "It's because of Lily she's in here isn't it?" They both nodded and I felt the sudden urgency to throw up. "I broke up with her, they day I saw Lily corner Maggie then pour water on her. I never even…asked Maggie if she was okay afterwards…I…I knew she has been having a hard time in school with friends, but I never knew…I had no idea it was Lily doing it to her." I closed my eyes and hoped and prayed they went seeing the tears falling. I was officially the worst brother in the world. It was my fault my little sister tried to take her life. "My fault…"

"Chris…" I felt two hands on my face and opened my eyes. My pop was standing in front of me, just a little shorter than me. He was crying too and shaking his head. "This is not your fault." I went to lower my head but he held my face a little tighter and got closer to me. "Look at me…Christopher." I looked up quick and he continued shaking his head. "This is not your fault. Your sister is going to be okay, and we are all going to be watching her very closely. She isn't ever going to do this again, and it is not your fault. Okay?" I could only nod, even though I didn't believe him. He pulled me in for a much needed hug and I gratefully wrapped around him, tight. I put my head on his shoulder, and stopped the crying, but still felt sick to my stomach. "Does Maggie know you guys aren't together anymore?"

"No…I never told her."

"Why did Lily say you guys were dating at your game?" I looked up and pushed away from pop and watched my dad come closer. "She was pretty sure you guys were dating…"

"I don't know if you know this, but she's kind of a psycho." My dad smiled small and nodded. "I'm sorry for yelling at you." He smiled small and nodded. I wiped my face quick, cleaning it of tears and chuckled. "Man…when you guys asked me about my girlfriend I thought you were going to ground me." My dad chuckled along with me and then stopped. And so did I.

"Why would we have grounded you?" Again I felt like throwing up, realizing had just put myself in a big hole. "Chris…is there something you want to tell us?" I groaned closing my eyes, knowing if I got it out now, my punishment would come quicker.

"I cheated on Lily with another girl, Rose, and that's another reason why I broke up with Lily because Rose is pregnant and she's keeping the baby, and I promised I'd support her." I said it all kind of rushed and quiet and hoped I didn't have to repeat it. Ever again. But I didn't hear anything from them, and I didn't feel like I was about to get my ass beat, so I cautiously opened my eyes and sucked in a harsh breath seeing them. Both of them were stuck in their spots, mouths hanging open, just staring at me. I swallowed hard raising a hand and waving it in front of both their faces. Neither of them blinked or even flinched. I put my hand down and glanced around, seeing no one, around. I sighed and turned back to my parents, a little worried. "Guys…guys…you okay?" I took a step forward and my dad breathed out hard and closed his eyes.

"Can you repeat that last part…please?" I frowned and slouched a little.

"I got a girl pregnant dad. I'm not upset…sure I'm scared but I'm kind of excited. And I really want your guys support too." My dad looked down at my poppa who I just now noticed was looking really pale, and sickly. "Pop…you okay?"

"No…no I'm not doing good right now. I need some air…"

"Loges were outside." He turned up to my dad who chuckled and shrugged. "Once you let it sink in we can talk privately about this, and talk to her parents."

"They don't know." They both turned to me, my dad, thankfully, not killing me, and looking calm. "Her dad's a preacher. If he found out she even had sex, especially with me…"

"Especially with you?" I nodded and he frowned. "Let me guess…hates the gays?"

"Kendall…"

"No that's exactly why."

"So…her parents don't know? What happens when she starts showing?" This was something I thought about over and over, replaying it in my head.

"Her parents will kick her out. Disown her kind of thing…." My dad sighed and pulled my pop's hood on his head and nudged him towards the hospital.

"Go sit down and breathe Logan. You're going to pass out."

"No. I'm going to be a granddad…" He turned though and walked in mumbling to himself.

"Is this why you wanted to stay and not go to Notre Dame?"

"I'm not going to leave her dad. I know…you're going to give me the speech about how I was irresponsible and stupid and that playing ball in college is my future and I shouldn't throw it away, but if there is anything you two have taught me its…"

"Chris stop talking for a minute." I stopped and looked up at him. He was smiling. I frowned and pouted as best as I could, like when I was little. He laughed and sighed out putting his head back. "I don't know about you, but I could really go for a beer right now…just to, calm down and put everything in perspective."

"If it makes you feel any better, I wasn't going to tell you guys at all." He shook his head and glared at me. I smiled but it faded fast. "Rose found out I wasn't going to go to Notre Dame and she got upset. She doesn't want me throwing away my future just because of her."

"Do you think you would be?" I twisted my face to make him know he had upset me and he chuckled lightly. "Let's sit…" He nodded over to the bench I was sitting on earlier and I followed him. He sat down quick and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I don't know if me or your dad ever told you but when we had decided we wanted kids…I was not ready for it." He looked out at the parking lot and smiled at a distant memory. "But he was persistent, and convinced me to do it. The whole process was so…overwhelming. I was scared shitless dude. TO know that in 9 months you were going to have a child, a small…helpless innocent kid to look after…really knocks you on your ass. There is no option of fucking around every night, going out with your buddies and getting wrecked. You get responsibilities. You essentially lose your own life."

"Are you trying to make me feel better?" He turned down to me and smiled bumping into my shoulder.

"My point is…and I say this not because I never wanted you or your brother and sisters, but because I was scared. When we had gotten the call your…mom was pregnant, do you know what the first thing I did was?" I raised my eyebrows and shook my head watching him, watch me. "I went to the record label to get started on another album.. Get a tour started…go back to work." I sat back, confused and he shrugged coughing into his hand. It was a short cough, one that I knew he was grateful he got. Most of the time, his coughs are harsh and hurtful. This one was a breeze for him to get through. "Yeah your dad gave me the same look. He was so pissed off at me. He told em I was just trying to run away because I was scared. I told him he was throwing away our dreams for something, neither of us were ready for. I mean…what if something had happened? What if we didn't get to have kids, for some ridiculous reason? We had thrown away our jobs, and careers…for nothing." He turned out to the parking lot and smiled. "After a few long hours of fighting, and making snide comments, I was finally convinced."

"How?" He turned to me and smiled even bigger.

"Your Uncle Carlos and Aunt Clair came by with Benjamin. I got to hold him…I got to hear a baby's laugh. I got to find out, firsthand what it's like to see the small helpless innocent baby. I got to know what it's like to feel someone need you more than your own breath." He looked away and his smile fell. "No matter what people say, or what someone thinks of you…at the end of the day if you're happy, it was worth it." He turned to me and smiled. "My greatest accomplishment was having my kids. No record, no tour…none of it can ever compare. Don't let an opportunity like this slip through your hands."

"Even if I'm only 18 I still have your support?"

"Especially now. However…your father might be harder to convince…" I head the automatic doors behind us, and turned just to see him walking out.

"Christopher Knight! How could you have been so irresponsible?!" He got right in front of me and I was nudged gently. I turned to my dad who smiled and leaned into my ear.

"Take it like a man…he'll come around."


	10. Chapter 10: Surprise

**TWO WEEKS LATER (Christmas Eve)**

**Logan's P.O.V.**

"Merry, merry Christmas! Merry, merry Christmas!" I smiled watching Sammy run around the big tree with her teddy bear in hand and candy cane in the other. She ran into the back of Chris's legs, who was sticking something small, and wrapped in both mine and Kendall's stockings hanging over the fireplace. He just ignored her and she continued running around the tree. I giggled, and turned my head yawning to look out at the snowy backyard. We had almost 5 feet of snow outside, so we were pretty much stuck for a few days. But no one was in the hospital, and no one needed to go to the hospital. I was grateful, and finally, my head my soul, and my heart felt healed. Completely.

"You think giving her those candy canes, was a good idea?" I tried turning my head to look at him, but his head was knocked into mine, and he kissed my ear. "Cookies and eggnog?" I forcefully turned my head and watched him sit down holding two champagne glasses. He handed one over to me and I took it carefully. "Watch out there might be some Brandy in there." I smiled small and scooted back, and to the left to sit into Kendall's side. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and I yawned laying my head on his shoulder. Maggie, and Joey came walking out, each holding a plate full of sugar cookies. Joey ran up to Kendall and I seeing us together and quickly climbed up on our lap, almost dropping the plate of cookies, but Kendall grabbed it quick, and I pulled Joey back crashing him into my chest. I kissed his head, hard and more than once making him squirm.

"Stop it poppa…no kisses!" I laughed and he pushed away just enough to flatten out his hair. Kendall chuckled and set the plate of cookies on the seat next to him. "Santa, Santa!" Both Kendall and I looked up at Chris who sighed putting his hands on his hips. Maggie jumped on the couch, right next to me and laid her head on my shoulder, and wrapped her arms around my one arm.

"DO I have to wear the stupid hat?"

"And the stupid beard." Chris glared at Kendall and I chuckled patting Maggie's leg, softly, and kissing her head. "Sammy come here so Chris can give us our one present." I laid my head back on Kendall's shoulder as Sammy charged towards us the candy cane out in front of her, like a wand. She jumped up onto Kendall's lap and Chris sighed, bending over, and grabbing two presents. He walked them over to all of us on the couch and handed them to Sammy and Joey, who didn't hesitate to open them up. As I watched, happy my two babies were happy, I felt fingertips brush along the back of my neck, and then run up through my short hair. I turned and saw Kendall staring at the kids and then at me. He smiled and leaned over to me putting his lips on the shell of my ear. "You aren't getting a present right now." I frowned and turned to him.

"That doesn't seem fair." He smiled and pushed into me, kissing me softly. I heard paper get ripped and then a shriek. Kendall pulled away and we turned to see Sam jump off Kendall's lap, jumping up and down, smiling.

"It's a new Barbie! I got a new Barbie!" I smiled and watched her sit on the floor and try desperately to get it open. Joey threw his wrapping paper on the ground and looked back at Kendall and I. His mouth was hanging open and he started bouncing on my lap.

"What did you get Joe?" He turned to his older brother, and raised the box of Avengers action figures, Kendall and I had just got for him yesterday. It was a last minute gift that I remembered he had been asking for since his birthday in October. Chris smiled and walked over to the couch, with two more gifts, one for him and one for Maggie. He handed it softly to his sister who sighed and pushed up away from me, and slowly started taking off the pretty sparkly red paper. Chris sat on the floor next to his youngest sister and he too started taking off the wrapping. Joey pushed off my lap and sat in front of Sam, both tearing open the boxes of their toys. I sighed and moved closer to Kendall, wrapping an arm around Kendall's torso. "What the..." I turned to Chris and saw him looking up at me. He had his big box open, and the tissue paper was thrown out. I smiled and nudged Kendall. I heard him sigh and put his fingers back on my neck. "Was this mine?"

"Yeah…we were going through a few boxes in the garage and I found that…" I pointed to the onsie in his hand and smiled. "I swear, if I had to leave you alone with your dad, he would only put you in that raggy old thing." My hair was gently pulled on the back of my neck and I smiled. "I think it's going to be one of those things we can pass down to our kids, and since you're going to be having your own…you have your first piece of clothing for him or her." He sat back on his feet and rubbed over the white fabric. "Don't worry. You have cooler presents." He looked up quick and frowned. I smiled and shrugged. "Do me a favor and grab the one gift you went with me to get for your dad." Chris smile and jumped up quick running to the tree. I glanced back to Kendall and saw him staring at Maggie next to me.

I turned and couldn't help myself but cry. She looked so happy holding the special box of a brand new journal, with specialty pencils, and even some colored pencils. Since finding her journal and reading through it, Kendall and I both realized how talented of a writer she was. And she really loved doing it. So we knew if we let her keep writing, maybe she could work some things out, and get her mind in a healthier place. "Daddy…poppa…I love it." She flung herself forward and wrapped around both of our necks. "Thank you." I rubbed her back and kissed the side of her head. She pushed off and quickly walked over to the dining room table and opened up the box,, oozing with excitement. I sighed out and snuggled into Kendall's side just as Chris walked up to us, holding the long and big present. Kendall snorted next to me and reached for it, smiling at Chris.

"I wonder what this could be." I smiled and got off of him, so he could stand up. When he did, I tucked two fingers into the back pocket of his jeans and also stood up. Kendall started taking off the paper and Chris and I smiled wide at each other, knowing Kendall was about to lose his mind. When he had pushed off the wrapping paper, all the way down the stick, and stood back up, he stopped quick. I pushed my whole hand in the back pocket of his jeans and squeezed onto his butt. He turned to me with his mouth hanging open, and I continued grinning. He turned back to the hockey stick and rubbed over the black writing at the top. "Is that…is that Wayne Gretskies signature?" I nodded quick and Chris walked even closer to it and looked down at the writing.

"I had to jump through a few hoops and even pay a guy off to get this but…" I was grabbed by my face hard, and was pushed into by a pair of lips. I melted into his touch and kissed him back. I heard Chris laugh, ad pick up the stick, before it fell to the ground. My back was slightly bent back and he wrapped and arm around it dipping me slightly. When my fingers ran up the back of his head, over the fuzz of hair growing back, he forced my mouth open, and shoved his tongue inside. Then, I realized we were in front of our four kids, two of which were very small and pulled away from his hot mouth. I gasped out and pushed him away, wiping my mouth. "I'm glad you like it Ken." He chuckled and nodded staring at it, running a fingertip over the name.

"How come poppa doesn't get a gift?" We both looked down at Joey who was being pulled on Chris's lap, just so Chris could play with his new toys with him. I smiled and bent down grabbing the wrapping paper, covering the floor. This was nothing to how tomorrow would be.

"Poppa does get a gift, but I have to give it to him upstairs." I straightened out fast and turned to him, horrified. Kendall winked and knocked the paper out of my hands. "Mags, Chris…we'll be down in a bit. Don't eat all the cookies. We have to save some for Santa." I was grabbed roughly, and pulled towards the stairs. I looked back to see the kids not even caring, and even saw Chris smirk to himself. I frowned and was continued to be pulled upstairs.

When we made it to the room, I walked in, towards the bed, and smiled sitting on the edge. Kendall shut the door wand quickly walked to his side of the bed, opening the drawer on his nightstand. He grabbed a piece of paper and walked to me, sitting down next to me. He put the paper on my lap and nudged me, pointing to it. "Read it." I eyed him and raised an eyebrow, causing him to sigh, and lean in, kissing me hard, but quick. "Read it Logan!" I chuckled and looked down, picking up the paper. It was a letter from his doctor. The one who has been working with him through the cancer and the therapy. I sighed and sat back a little, reading the first line. He was wishing him and our family a merry Christmas and happy new year. It continued on telling Kendall eh was happy he was able to help him out, and make him better, and now that he's almost 70% cancer free, he could start going back to a normal life. Exercising, having a beer every now and then, and even doing extracurricular activities and…wait, what? I re-read the line, and then…re-read the line once again. Extracurricular activities…meaning sex? I turned to him and saw he had a stupid grin on his face. His eyes were a little dark, and clouded with lust. I swallowed hard and gently shook the paper.

"This is serious? You're…you're that much better?" He nodded slowly and gently moved his hand to the waist band of my jeans. His thumb popped off the button and I smiled small. "Hearing that news, is the best Christmas present ever babe." He stood up quick and shoved me back onto the bed. I squeaked out and let the paper fall from my hand. He climbed over top of me, pushing my shirt up and kissing a trail up my stomach and chest, tell he got to my neck. He started sucking greedily, and continued working on taking off my jeans. When the zipper was down, he gave a gentle bite to my neck, making me moan with pure lust. He pushed off me and got off the bed again, pulling down my jeans, and boxers, with force. I gripped the blanket underneath me so I wouldn't slip off the bed. When the denim was thrown to the floor, his hands grabbed my hips and pulled me towards the end of the bed. My ass hung off the end and he moved his hands up my legs stopping at my ankles. He moved them up, and set them on his shoulders. He quickly started taking off his own jeans and I pushed myself up just to take off my shirt the rest of the way. "It's been way too long Kendall." I threw my shirt to the side, off the bed and laid back just as he grabbed my waist again. I closed my eyes feeling him positioning himself at my entrance and arched my back, ready for what he was going to give me.

"Way too damn long Loges…"

We didn't last very long, mostly because we hadn't down this in a while, and we both were too sensitive. When he had come inside me I had come all over my stomach and his. He collapsed over top of me, panting and wheezing hard. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and held him gently, rubbing his back, calming down both of us. When I could get my breathing back to normal, I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling. I traced up and down his back, still hearing him wheezing and kissed his shoulder softly. "You okay?" He only nodded and I sighed kissing and biting down on his shoulder again. "Do you need to lie on your back?" Again he nodded and I gently helped him up, and helped lay him down on his back. His long and lean body took up the entire length of our California king bed, and I crawled up next to him, sitting on my knees right next to his body. His face was sweaty, and he had one arm draped over his eyes, mouth open, breathing hard. I reached out, and rubbed over his chest, slowly and soothingly. "Can you imagine if we had lasted longer?"

"I wouldn't be breathing…right now." He sucked in a harsh breath and exhaled slowly. "I forgot how good you are." I laughed and laid down quick, snuggling in his arms.

"I didn't do anything handsome." He chuckled this time and I closed my eyes yawning. "I'm pretty sure that had to be our newest record. We were…" I stopped and sat up quick, hearing a car door outside. He also sat up and glanced to our window. We sat in silence, waiting to hear if it was the neighbors or just Chris grabbing something form his car. After a moment, we both jumped hearing frantic knocks at the front door. He jumped up quick, grabbing his jeans and slipping them on, commando. I also jumped up and grabbed my boxers and jeans, while he pulled on a random plain black shirt. I grabbed one of his flannel shirts and pulled it on my body following him out. When we walked down the stairs I buttoned up the shirt, hearing soft crying and what sounded like Chris talking softly. When we got down stairs, we went to the front hallway, and stopped quick.

Chris had his hands on a very pretty girls face, while she cried and clutched onto his shirt. "Chris?" He turned to us and looked really angry but also like he was sad. I moved forward quick and looked over the girl to make sure she wasn't hurt. "What's going on?"

"Guys…this is Rose, my girlfriend." I looked between the two, and glanced down again, seeing her with one hand over her stomach.

"Are you hurt?" She shook her head and put her head down, crying some more.

"Her parents kicked her out." My heart literally snapped in two hearing that and moved forward even more. "They found out she's pregnant. She has nowhere to go…" I gently nudged Chris away and held the girls face, making her look at me. "Dad…it's Christmas Eve."

"What did your parents say to you?" She looked in my eyes and wiped under her eyes softly.

"They-they told me if i…if I didn't have an abortion they were going to kick me out. I told them-them I didn't want to have one and they told me to leave." I swallowed hard and pulled this sad and heartbroken girl into my body. I turned quick and saw Kendall and Christ staring at us.

"Kendall, go ask Maggie to bring another sleeping bag down and a pair of sweats and shirt." He nodded quick and Chris walked up to us. I gently rubbed the girls back before handing her over to Chris, who took her softly, and ran a hand through her hair. "Rose…are you 18?" I saw her lightly nod and I sighed grateful for that. "Then you are welcome here for as long as you need to." Both of them turned to me and I smiled at Chris. "Like we'd let her go out in the cold and snow on Christmas Eve. Just…the same rules apply. No closed doors and no sleeping together." Chris nodded quick and I smiled at the girl and started walking by.

"Mr. Knight?" I turned and looked at her. She wiped her nose and forced a smile. "Thank you."


	11. Chapter 11: A Man Of God

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

I remember, when I was a little kid, my dad would come in my room Christmas morning yelling and screaming at me to get up and see the reindeer hoof prints out in the backyard. I race out of bed and hurry down the stairs and sure enough there was hoof prints out in the snow, clear as day. I never understood, once I got older and learned Santa Claus wasn't real, how he did it. I don't know how he made such perfect prints. Especially in this weather. I never questioned him thought. I didn't want him to think I was trying to be a smartass or anything, so I just let it alone. And as I got older and we had Chris, I promised myself I would carry on the tradition, or something close to it. However this year, given all the different circumstances, I couldn't do something that spectacular, and I hated my weak and dying body for that.

I woke up early Christmas morning to the sound of running water. I was slow to open my eyes, because I was so tired form the lack of sleep the previous night, and the amount of fooling around Logan and I managed to do. After setting Rose up downstairs with the kids in their sleeping bags, another tradition I started, we went back upstairs and couldn't really keep our hands off each other. So I blamed him. But I pushed myself up and looked around the fairly dark room listening to the soft sound of the running water. Our bathroom door was closed almost all the way, only letting out a sliver of light. I smiled, kicking off the blankets and got out of the warm comfort of the bed and stretched my arms over my head walking to the closed door. When I got to it I pushed it open with my hips and tucked my finger on the top of the frame stretching and yawning. When the bathroom door hit the wall softly I blinked a couple times, trying to get the sleep out of my eyes. I heard the shower running and saw the curtains pulled back all the way and a sneaky little idea crept in my mind. I let go of the frame, letting my long arms fall at my sides and took one step in. I stopped moving, breathing and thinking, seeing the scissors and razor on the counter. I looked around it, seeing bits of brown hair. I looked down at the floor and sure enough I saw more brown hair. I looked back up at the shower and swallowed hard hoping I was just seeing things. "Logan?" My voice came out in a croak that I couldn't believe he heard me. The curtains moved over fast and he appeared, wet, soapy and all smiles.

"Merry Christmas baby. Sorry I woke you up." All I could see was the skin on his head. Just a couple hours ago before we went to sleep his head was covered in beautiful brown hair that I loved so much. And now it was all gone. All of it. "Are you alright?" I watched him pull the shower curtain back more, worry plastered all over his face.

"Why did you do this?" He frowned, but it looked more like I just killed a puppy in front of him. He looked destroyed but I felt destroyed. "Why in the hell would you do this Logan?" He looked away from me quick and ran a hand over his shaved head. "I loved your hair…you loved your hair."

"I loved your hair." He looked up, near tears and I leaned against the counter. "It isn't fair. I don't care what you say. I did it and I'm not sorry. I just wished you say something good about it, like that you think I'm attractive no matter what, or….whatever." He pulled the curtains back quick and huffed out hard. I couldn't help the smile or the feeling of love rush through my body. I glanced back down at the floor and looked at the hair covering it. I could do one of two things with this new situation. I could yell at him and make him upset for doing it without even talking to me about it, or I could get naked, get in the shower with him and thank him for being amazing, like always. My boxers were on the ground faster than the speed of light and made my way to the shower big enough for five people. When I pulled the curtain back he was standing in the same spot, but with his arms crossed over his chest, like he was waiting for me. He had an eyebrow raised and I smiled small making a move to step in. He stepped back and sighed.

"You look very sexy right now."

"Don't try to win me over Knight. I'm mad at you." He turned quick and went under the water letting the soap still covering him, wash off. I stepped in quick, closing the curtain smiling at his perfect little bubble butt. "I spent at least an hour getting all that hair off my head and all you can say is I look sexy?"

"Yes because you have that cute look on your face like your trying to be angry, and your covered I soap and water, which, you know really gets me hard." I walked right behind him and grabbed both his arms, by his wrist and pushed them up into the wall. His hands flattened on the tile and his head hung low, letting the water run over the back of his head and neck. I pressed my front directly into his back and he moaned quietly feeling my erection run against the small of his back and over the top of his butt. "You should have waited to at least ask me." His head lifted and just as he turned it to give me a dirty look I put one hand down, and quickly grabbed a hold of my still a little flaccid dick and shoved it inside him. An ear shattering moan left this mouth and he slumped forward onto the wall resting his head on his arms folded on top of each other. Both my hands grabbed his hips and one of my feet kicked between his legs and he quickly spread them apart. His feet hit the sides of walls of the tub and he shoved back into me. With the angle he was in, the water hit on his back and ran down rolling off his butt. I snapped back just leaving my tip inside, and then pushed back in, hard and rough. He let out another very loud moan that reverberated off the walls and made me go absolutely insane. "Shh…the house is still full of kids."

"Then don't be so rough jerk…" He groaned out as I continued to push in and out of him, going slower and more gentle. One of his arms fell from the wall and went to his own dick were he tugged and rubbed. I leaned down wrapping one arm around his waist and putting my lips on his shoulder blade. The water hit down on my head now and I closed my eyes while still hitting inside him. I shifted my weight onto one foot and rested my forehead on his shoulder, where I was just kissing. "I love you Kendall." I could only nod against his shoulder while I pulled him tighter and closer into me. "I want to top." I opened my eyes and raised my head, letting go of his body quick. I pulled out of him, earning another moan and stepped back, into the shower wall. Logan turned quick, his hand still on his dick and gave me a sexy, and dirty look, all in one. He breathed out shakily and raised his free hand, motioning me to come to him and I smirked shaking my head. He frowned and walked into me fast, putting his free hand on my neck, and pushing his lips into mine. My arms wrapped around his body and his hand holding his dick, grabbed ahold of mine and rubbed both of them together. I moaned only to have it swallowed by his mouth. He bit down on my tongue while pushing into me and making em go into the wall harder. He pulled away, only a centimeter, maybe even less and licked my bottom lip. "Turn around." I shook my head fast and swallowed hard, feeling my chest burning.

"Not in here…bed. Now." His body was gone from mine, causing a slight panic in me, that disappeared when my hand was pulled and I was dragged out of the shower. He pulled me all the way to the bed and when we got to it, he put me in front of him, turned my body and gently pushed me down hips aligned with the edge of the bed, and laid my body down. I put one hand under my head, and the other under my body were I slowly touched myself. I turned my head so I was looking towards the head of our messy bed and sighed out, feeling calmed down, just a little. "Go Loges…"

"Don't be bossy." His hands were on my ass and I felt a slight push on my entrance. I groaned in annoyance and complete misery and he sighed over me shoving in hard. I didn't whine again after that.

We cuddled together for only a few minutes before realizing it was Christmas morning and almost 8. The kids were probably waiting for us to open presents and I was actually pretty hungry. We both finished our showers, neither of us having to wash hair and got dried quick. I changed into jeans and a simple black hoodie, while Logan got in sweats and a long sleeved shirt. We walked down stairs, hand in hand all smiles. When we got in the living room, it was still dark except for the Christmas tree, and Logan flipped on the light. The five sleeping bags and pillows were all on the ground still and two of them were still occupied. A black one and a blue one. Joey and Chris. We heard a little giggle form the kitchen and Logan squeezed my hand, leading me out to the kitchen. As soon as we stepped in, I was grateful for the smell of freshly made coffee.

All three girls were in front of the stove and fridge getting things out for breakfast and making breakfast. Maggie had Sam on her hip as she worked on something on the stove while Rose pulled out the gallon of milk and the orange juice. I gently cleared my throat and all three girls snapped their head to us. Sam squirmed in her sisters arms and jumped out of them running towards us. "Merry Christmas daddy and Poppa!" She stopped short, just a foot away from us and looked up at Logan. She frowned and in the cutest way possible, she put her hand son her hips and stomped her foot. "How come poppa lost his hair too?" I laughed and gently hit Logan's butt walking past them to Maggie who was also starting at Logan. I pulled her in fast and kissed the top of her head.

"Morning princess. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas daddy. How do you feel?" She pulled away and I shrugged yawning and scratching my chin. "Did poppa shave his head?" I laughed and nodded.

"He sure did kido. What's for breakfast ladies?" Maggie turned back to the stove and I saw eggs being scrambled and sausage and bacon. "Any coffee done?" Rose moved quickly to the pot and pulled it out showing me it half full. I smiled and walked to her. I turned around to see Maggie great Logan who was still explain to Sam about his head and sighed. "How are you doing Rose?" I looked down at her and brought down two mugs for Logan and I.

"I'm…fine, Mr. Knight. Merry Christmas." I laughed and watched her pour in the coffee.

"You can call me Kendall or dad. None of this Mr. Knight crap alright?" She glanced up to me and laughed, nodding. "Merry Christmas Rose. Now…" I stirred in some sugar in my coffee cup and poured in Milk in Logan's. "Do you want to see me piss of Chris?" She giggled and nodded. I motioned her to follow me out of the kitchen as Logan walked to the stove with the girls. Without anyone seeing, I managed to pinch his butt making him squeak. I walked out into the living room quick so I wouldn't be reprimanded. I walked over to the two boys still on the ground, soring softly. Rose gently sat down on the couch behind Chris on the floor and I gently cleared my throat. "Boys…wake up. It's Christmas morning. You guys are missing presents and hot cocoa and bacon. Come on." Neither of them moved and I sighed bending over resting on my knees and smiled. "Okay…here's the plan. You guys will sleep through the whole day and I'll give your sisters your presents. And tonight when you guys decide to wake up, you have to cook and clean up dinner."

"Daddy stop it…" Joey sat up slowly, his hair a mess and a tiered and angry look on his face. "I want some juice." I ruffled his hair and helped him stand up.

"Go tell your poppa. He's in the kitchen." Joey yawned, tucking his teddy bear under his arm and stomped out into the kitchen. "Okay here's the fun part…Christopher." I gently sat down next to him and poked his cheek. "Christopher…I'm about to embarrass the hell out of you in front of your girlfriend." Nothing. I smiled and pocked his cheek again. "Okay…here I go…'I love you, you love me, and were a happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you…won't you say you love me too." I leaned down and kissed him gently on the cheek and he sat up fast pushing me, causing me to fall back on my butt. I l didn't care because I was laughing too loud and he was too red looking up at Rose, who of course, was also laughing. "He was the biggest Barney fan."

"Dad!" I laughed standing up and held my stomach watching Rose sit down on the floor next to him and kiss his very red cheek.

"Don't make me bring out the naked baby pictures." Rose raised an eyebrow and Chris slapped his forehead laying back. "Come on and get up. We need help finishing breakfast so we can open presents." I walked back into the living room wiping under my left eye and smiled seeing Logan leaning against the counter with Joey in his arms. He was sucking on one thumb with his head on Logan's shoulder, eyes closed. I walked into them and kissed Joeys cheek, rubbing his back. "I just realized, we don't have any presents for Rose." Logan looked up very sad and I sighed. "We'll get her some stuff tomorrow…do you know how long she's staying?"

"As long as she needs to Kendall." I nodded quick in agreement hearing the sadness in his voice. "Maybe we should give her parents a call or some…" He stopped talking and turned to look out the kitchen window. He moved slightly and reached out pulling the curtain back. It was still snowing, lightly and there was probably another foot out there. But what he heard, and we both saw was a very sleek looking car out on the curb. I watched the driver door open and then saw a women get out on the passenger side and quickly walked out of the kitchen. "Kendall?" I waved back to Logan's worried voice and walked to the front door. I slipped on my boots sitting by it, and pulled the door open quick.

When I stepped out, I slowly walked down the walkway seeing a couple walking towards me. The man saw me first and instead of smiling and greeting me warmly, he looked like he wanted to kick my ass. "Can I help you with something?" They both stopped, a few feet away from me and he sighed putting a hand in one of his pockets on his long coat.

"We're here to drop off something's for our daughter. All her gifts and some clothes and school stuff, if she's still going to school." Rose's parents. Of course.

"Oh…would you like to see her?"

"No, thank you we just want to give her this stuff and get back home before the other storm comes in." I nodded slowly and eyed the lady. Who looked very near tears. The guy cleared his throat and I turned back to him. "You guys didn't need to take her in." I felt my mouth drop open and he shrugged. "She's not your problem."

"She's not anyone's problem, and frankly I'm pretty damn sure i needed to take her in on Christmas Eve." The guy tensed up and the women grabbed his arm closest to her. "I'm a little curious as to what kind of father kicks out his own daughter on a night like last night, especially on Christmas."

"Kendall…" I felt a tug on my arm and knew Logan was trying to get me back in the house or at least back away but I wasn't going to.

"She's pregnant out of wedlock and won't get rid of it. She isn't my daughter. She's a whore who doesn't deserve to live in my house." My anger was slowly rising and knowing his wife and that girl's mother wasn't going to do anything about her ignorant husband was just standing there, didn't help.

"That it, is your grandchild. And being in love and acting on that love, doesn't make anyone a whore."

"Well your kind don't really have very high morals."

"My kind?" I was tugged again but I shoved Logan off me and stepped forward. "You mean the gays?" He laughed and took a step towards me as well. "If we're so bad why did we take in a pregnant girl who was kicked out of her house on Christmas. I've heard you're a pastor, yes?" He nodded, very proud of himself and I smiled. "Tell me this, if I'm so wrong for loving that man behind me, and I'm so wrong for raising four beautiful and prefect children, why hasn't God brought down his mighty hand on me? Why did I pray every single damn night since I was diagnosed with Lung cancer, for God to heal me and make it so I could live to see my children get married, or have their own children? Why did God answer my prayers, and protect and look over my family while we struggled through this? Why am I getting better and stronger every day? Why would God listen to a faggot? Why would God even bother with me and my husband, right?" His face was blank and unmoving. I chuckled and shrugged. "You aren't good enough to be a man of God. You aren't worth the breath you are blessed with every day. And you are never going to be forgiven the God's eyes for turning away your own daughter. You are a pathetic excuse for a father, and even worse excuse for a human being. Give your daughter her stuff and get the fuck off my property." I turned away from him quick and walked past Logan, who was ghostly white, and past Chris who looked happy and a little smug. I stormed back into the house and turned into the kitchen, breathing out hard. I stopped walking quick however when I almost ran into Rose, who was crying softly but looking happy. I loosened up and sighed out hoping she didn't hear me. "I'm…I'm sorry Rose. If you heard any…" I was hit hard, but with a hug. She was holding around me tight and crying softly on my chest.

"Thank you…thank you so much Mr. Knight…I mean…" She looked up and wiped under her eyes. "Dad."

**So someone had requested more smut…I hope that worked for you! And I have my own ideas about where this story is going to go, but if you have any thoughts let me know! I hope your enjoying this magical journey!**


	12. Chapter 12: Learn How To Fly

**Logan's P.O.V.**

You can always tell when Kendall is feeling good, or happy about something because he'll be writing, and playing his guitar. Not to toot my own horn but most of what he writes, is about me. I know because he's told me. I've always admired his beautiful mind, especially when he puts his thoughts into a beautiful song. I loved his voice too. When we were younger, before we got famous and big, he would sing to me. When we walked to school, when I would try to be studying or helping him with his own homework. It would be his way to distract me I think. Form stress about my school work, or my life. No matter what was going on in the world, hearing his voice or seeing him strumming his guitar would make everything seem okay.

Tonight, is no different. While I helped the kids get ready for their first night out, without us, to celebrate new year's, he went into his make shift office, which was really just one of our spare rooms, that he stored his guitars and all his music sheets. After getting Joey dressed I walked him downstairs and was about to give Chris my speech about watching over his little brother and sister when I did hear his guitar. I smiled, feeling butterflies rip through my stomach and turned down the hall, walking to the room at the end, on the first floor. The door was halfway closed and I leaned in on the frame putting both my hands in my jean pockets. His back was turned to me, with his feet up on his desk. There were two bottles of beer on the desk next to a pile of sheet paper. I heard his soft voice, singing something, but I couldn't make out the words. I put my head on the frame and sighed out softly, happily content. "You have a staring problem." I bit my bottom lip and shoved my hands further in my jean pockets. "When are the kids leaving?"

"Soon. You going to say goodbye?" He coughed out, just a little and took his feet off the desk. He stood up, setting the guitar on the desk and picking up one for the beer bottles. He turned to me taking a swig and I stood up, pushing off the frame of the door. "You're going to drink yourself to sleep before midnight."

"No…my name isn't Logan." I dropped my mouth into a perfect 'o' and stared up at him as he got closer. "What you're a lightweight. One glass of wine and you're out." I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest turning away from him. I started walking, but one of his arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back, into him. His lips pressed into the side behind my ear and I giggled. "You are going to regret letting them leave this house tonight."

"Oh yeah…why's that?" There was a small bite on my ear and I tried getting out of his grasp but his other arm wrapped around me, holding me against him tighter.

"Because you are going to get fucked in every square inch of this place."

"Kendall Donald Knight!" He kissed my cheek hard and let me go pushing past me and walking down the hall. I straightened out and followed out after him quick. I got right behind him and pinched his butt. He didn't even react and I hated that he could be so calm with my advances, while I melted and practically exploded in my pants.

"Poppa, daddy! We get to go bowling past bedtime!" I was run into and wrapped around my knees by Samantha. "And-and Chris said he's going to let me have as much candy and soda as I want!" I glared at Chris who shrugged and helped Rose put on her coat.

"You guys need to make sure you keep your eyes on them and do not let Joey wander off. You know he does that form time to time. Oh and make sure you get gas before you go to the bowling stadium. And make sure…

"Logan." My mouth was covered quickly and Kendal pulled out his wallet. He grabbed a couple bills and handed them to Chris who quickly put them in his own wallet. "NO later than 12:30. And if your brother and sister get tired come home, alright?" Chris nodded and I "sneakily" stuck out my tongue and licked Kendall's hand. He didn't even flinch I backed away from his hand, trying my best to act mad towards him. I gave Maggie a hug and kiss, then Joey and Sam and shot a warning glare at Chris to tell him to watch over my babies. He sighed patting my shoulder and grabbed Rose and Sam's hand, leading them out to the garage. Joey ran out after them with Maggie and they all started getting in my car because it was the biggest. "Have fun you guys and be careful." Kendall's voice boomed over me as we stood in the doorway looking out. We watched until they were all in the car and Chris opened the garage door. He slowly backed out into the driveway and stopped pushing the button on the sun visor to close the door. As soon as it closed I sighed out and said a little prayer in my head to watch over them. But that was about as much me time as I got. Kendall turned me quick and bent down a little so he could wrap his arms around the back of my legs and throw me over his shoulder. He was defiantly getting his strength back.

We didn't make it past the kitchen and fell on the ground in a heap. Our limps intertwined with each other and our lips, either one, never left skin. Our clothes somehow magically flew off our bodies and before I knew it he was inside me. This was one of those times where you wished and prayed your kids didn't forget something, and walked in on you. Not only would it be embarrassing it would kill the mood, which is something I definitely didn't want. Especially because this wasn't just banging, or fucking. This was sweet, slow and sensual love making that wasn't rushed. We took our time, touching, feeling and looking at each other. Not one moment or sweet glance or kiss, was taken for granted.

It had to have been our new record of how long we lasted. If I recalled correctly, the kids left at 8, and we didn't start that much long after that. It was now 9:25, and I was curled up in between his legs, as he sat up against the kitchen counter. His hands rubbed my back and arm and it was almost lulling me to sleep. "SO I was thinking…"

"I'll alert the presses." He lightly smacked my arm and I yawned pushing off of him. My bare butt sat on the cold kitchen floor and I turned to look back at him. He scratched his chest and yawned putting his head back. "You want another beer?" he nodded and I got up, grabbing my boxers with me. I slipped them on quick and shivered walking to the fridge. There was a bottle of champagne was still chilling on the top shelf and I wanted to open it already but we were waiting tell midnight. I instead grabbed two beers and some of the leftover chicken creaser salad. "What were you thinking about baby?" I closed the huge fridge door with my butt and walked back to him hitting between his calves to make him spread his legs wider. He did and I sat down, facing him. He pushed up and reached behind him pulling open a drawer and grabbing two forks.

"I think…we need to convince Chris to go to Notre Dame." He handed me a fork and I opened the container, tossing the lid to the side. "I mean…him and Rose can go together. He won't have to pay for tuition and we have a few extra pretty pennies tucked away that we could help her out with her tuition and I know Chris has saved up some money to live on." He shrugged and stabbed at the bowl in my hands getting some salad on his fork. "What was the one thing you said you would make sure would happen with our first child."

"We'd put him through college." He smiled shoving the forkful in his mouth. I frowned and stabbed at the bowl and scooted closer to him lifting my legs and putting them outside his body. "He thinks that would be the wrong decision. That it would be a mistake to go to school and play football because he wants to provide for his family."

"Don't you think getting a higher education to get a better paying job, maybe even playing football professionally, would make him an excellent provider?" I chewed slowly watching him starting to see what he was getting at.

"You just want him to play ball." He chuckled and opened both our beers and sipped form his. "You just want him to play for the fighting Irish. You don't care if he even gets an education."

"Well that's just not true." I laughed and he leaned forward kissing me softly. "The only thing that boy has known has been football. Why do anything else?"

"First of all…" I sat back form him and raised an eyebrow. "Our son is a hell of a lot more than a jock." He sat back against the counter and I set the bowl of salad down. "Second, this is not our choice. He's 18, and very intelligent. The choices he makes is a mirror image of what we've taught him and what his heart his telling him to do. We need to be proud of that." He turned away from me and I scooted closer, practically sitting on his lap. I put my hands on his face and turned it to me. "Weather he goes to MSU, or Notre Dame, is his choice. And no matter what we will love him, with all our hearts and support his decisions."

"I don't want him regretting anything Logan." I leaned forward resting my forehead on his and sighed out closing my eyes. "I don't want him to look back and think he could have been the next Payton, or Brady. Because I know he can be that. I just don't want his girlfriend being pregnant to be a road block." I opened my eyes and saw his bright green ones staring into my dark brown ones. "At least just let me…talk to him about it." I nodded quick knowing he wouldn't leave me alone about it until I at least let him do that. He kissed my nose, like that was the end of the discussion.

We cleaned up the kitchen after eating and drinking two more beers, each, and made our way out ot the living room to watch the ball drop on TV. Usually we would have gone somewhere for New Years, but Kendall's cancer made it difficult for him to travel. But snuggling up on the couch under a blanket with him was better than any big crowd in the city. The night was pretty perfect, that is until we heard the garage door open at about 11. We both sat up, and I rubbed my eyes, because I honestly was almost asleep. "Their home early." He got up stretching and I followed nodding and yawning.

"Sam and Joey are probably exhausted." He led us out to the kitchen just as the garage door to the kitchen busted open. Maggie came in, a little bit of her mascara running under her eyes. I moved towards her, worried when Chris appeared behind her, anger oozing form every pore on his body.

"Don't be a baby Maggie!" I frowned stepped forward and Maggie turned her fiery gaze to her brother.

"You are an asshole Chris!"

"Hey…language…what's going on?" Kendall got beside me and Maggie turned to us, pointing an accusing finger at her brother.

"He embarrassed me in front of everyone there!"

"Yay…including her 22 year old boyfriend!" Maggie turned back to Chris and shoved him by his chest hard. Kendall moved forward and pulled her back, by her waist.

"What boyfriend?" Kendall got between the two and looked at Chris, completely ignoring Maggie.

"Some paramedic. One of the guys that took her to the hospital." Slowly walking in form the garage was Rose holding a sleeping Sammy. I moved to her quick and saw Joey holding onto Rose's purse, looking seconds away from falling asleep. I sighed taking Sammy from her and thanking her quietly. She nodded quick and bent down picking up Joey. I walked in between the three still staring at each other and stopped.

"Go in the living room and wait for me. No yelling, cussing, and no shoving." I glared at Kendall walking by and walked Rose out both of us carrying the kids. I quickly walked Sammy up to the bathroom and woke her up to get her to brush her teeth. I got her brush wet with toothpaste and grabbed a pair of PJ's form he room seeing Rose helping Joey brush his teeth. When both were cleaned up and had clean teeth I thanked Rose and we walked back down, hearing loud talking and mean words flying around from my kids. When I appeared in view all of them, including sat down quick and shut up fast. I sighed and stood in front of Maggie seeing her pouting and not looking at her brother or dad. "What happened Mags?"

"I was just hanging out with Matthew poppa when he came over…" She nodded to her brother and frowned. "And told him to leave me alone and that I was too young for a boyfriend. Everyone heard him and everyone saw Chris walk me out like I was a little kid!"

"You weren't just hanging out with him Maggie. He was shoving his tongue down your throat!" I glared back at Chris and saw Kendall swallow hard.

"Okay…keep the details to a minimum please before you dad has a heart attack." I saw Rose smirk, sitting down beside Chris. I watched him look back at her, but she acted like he wasn't there.

"Can I just ask…who said you could have a boyfriend?" Both Maggie and I turned to Kendall who was standing up and staring down at her. "And I'm sorry…22? Isn't that a little old for a high school junior?" Maggie jumped up looking close to crying.

"Daddy I'm going to be 18 in August!"

"I don't care. Your 17 now and still under my roof. You cannot see him again Maggie." I stepped forward fast and got right in front of Kendall looking up at him.

"Excuse me but you don't get to make that decision." He looked down fast and I shook my head. "She can have a boyfriend Kendall. And he can be as old as he wants." There wasn't may times when Kendall and I got into really heated fights but I knew it was going to turn ugly when he got quiet and his jaw locked into place. I turned to Maggie and smiled small grabbing her face and bringing it closer to mine. I kissed her forehead softly and closed my eyes. "I would like to actually meet him, in different circumstances ya know." She pushed away from em and nodded fast smiling ear to ear. "As long as he treats you right and you are happy, I will approve." She hugged me fast and hard and I looked over her shoulder at Chris staring me down. I looked away and patted her back before she pulled away and took off her coat.

"Thanks poppa!" She quickly walked away towards the kitchen and I was left with an awkward silence and high tension. I turned slowly and saw Kendall staring me down. He cleared his throat and shook his head.

"Give us a minute guys…" I lowered my eyes to the floor hearing them walk out and made a tight fist with both my hands. "So I'm not aloud to make any decisions related to our kids, but you are?" I looked up at him fast, ready to yell, but he stepped forward cutting me off. "She's not gouging to date a 22 year old man. She's 17 and still in high school. It's not happening."

"Kendall please tell me how it feels to be getting old and having to step aside to let our children grow up and let them make their own decisions." His mouth fell open and I roughly poked his chest. "Just like with Chris not going to Notre Dame, you want to make her decisions because you're afraid they'll get hurt or end up not being happy, but I guarantee if you don't let them make their own mistakes and decisions, they will end up being more unhappy. You have to let them go sometime." I crossed my arms over my chest, mater of factly and huffed out hard. I couldn't hear any talking from the kitchen and knew, because they are just like Kendall and I, that they were listening to us argue. I hated that, but I wasn't going to let Kendall be the type of father who holds his kids so tight, they don't know how to fly.

"Just yesterday she was on my lap, asking and begging me to teach her how to play guitar." I looked up at his face and let my body language change. He looked so sad and it made me feel a little bad for him. He moved slowly and sat on the couch hard putting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. I sat next to him softly and put a hand on his back. "Just yesterday I was running up and down the street with Chris to get him ready for pee wee football. And just yesterday I was holding them in my arms as they quietly fed form their bottles. I wasn't or prepared for any of this Loges. I don't want to have to face this not because I'm afraid I'm getting old but because…" He lifted up his head and turned to me. "I'm afraid they won't need me anymore." I pulled him in quick and held around his neck laying my head on his shoulder.

"Baby…they'll always need their daddy." I rubbed up and down his arm slowly and turned my head kissing his shoulder. "And guess what?" I pulled away and lifted his head to look in his eyes. "We have two more." He chuckled softly and kissed my lips quick. His wraps wrapped around me and we held each other. "Imagine what kind of people our kids are going to be in ten years. Maybe Chris will be playing for the Vikings, and maybe Mags will be a famous writer. And God only knows what our little ones will be…but we have to let them find it out themselves."

"And you'll always be my daddy." We both pulled away and saw Maggie and Chris standing next to each other smiling small. Maggie moved forward close and pushed Kendall back and little and climbed on his lap. He laughed and held her close to him. "I really like him daddy." Kendall turned to me and I nodded softly. He breathed out hard and shook his head.

"If he breaks your heart I break his legs." Maggie rolled her eyes and I felt Chris sit next to me. "And I'll let Chris beat the living shit out of him, I swear to God Mags…he better treat you right."

"Okay daddy…" Kendall and I locked eyes again and I smiled blowing him a kiss. He sighed and held onto Maggie tighter.

**SO….THIS STORY IS ALMOST OVER. I THINK ITS RUN IT'S COURSE…BUT I HAVE A FEW MORE CUTE, AESOME FAMILY TYPE THINGS. IF ANYONE OF OYU HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR ME, FOR THIS STORY, JUST HIT ME UP!**


	13. Chapter 13: Meet The Parents

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

I wasn't ready for this. It was like I was going to watch her get born all over again. I hated how nervous I was for this day to play out. It started off bad, with a bad coughing fit, that made m dizzy and tired, making me stay in bed for a few minutes, upon Logan's orders. He went around the house, cleaning up and getting it ready for tonight. After almost 20 minutes he came back in, to check on me. I loved seeing his goofy little grin nowadays because it was so real. It was so Logan. He walked over to my side of the bed and climbed on putting his hands outside my head. I was on my side, so when he bent down, he kissed onto my temple. I closed my eyes, smiling small and sighed out. "You seem more relaxed." I nodded snuggling deeper into the bed and my pillow. "We have to leave in an hour so don't go back to sleep." I couldn't help but chuckle hearing him be typical Logan to me. He must always be on time for things. It gets kind of annoying but I still love him for it.

"My chest doesn't burn anymore, but…that cough really knocked the wind out of me." Another kiss was placed to my cheek this time and I opened my eyes. "I don't want you to think I'm being negative but I don't think I'm going to like this guy." A loud groan boomed in my ear and he quickly jumped off me, and off the bed. I sat up fast smiling small seeing him walking to the bathroom. "I don't think it's very fair you and Maggie get to force this on me."

"It's not about you stud." I kicked the blankets off me and got out of the bed, stretching my sore tired legs. "You would think a guy with a nice steady job, his own place, his own car…and even the fact that his job is to save lives, would give him a head start with you." I leaned against the frame of the bathroom and watched him wash his face. The way his fingertips worked the soap around his face, was so gentle and careful. "You know…I really hate when you do that." I laughed and walked in, grazing his butt in a pair of tight jeans with my hand and walked to the toilet.

"DO what?" He sighed irritated and I lifted the lid on the toilet to take a pee.

"Watch me." I laughed louder this time and put my head back groaning quietly starting to pee. "Don't laugh. You do it all the time creep-o."

"I only watch you because you're so God damn cute. Not my fault. Yours." This time he laughed and I turned to look at him. Now he was doubled over, eyes squeezed closed tight, and washing the soap off with water. I quickly flushed the toilet, and walked to the sink right next to his and turned it on, washing my hands. "What time is he coming over?" I stared down at my hands hearing him grab the towel behind us on the wall and dry his face.

"After he gets off work at 5. Maggie said he's going to go home first and change, and then come over. Is that alight with you?" I rolled my eyes and felt a sharp slap to my butt but ignored him. "After we go to the doctors we need to go to the store. I took inventory, and noticed those kids are eating us out of house and home."

"Well we do have a pregnant girl living here." I quietly reminded him looking up at the mirror and seeing him standing right behind me, staring at me with arms crossed over his chest. "What are you staring at?" He stuck out his tongue and turned walking out of the bathroom.

"You don't like it do you?!" He shouted from the room and I frowned bending over and splashing water on my face.

He made the bed and cleaned up around our room while I got changed and brushed my teeth. When I was done and we walked downstairs, my nerves were creeping up making it difficult for me to want to eat the breakfast Logan had made. It was just a simple egg and bacon breakfast but I could hardly swallow the first bite. He gave me a concerned look but I shook him off, telling him my stomach was just a little upset. That wasn't far from the truth, but I couldn't tell him I was scared. This wasn't a normal checkup. This was the day I was going to find out if all the medication, and radiation therapy was paying off and I was going to be fine again. There was a small doubt in my mind, and I even think in my doctors mind that I would be "cured" fully so to speak. But I wouldn't tell Logan that, because he was set in his way. He knew I was fine and healthy, and there was no way you could change his mind.

Our drive to the doctor's office was cold and a little quiet. I held Logan's hand softly while he drove, all smiles. I had hoped it wouldn't have to take very long, but like always we had to wait out in the waiting room for almost 30 minutes before the nurse even called me back. I did the usual things, like I always did. The first was of course, getting on the scale and seeing how skinny I was. However, this time was different. I looked down at the numbers like always but when I saw the three numbers in green pop up, I almost passed out. I turned to look back at Logan who was looking at a picture on the wall, still smiling. I softly hit his arm and pointed to the numbers. He walked next to me and glanced down, smile fading. "My goodness Mr. Knight!" I turned to my other side to see the nurse looking at the numbers but writing them down. I stared back to the numbers and slowly shook my head.

"Baby…you're…you're back to your normal weight." I turned to see Logan still looking at the numbers. "That's a good sign…right Rachel."

"Hell yes it is." I frowned hating that they were getting the hopes up for probably nothing. I stepped off the scale and took my coat from Logan who quickly got on his toes and kissed my lips. I pulled away fast and forced a smile letting him lead me out of the small room, after Rachel who seemed to bouncing on her toes happiness oozing from every pore.

Just as I had expecting, this visit wasn't going to be a good. Especially when my usual doctor walked in with two other men. They introduced themselves as special doctors who deal with cancer patients, and that made Logan stand right behind and squeeze onto my arm. One of the doctors, Dr. Parson, was the first to clear his throat and turn to me, a huge smile on his face. "I'm afraid were going to have to start calling you the miracle case of the whole world." I frowned slightly feeling Logan's grip tighten as he stepped forward a little. "Mr. Knight…in my years of being a doctor, not one of my patients has healed as rapidly as you, with such high marks." I raised my eyebrows turning to my Doctor, doctor Peterson and he sighed pushing off the counter he was leaning on.

"I had mapped out how long the treatment and medicine would take to work and kill off the cancer cells, and I told you February but from what my associates have told me, the reason this has worked so quickly was because your immune system is growing stronger and with the help of the pills, and radiation, your body as fought, and killed this thing like a regular old boxer. Your body didn't give up, it didn't stop working, which in the end benefitted you greatly. Kendall…Logan…you're cancer free. Completely…you have…cured yourself of cancer, the first one to do it…uhm ever." I heard a hard breath leave my body as two arms, shaking, wrapped around my neck and pulled me in hard so every inch of skin on my face was kissed by two soft, trembling wet lips. I heard the doctors say they would give us a minute, and even saw them walk out, smiling and clapping each other on the back. As soon as the door shut Logan was in front of me and pressing his lips hard into my own. My hands found his hips and instead of gripping and pulling them towards me, I pushed back. He stepped back, hands resting softly on my shoulders and gave me a very hurt look.

"What's wrong?"

"You kissed James." His hands fell off my body and he took a few more steps back. He wiped his face quick and I couldn't believe now, out of all the time I could have brought this up, I chose now. "You let him lie to me Logan. You went to that man when our marriage was barely holding on and you kissed him. Why?" He turned away quick and I shook my head. "You don't understand what that does to me. The thought that through heartache and pain we suffered as a family, you chose to go to him. Again. Did you think that me being cancer free meant that everything that had happened in the past year would just go away and I'd be okay with how you treated me? How you treated our kids?" It was like word vomit and I couldn't stop it. I desperately wanted to but hearing my life was extended by at least 20 years just put things in perspective. "Samantha and Joey not only had to see me sick as a dog but they had to see you break down mentally. And Maggie? Too afraid and ashamed to come to either of us with her serious problems because she didn't want to get in the middle of our serious problems. This family is not okay Logan. I may be healthy again, and I may have my physical strength back but my mind is running a thousand miles a minute and I can't slow down. I'm happy and I'm grateful I'm not sick anymore but…" I stopped seeing him wiping under his eyes again. His head was hanging low like a dog's after being scolded. He was crying, quietly but slowly getting louder. He was shaking again. He was worried again, like 20 years ago, when I found out him and James had sex, that I was going to leave him. If I could read Logan's mind he was probably yelling at himself, telling him himself he deserved this brutal verbal abuse, and that if I left him, it would only be his fault. It killed me to know I was the cause for the tears and the horrible thoughts probably running through his head and regretted everything I told him. I pushed myself off my seat and walked into him slowly, pulling him in quick. He didn't make a move to wrap around me, he just stood there and shook and cried, while I held him. I put a hand on the back of his head and one around his back laying my cheek on his bald head. I closed my eyes listening to him cry and feeling him shake. "I'm sorry Logan." His arms moved quick and wrapped tight around me. His head laid on my chest and he let out a shaky breath.

"I'm-I'm sorry…I lied…I kissed him…I've been an awful parent…I've been an awful husband-husband." I squeezed my eyes tighter and pulled him in closer. "I put myself-myself in destruct mode. I-I didn't want to go on with my life…if you weren't there Kendall-Kendall." There was a small hiccup that left his mouth and I turned my head quick, kissing his head. "I don't…I don't know how to make anything right Kendall. With you…the kids-kids. They hate me." I frowned and pulled him away softly to look at his face. It was red and stained with tears. Tears that were my fault. I put my hands on his face and gently started to wipe them away.

"They don't hate you. I don't hate you. Don't lie again Logan. And don't kiss him again because I swear to God I'll go postal." His eyes closed as he nodded and the door behind us opened. I turned quick and smiled and Jim. "I'm sorry Jim…is it alright if we leave?"

"Of course…just come back when you can. Anytime. I can move stuff around." I nodded and wrapped an arm around Logan's shoulders walking him to the door. It stayed quiet as I set him in the passenger seat. He had calmed down considerably but still clung to my arm like it was his life support. When we got home we walked in the house and he dragged me up stairs. We fell on the bed tangled in each other's arms and just held each other, there. There was probably a million people I needed to call about my news, but didn't. Just stayed holding him, letting him calm down, and eventually fall asleep. I wasn't far behind.

When we were woken, it was hard to get us untangled. My body was sore and stiff from our positioning, and he was reluctant to get up. But there was soft knocks coming from our door, and a small voice not audible. I pushed myself up, making Logan fall on his back, and groan. I yawned rubbing my face and gently rubbed his chest. "Daddy?" It was Sam's small voice outside our door, and it made me look to the clock on Logan's nightstand. Just a little past 5, which meant we slept most of the day away. Logan sat up fast hearing Sam and also looked at the clock. "Poppa?" Logan jumped out of bed first and walked to our door, hallway closed when he pulled it open Sam was standing alone with wide worried eyes. However seeing Logan and then me on the bed, made her relax and she rushed into Logan's legs. "I was so worried about you and daddy poppa!" Logan chuckled softly and bent down picking her up. "Chris and Maggie said we aren't having a dinner anymore." I yawned again climbing out of bed as well and walked to them, just as they stepped out of the room. "They said we don't have food so we can't eat." I laughed seeing Logan panic slightly realizing we didn't make it to the store to go grocery shopping.

"We are going to eat sweetheart…we'll just call in some Chinese or maybe pizza." Sam started bouncing on Logan's hip as we walked down stairs. As soon as we got there and stepped in the kitchen I froze in my place. Chris and Rose were sitting at the bar with Joey on Chris's lap looking at Chris's laptop. But Maggie…Maggie was sitting on the counter with a boy between her legs, leaning into her. They were kissing. No scratch that…they were hardcore making out. Logan stopped short noticing them and awkwardly cleared his throat. The guy jumped back and Maggie hopped off the counter.

"Poppa daddy…uhm…this…this is Josh. Josh…these are my parents."


	14. Chapter 14: Divide

**HEY REAL QUICK…THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED, FAVORITED, AND FOLLOWED THIS STORY. IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME. I DID QUITE A BIT OF THINKING FOR THIS STORY AND I DIDN'T THINK I'D LIKE WRITING SUCH A SAD ONE WITH KENDALL BEIGN THAT SICK BUT ONCE I STARTED I COULDN'T STOP. I KNOW IN MY STORY, MAGICALLY, KENDALL IS CURED AND HE GETS TO BE HEALTHY AGAIN AND HAVE MORE YEARS ATTACHED TO HIS LIFE, BUT IN REAL LIFE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN LIKE THAT. MY AUNT WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BREAST CANCER WHEN I WAS ONLY 11 AND I WATCHED IT REALLY BREAK DOWN MY FAMILY. MY MOM AND HER LOST TOUCH, BECAUSE JUST LIKE HOW LOGAN REACTED, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITHOTU HER SISTER. CANCER SUCKS AND IT DOESN'T PLAY FAIR BUT FOR THE PEOPLE THAT FIGHT IT AND DON'T LET IT BREAK THEM DOWN YOU ARE MY HEROE'S AND IF ANYONE HAS A FAMILY MEMBER STRUGGLING WITH THIS AWFUL THING YOU ARE ALSO MY HERO AND I'M WRITIGN THIS FOR YOU, AND FOR EVEYROEN EVER EFFECTED BY IT.**

**Logan's P.O.V.**

You would need a saw, or a Samurai sword to cut the tension in this room right now. Thankfully I had Joey on my lap to distract me every now and then as everyone sat around, quietly eating. Joey would bounce around on my lap, pick at his slice of pepperoni pizza and then try to reach for his glass of milk. I would have to grab the glass, slide his paper plate closer to him so he didn't drop the pizza and every now and then I would smooth out the hair on his head. Just so I didn't have to look around the crowded table. However, sometimes I was caught. I'd have to look up. That was the absolute worse.

On the right side, sitting close to each other, was Maggie and Rose. Maggie was closest to me, because across form her, on my left side was Josh and Chris. Josh didn't even dare to look up at her, and would occasionally smile at me, or Kendall. Kendall…I know there was a reason I married this man, I was just having a hard time understanding that reason. He had Sammy right next to him, in a spare chair form the garage, but his attention and focus was strictly on the kid to my immediate left. Kendall had assigned seats. Under no circumstances was Maggie aloud to sit next to him. Before I could argue it on him, Rose popped up and said she'd sit next to Maggie before he could. And she did. Which left Chris, who was turning more and more into Kendall every day, to sit next to the poor kid. Neither Chris or Kendall talked, or attempted to talk to the kid. I had to admit though, seeing him shove his tongue down my daughters throat was a little irritating but it wasn't going to make me rude. I quietly cleared my throat getting everyone's attention and smiled small. "Josh…how was work?" Josh sat up a little wiping his hands on the napkin on his lap and smiled to me.

"Busy actually." I nodded and shot a warning glance to Kendall. He sighed and leaned forward on the table, staring at Josh.

"Why'd you become a paramedic?" I turned back to Josh and saw him daring the glance at Kendall. He swallowed hard and Maggie sat up a little looking between her dad and boyfriend.

"Well I was in college, playing hockey for Minnesota state when I got in a bad accident and hurt my leg pretty bad. I was benched the rest of the season and changed my major to sports medicine. I don't know…one thing just led to another and I went to apply for the job, getting it." The table went quiet and I was suddenly reminded of something very important. I sat up fast, making Chris and Rose turn to me.

"Your dad is cancer free!" Sammy was the first to jump up, mouth wide open staring at Kendall. I don't know if she knew exactly what that meant but she was happy about it. "He doesn't have it anymore you guys!"

"Yay daddy!" Sammy climbed on Kendall's lap and hugged around his neck tight. Joey jumped off my lap and ran around the table also climbing on Kendall's lap. I remembered the talk Kendall and I had in the doctor's office and fell back in my seat, seeing all four of my kids get up, and hug their dad tight, telling them they loved him. It was a sick reminder that I had messed up, and I didn't realize how bad until this moment. All four of them held onto their dad at the same time tight. He tried to hug all of them but couldn't get his arms around all their backs. I looked down at my hands in my lap and played with my fingers feeling my pizza coming up.

"Does that mean you can teach me how to play hockey now daddy?" I glanced up to see Joey staring up at Kendall hopeful. Kendall laughed and nodded pulling him back in for a hug.

"Maybe even Josh can join us since he played in college." I saw Josh's face light up and Kendall moved forward a little staring at him. "Of course…as long as you don't break my daughters heart." Maggie stood up straight and glared down at Kendall. "Cause if you break her heart, I'm afraid you'll get in another bad "accident" and not be able to walk again."

"Daddy!" Maggie stomped her foot and Josh swallowed hard but nodded slowly.

"I understand sir." Kendall chuckled and looked up at Maggie.

"Calm down little girl. You should be lucky I let him come over." Maggie frowned walking back to her seat. Chris also got up and went back to his seat eating the last bit of his crust. "Okay…were playing…me and Joe against Chris and Josh… let's go." All three boys jumped up quick and Kendall downed the rest of his Pepsi before turning and walking towards the hall closet where his gear was. I looked down, swallowing hard and pushed my plate away. Not that I didn't deserve this, but it still hurt. I watched all the boys and even Maggie leave after Kendall. I was left with Rose and Sammy who still had pizza left to eat. I slowly stood up and closed one of the pizza boxes before lifting my own plate and walking to the kitchen. When I got in, had to bite my bottom lip so I didn't start crying again, and losing my mind. I never realized that when the day came, that Kendall would be 100% better, I wouldn't be involved with the celebration. But it was my own fault. I was the idiot who hurt him and my family, and I deserved everything I got. I don't know how many times I was going to have to tell myself that, but it was the truth.

I only tossed my plate in the trash before walking back into the dining room. Now both Rose and Sammy were gone. I sighed quietly, tucking my chair back under the table and reaching out for the paper plates scattered around the table. I started stacking them, and picking up dirty napkins. When I got to the end Kendall was sitting at, I stopped short seeing Joey's school bag on the ground. Inside, was a gold, shiny medal. I bent down quick and reached in, pulling it out. On the bottom written in his handwriting on a piece of paper taped to the medal was "BEST POPPA EVER". My heart dropped down to my stomach hearing giggles form the backyard and I stood up fast. I put the plates and napkins on the table and started to peal the paper off. When it was off, I heard a gasp leave my mouth. "Spelling Bee Champion". I looked up fast and hurried towards the glass doors leading to the backyard. I pushed through them and se Joey running, trying to hold up his hockey stick. "Joseph Knight!" Everyone stopped moving and talking and Joey dropped his stick. We never yelled at the kids, at least we tried not to. So I know I must have scared him. I started to walk down the stairs of the deck to get to him on the grass. "Come here…" I got down on my knees and held the medal up. Joey quickly started walking towards me, his head down, and one fist baled up, rubbing his eyes. He was already crying. When he got close enough, I reached out with my free hand and pulled him in hugging him tight. "Why didn't you tell me you got this?" He sobbed out and put his arms around my neck crying onto me. "I'm so sorry baby…I never wanted to make you upset. You have no idea how proud of you I am, sweetheart." He sobbed again and I gently rubbed his back. "Why'd' you cover it up with best poppa ever?" I kissed the side of his head and he sobbed still, shaking his head. I swallowed hard and saw Kendall come up behind us, bending down as well. He gently took the medal from me and sighed seeing the paper also in my hand. He grabbed it and looked up quick. He rubbed the back of Joey's head, running his fingers through his hair. My other arm now also wrapped around Joey and pulled him up tighter onto me. He was still crying, sobbing and wailing, breathing hard. I pushed myself up, holding him up on my body and turned, waking back to the house. I heard Kendall tell the kids to stay out there and start the game just as I walked in the house. I hurried to the stairs and carried him all the way up until I got to his room and walked us in, sitting on his bed. He continued to cling onto me, crying and because my face and chest was already wet form his tears, I hadn't noticed I started crying. "I'm so sorry Joey. I'm sorry I was mean to you. I never wanted to hurt you. You're my baby and I love you. I'm so sorry Joey." His small little hands gripped my shirt ad tugged on it, sobbing louder into my neck. I closed my eyes squeezing onto him, crying myself. I heard the floor creak by the door but didn't turn, knowing it was just Kendall. He was just going to say, told you so. You're a bad dad and I'm going to leave you, and take your kids away too. That only made me squeeze Joey tighter.

"I'm sorry poppa." I frowned, letting one of my own sobs leave my mouth. I felt a dip next to me along with a hand on my back, rubbing softly. I turned my head quick and saw Kendall staring between Joey and I. I couldn't help sobbing louder seeing him. He pulled me in quick and sighed rubbing Joey's back.

"Joey…you're poppa and I love you so much. We are so proud of you for winning the spelling bee champion but we wanted you to tell us about it, okay?" Joey only nodded against me and I sighed wiping under my eye on Kendall's shoulder. "Why'd you cover it with best poppa ever?" I pushed harder into Kendall remembering me asking Joey if he wanted a medal for his A. "Joe…"

"Because I wanted to make poppa proud and happy." I sobbed out again holding Joey closer to me. "I wanted to show poppa I was a good boy and I wanted to make you and poppa like each other again." I sat up fast and stared at Kendall seeing him shaking his head.

"Buddy…you don't have to worry about that kind of stuff." Joey pushed off me slowly, still gripping my shirt and turned to Kendall. "What happens between me and your poppa has nothing to do with you, and you don't have to try to fix it."

"But-but…I didn't want you two to get a divide." I frowned sitting back, and relaxing and heard Kendall chuckle beside me.

"A divide?" Joey nodded furiously and rubbed both his eyes. I slowly set him down, on both of our laps and held the back of his head. "What do you mean Joey?"

"A divide daddy…I didn't want you and poppa to leave me to have to get two houses and have two Christmas's and birthdays." He did the typical kid thing with the hiccupping and the rubbing his tired, sore eyes and I smiled small turning to Kendall.

"He means divorce. He doesn't want us to divorce."

"You guys are getting a divorce?!" We both turned to the door to see our other three children looking terrified. Maggie ran in and stood in front to of us shaking her head and pointing between the two of us. "You guys promised everything was okay! Daddies okay now poppa don't be sad! You guys can't divorce!" Kendall jumped up quick and pulled her in for a hug where she molded into his body and started to sob, hysterically. Seeing this, I guess Chris and Sammy thought for sure we were getting divorced and ran over, tackling me, and hugging me, begging me not to leave. I only looked to Kendall for help and eh sighed shaking his head.

"Guys…guys relax. We're not divorcing." All three of the kids stopped and looked between us, confused. "Your little brother was scared we were because while I was sick we went through so hard times." He motioned to me and him. He put out a hand for Sammy who gladly jumped up and took it. Kendall bent down slowly picking her up and setting her on his hip while Maggie held around his other side. "I love your dad you guys, and he loves me. I know it's been hard with me being sick, and everything else happening but it's not enough for us to divorce." I felt Chris laid his head on my shoulder and Joey snuggle back on my lap. I couldn't take my eyes off Kendall though. He looked so sincere. "You guys need to though that while we all have our faults; it's not going to break this family apart. Your father could tell me right now, he wanted to see other people and I'd still love him with my entire heart. He had to deal with a few personal problems while dealing with me being sick, and unfortunately he took it out on you guys some times, but that doesn't mean he isn't the best dad in the world and It doesn't mean he loves you any less, okay?" I closed my eyes putting my head on Chris's and held tighter around Joey tighter. "This family isn't going to tear apart over something stupid like cancer. Especially now that I'm better and will stay better the rest of my life." I opened my eyes to see Kendal staring down at me, burning hole sin my skull, but smiling. "So…what we're going to do is stop our crying, go down stairs, eat the rest of that pizza, and go play some hockey, with Maggie's stupid boyfriend." Maggie pushed off Kendall quick and stomped her foot pouting and storming past him and Chris who had jumped up. I couldn't help but smile as Chris ran after her saying her boyfriend was stupid, and on the short side. Kendall set Sammy down softly and ruffled her curly brown hair. She squealed and ran to me, kissing my cheek and then ran out of the room screaming for her big brother to be on her team. We were left with Joey again who looked calmed down, but tired. I rubbed his back softly and he looked up at me, suddenly shy. He shoved his face back in my neck making both Kendall and I to laugh.

"I love you Joey and I always will." I kissed his head softly and he squeal much like his sister and jumped off my lap. He gently patted Kendall's leg and looked up at him.

"You're it daddy!" He turned and ran as fast as he could out of his room. I chuckled looking at the door he just ran out of and felt about 20 pounds leave my body. With my head still turned, I felt but didn't see Kendall get in front of me. One of his hands rubbed over my head softly making em shiver. I turned, looking up at him and watched him reach with his other hand, for one of mine. I breathed in hard and took his hand, letting him pull me up. When we got as level as we could, with me being about foot shorter his hands went on my face and he kissed my forehead softy.

"That was quite a speech you gave." I tucked my fingers into the waistband of his jeans and tugged him towards me gently. He didn't even move. I sighed and turned my head to look up at him. "Do you remember what the first thing you wanted to do when you got better was?" He frowned and turned his head looking over mine, to try and figure it out. I laughed and stepped into him kissing his collarbone.

"I know I was thinking about getting a Harley." I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Okay then what…I still want a Harley just so you know." I craned my head to look at him and smiled shaking my head.

"First of all…no way. You're too old to have a Harley." His mouth fell open and I laughed kissing his open mouth. "Second…you told me, the night we got back from the cancer center in Michigan, that the day you found out you were better, and healthy again…you wanted to go back in the studio and record again." A small smile crept on his face and I shrugged. "So…tomorrow we'll take the kids with us, and go in to pick up where we left off with James and Carlos. How does that sound?" Even before I could blink his arms were behind my legs, lifting me up. I panicked slightly and put my arms around his neck. He forced my legs around his waist just so he could attach his lips to mine. I laughed in our kiss and rubbed my hands over his head.

"That sounds perfect actually…you know what would make it better?" I pulled away from his mouth and frowned shrugging. There was a pinch to my butt and I yelped. "Some hardcore fucking." I groaned slapping his bare head lightly and wiggled out of his arms. He set me down, put shoved his hand in my back pocket as we walked out of Joey's room.

"You're a pervert you know that?"


	15. Chapter 15: Front Door

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

It was an almost perfect day to go out to the park and toss the old pig skin around. It was chilly, and there was snow here and there, but the sun was shining high up in the skin, and there was no wind. I considered that a perfect day. It had been two weeks since everything sort played out. Me being cancer free, Logan having to confront the kids, only it was just Joey, and of course meeting Maggie's boyfriend, who (even thought I will never admit this to anyone _especially _Logan) I actually like. It was a freaking miracle I was able to stand still. So the best way to get my life back together, slowly putting the pieces together, was to go out and play some ball with Chris.

We left the house, without anyone hearing us, or seeing us. At least we tried. It wasn't like we didn't want anyone coming with us, we just hadn't gotten do to this for a long time and I was really looking forward to having a serious talk with Chris. Just as I was leaving the bedroom, dressed in a pair of basketball shorts and a black hoodie and sneakers, Logan woke up. He called me in quietly and I sighed turning back to see him pushing himself up in the bed. I smiled walking over to him slowly and climbed back on the bed, pushing into him with my face. I kissed him softly, getting an equally loving kiss back. When I pulled away he yawned and put a hand on my face. "Where you sneaking off too?"

"The park with Chris…going to play some ball." He rolled his eyes kissing me again. When he pulled away this time, he laid back onto the pillow and rubbed over his face. I quickly moved a hand over his stomach and pushed up his shirt. I gently rubbed his skin making him shiver.

"Don't be too rough, and please tell me your not just wearing shorts?" I frowned and scooted closer to him bending down over his newly exposed soft stomach and kissed onto his belly button. "You can't get sick babe." I smiled and shook my head nipping at the soft skin below his belly button above the top of his boxers. "Fine…do what you want. I'm not taking care of your sorry butt when you get a cold…hey!" I bit down harder on his skin making him yelp. I looked up smiling and put both hands outside his head hovering over his face. "When you come back will you at least bring breakfast home?" I nodded slowly and both his hands went to my face. "You're not going to say anything about today are you?" I frowned and cocked my head, confused as hell. "It's Valentine's day hubby." I smiled huge moving down on top fo him and kissing him hard and fast. His arms wrapped around the back of my neck and pulled me down harder. Our kiss intensified quick and hard and if it hadn't had been for the knocks at our door, the kiss probably could had led to some sex. But alas, having four kids, always means, your interrupted. I pushed off him, only turning my head to the door and sighed.

"You ready?" Chris was being as quite as he could and I smiled small turning back to Logan.

"Give me a minute dude…" I kissed Logan's forehead softly and pushed off him slowly. "Are we going to do anything tonight?" I sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed my watch off the nightstand, realizing I almost forgot it. There was a small dip behind me and two hands rested on my shoulder where they slowly but harshly started to rub. It felt amazing, especially with the sweet kisses to the back of my neck.

"I actually have something planned." I smiled but rolled my eyes. Typical Logan. "I already asked Mags and Rose and Chris if they didn't mind babysitting for us so we're good to go." I nodded turning my head capturing his lips with mine while trying to get my watch on. His hands moved down slowly over my chest and stopped on my stomach. He pulled away from the kiss and put his forehead on mine sighing out. "Go have fun in the cold and mud…don't throw out your back, and don't get a stupid cold." There was a kiss to the side of my head and he pushed away from me, and got off the bed, stretching and walking to the bathroom. I smiled watching his butt sway until he disappeared in the bathroom. I pushed myself up and walked to the bedroom door making sure I had my wallet and keys.

Chris and I jumped in my car and as soon as I pulled out on the street, the music was turned up loud. We didn't really make any kind of conversation and the drive to the park was short. It was just right down the street and when I parked on the curb by the park. He jumped out fast, the football tucked under his arm. I laughed, reaching in my glove compartment and grabbing a plain black beanie. I slipped it on before getting out, locking the car and shoving the keys in my pocket I walked out onto the grass. I clapped my hands a few times, and put them up smiling at Chris walking backwards waiting for me. "Let's go!" He quickly went into position, gripped the ball and let it fly into the air, effortlessly. I caught it gracefully and also went into position, and tossed back, sighing softly. I remembered the pep talk I gave myself the night before about how I was going to talk to him about college. I cleared my throat and caught the ball again from him. "So…talk to me about Notre Dame." I tossed him the ball again, this time, he caught it and brought it down to his side, staring at me.

"What do you mean? I'm not going." I frowned and watched him throw it again. When it was it my hands I shrugged and tossed it back and forth between my hands. "Please tell me this isn't why you wanted to do this?" He pointed between the two of us and I laughed throwing him the ball. "Dad…I've already made up my mind. I'm staying here to support my family. I'm going to have a baby at the end of the summer. I won't have time for school or football." I nodded slowly and he threw the ball back to me kind of rough, but I caught it none the less.

"Chris you know…if you go to college the chances of getting a better hob to support your family are higher." I saw him roll his eyes and I lowered my hands, not going to throw the ball. "So you're telling me you're not even going to go to MSU?"

"What's the point?" I sighed out hard and slowly started to walk towards him. "Let me guess…pop put you up to this?" I got right in front of him and shook my head slowly.

"Your father actually didn't want me to even talk to you about this." He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at the ground. "Do you really want to give up that part of your life?"

"I don't have any other choice dad." He said it through gritted teeth, and low angry voice. "I appreciate what you and pop have done for us, but I want to start to take care of myself."

"Oh I get it…this is about you being the big man in front of your girlfriend, right?" He turned up to me fast, anger oozing from his pores.

"Actually…" he paused and breathed out hard, swallowing a hard lump in his throat. "She's my fiancée." The words literally burned my ear drums and I had to step back from him. The ball dropped from my hands and I started to see yellow stars dancing around in front of me. "I asked her this morning. I bought her a ring, with the money I've been saving to take with me when I went to school but now that I'm not going…" I closed my eyes shaking my head and putting up a hand. "Dad?"

"We're going home…now." I turned before opening my eyes and started walking to the car. I hurried to the drivers side, feeling like throwing up, or just throwing myself in front of a bus and got in the car, slamming the door behind me. Chris wasn't far behind and when his door shut, I shoved the key in the ignition and slammed on the gas, not even waiting for him to pu ton his seatbelt.

I didn't even bother parking the car in the garage. I almost even forgot to turn off the car. When I did get out, I walked before Chris up to the house and shoved the front door open hard. The laughter and talking that had been going on, stopped short, and stayed quiet until I got in the dining room. Logan was sitting at the head of the table with Joey on his lap, helping him make what looked like sugar cookies. Sam was sitting next to Maggie, both wearing aprons also helping with the sugar cookie making. All four of them glanced up at me, and Logan even stood up slowly setting Joey on the chair. "What's wrong?" I heard the front door shut and then him walk in behind me, making Logan's concerned face, get even worse. "What's going on?" I cracked a few of my knuckles and turned to the other three.

"Do you guys mind giving us a few minutes alone with your brother?" All three got up quick and walked into the living room. Logan sighed crossing his arms over his chest and Chris walked over to the table pulling out a chair. "He's not going to college Logan." I was honestly expecting uproar from my genius of a husband but he stayed quiet. He looked at Chris confused and then turned back to me shrugging.

"I thought that was evident when he turned down Notre Dame?" I frowned and rolled my eyes walking towards them. "He doesn't want to go to college Kendall…he doesn't have to."

"Why so he can throw away his life for a baby and his new fiancé?" Logan's lips parted just a sliver and I pointed down to Chris. "He isn't going to not continue his education Logan. That would be the dumbest thing he could ever do."

"You're going to marry her?" It was like I wasn't even talking. He looked down at Chris who nodded smiling. Logan practically jumped on him and hugged him tight. "Congratulations baby…I'm so happy for you!" I put my hands on my hips and swallowed a scream that would have probably made matters worse. "When did you ask her?!"

"This morning…" A small 'awe' left Logan's mouth and I sighed out hard throwing my hands up.

"Hello!? There is a bigger problem here then Chris getting married Logan!" They both turned to me and Logan straightened up staring me down. "How can you be so calm with just letting him throw away his life?!"

"he isn't throwing away his life away Kendall! He's just taking a different path then what you would want! Did you even congratulate our son on his engagement?" I frowned shaking my head not even worried about any of that. "Chris is old enough and mature enough to make his own decisions about his life. He wants to get a job and start taking care of her himself and were going to support that because we're his parents." I nodded slow and looked down at Chris who looked much like when he was a little kid, getting yelled at.

"Okay…you want to take care of all that? How about you start paying rent? And your phone bill, hot water, the power, your cable bill and you put up money for the food you and your girlfriend eat? How does that sound?" He put his head down and I put up my hands. "How about I make up a list for you about everything you need to start doing and everything you need to start paying for? That way…ya know you can take care of your own life and live it the way you want!" There was a small push on my chest and Logan got in front of me shaking his head.

"Stop yelling at him and calm the hell down." I shoved him aside, a little rough and bent down in front of Chris getting eye level with him.

"You think marriage and having a new born baby is easy? You think this is going to be fun and sugar coated because your young and new at this? Did you think the world will be easy on you and her?" He turned his head away closing his eyes. "You want to play house with her and act like you can handle all this by yourself…be my guest. But do not come crying to me the second your life falls apart. Because you're a man now and you know everything about the world." I stood up, to have Logan get in front of me again, putting a hand on my arm. I shoved him off and turned to the hallway to go to the stairs. Standing with her head down arms hung limp at her sides was Rose. I blinked a couple times but other than that, I had nothing to say or even do for her. She wasn't my daughter. Not my responsibility. I walked past her fast and took the stairs two at a time.

My blood was boiling and I really felt like hitting a wall, or maybe someone's head. I don't know what I was more pissed about…that Chris was making the biggest mistake of his life not got in to Notre Dame, or that he was giving it all away for a girl he got pregnant because he doesn't have self-control. It was probably a combination of the two which is why when I got in the bedroom I barely noticed everything set up. I tore off my sweater and tossed it to the floor without a second thought before going in the bathroom and flicking on the light. When I saw my reflection, I frowned and slowly walked back into the bedroom. The whole room was spotless with a fresh made bed. There were white and red candles placed around the room at different places, and on my night stand, there was a bouquet of red and yellow roses. The big kicker however was the box on the bed. I t was fairly big, with dark green wrapping paper over it, and a silver bow on top of it. I sighed and breathed out slow. "Feel better now?" I didn't have to look at the door to know Logan was there, and was very pissed off. "Some display you put on out there…you really helped our son see what kind of guy you really are." I turned to him fast and watched him walk in, going right to his desk in the corner. "You know who you reminded me of?" He pulled his chair back and sat down, spinning around to me. I clenched my jaw, knowing exactly where this conversation was headed. "Kind of reminded me of another Knight man…like you're dad."

"That's a low blow Logan and you know it." He sat up, looking 'confused' only pissing me off more. "My dad disowned me because I'm gay and was with you. Nothing that man ever told me, was because he loved me and was looking out for me." He nodded quick standing up and put up his hands chuckling softly.

"Of course not…so all that yelling was because you love your son and your looking out for him, is that what your telling me?" I cocked an eyebrow and he laughed tossing his hands in the air. "Well that makes perfect sense now! Because for a minute I thought you were just doing it because you're an asshole."

"How can you even want to support the decisions he's making Logan!? He's throwing everything away and for what? A high school relationship that he's stuck in because he doesn't know how to use his dumbass head?!" I took a step closer to him and pointed t the door. "Our son is going to college and not going to get married at 18! He isn't going to waste his life on something stupid like…"

"Rose or his unborn child?" His voice was low and dark and I relaxed quickly, realizing what I was just about to say. "I'm sorry but you…you are out of lien Kendall. And you are not going to scream at our children like that ever again."

"At least I didn't toss them aside so I could drink by myself and wallow and my own self fucking pity." This time, when the words I didn't want to say, came out, I didn't regret it or feel bad. I had a point and I don't care how hurt it made him. "You think you have any place to tell me how to raise our children?" When I saw the tears form in the corner of his eyes, I felt proud. I felt like I had won. I made my point, and that was the end of the discussion. "I'm going to give him an ultimatum. Either he goes to college and follows our rules, or he moves out and figures it out for himself." I turned on my feet and started to make my way to the bedroom door, he must have closed. When I pulled open the door ready to step out, he spoke. Softly, and quietly but I still heard hit.

"If you make him leave…I will too." I turned fast and saw him wipe under his eyes. "You aren't going to force our children into doing things your way Kendall. And you aren't going to make me feel bad for what I've done. I've tried to make everything right with those kids, and it's getting better. I know I'm not the best dad in the world but the way your acting isn't any better. "So if you give him that ultimatum and force our son to do something he doesn't, I don't want to be with you anymore. If this is your philosophy on children, then I want nothing to do with it. This…you standing here like this…is not the man I married and fell in love with." He breathed out hard wiping under his eyes again and I turned completely towards him shaking my head.

"I'm doing what's best for him. If you don't like it…you know where the front door is."

**SO…I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN A FEW THINGS HERE. FIRST…I GOT A FEW COMMENTS FROM PEOPLE ABOUT THE WAY THINGS HAD TURNED OUT, MOSTLY WITH KENDALL STAYING WITH LOGAN AFTER ALL THE SHIT HE PUT THE FAMILY THROUGH AND I HAD TO REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. I HONESTLY HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS STORY WOULD EVER COME TO THIS. BECAUSE THE WAY THE ENDING PLAYED OUT IN MY MIND WAS A HAPPY GO LUCKY FAMILY, ALL BETTER AND TOGETHER, BUT…I DON'T KNOW. THAT SEEMED LIKE THE EASY ROUTE TO TAKE AND YOU KNOW ME…I LOVE DRAMA! SO…WHAT DO YOU THINK?**


	16. Chapter 16: I Don't Miss You At All

**Logan's P.O.V.**

I had never felt my age until now, with the lifting and the bending. It was seriously taking a toll on my body. My back hurt to straighten out, and I'm afraid if I sit, I won't be able to get back up. I think the absolute worst part however, is how alone doing all this made me. The last time I ever moved, was when we just had Joey. We had to upgrade to the house I had just moved out of. More space, big backyard, close to the elementary school and a store. We had everything we needed in that small community, and even better, I wasn't alone. Not that I'm completely alone now. I just didn't have Ken…him. I'm so sad and pathetic I can't even think up his name. It was like poison hearing it. It made my heart hurt, but at the same time all I could think was…good riddance.

After hearing Kendall voice his true opinions about Chris and Rose's situation, it made me see him in a different light. And our first fight wasn't our last. For the next week or so, all we could do was scream at each other, because more thing started coming up. He had always thought in the back of his mind that I was going to cheat again. I had never really cared about what our kids did with their lives. I wasn't strict enough. I never made time for him…for our marriage anymore. He definitely showed me the real Kendall Knight, and for the first time…in forever, I was happy I wasn't going to have his name anymore.

The only downside to all of this was how it was going to effect the kids. Especially Sammy and Joey. When we decided that enough was enough and we didn't have the time or energy to fight anymore, we made it official and legally got a divorce. The documents were signed and the kids schedules were cut right down the middle. I'd get Sammy and Joey during the week, and Kendall would get them on the weekends. Not pleasant at all when they heard the news. But the absolute worse was when Maggie went before the judge who worked on our divorce and begged him to not make her go to Kendall's ever. That really…really hurt Kendall. And honestly, I could have cared less. She was almost 18, and the judge granted her wishes. Full time, Maggie would live with me. She never, under law had to see her father again, and while she was okay with it, so was I.

And of course after a long nights talk between him and I, Chris asked for a little help financially and made sure I was going to be okay, before getting his own apartment with Rose. That happened actually before the divorce. To say the house and the family wasn't breaking down and spiraling out of control would be a lie. To say that I was happy without Kendall, and didn't miss him…would also be a lie.

"Poppa?" I looked up quick and smiled seeing Maggie and Josh walking towards me slowly. They had two bags of fast food and a drink carry along with grocery bag and carefully set them down on the new counter. "You alright?" I nodded and breathe din the fresh scent of cleaner I had just been using to scrub the kitchen. "Well we got some lunch, and just as we pulled down on the street I remember we didn't have any kind of plates or utensils so I just grabbed some plastic ones for now." I nodded still walking to them and the bags and gently kissed the side of Maggie's head. "Oh and Chris called me. He said your phone went straight to voicemail but he's bringing a few house warming gifts and also offered to help with whatever."

"Don't they have their own place to unpack?" She giggled and shrugged and I gently leaned against the counter staring at Josh. "Hey…can you give me and Maggie a minute?"

"Of course…I'll take my burger and go see what I can do about setting up your TV." I smiled and nodded watching him grab a drink, soda and fries before walking out of the rather small kitchen into our small living room. Maggie leaned next to me and put her head on my shoulder, yawning small. "Your dad will be bringing Sammy and Joey by tonight. It's Sunday ya know."

"I don't have to see him right?" I shook my head fast and rested it on the top of hers softly.

"Just giving you a heads up sweetheart, and also wanted you to know that your brother and sister aren't going to be very happy with you not going with them." She laughed softly and I closed my eyes breathing in hard. "I know this will be the last thing you want to hear but your dad…he's not a bad guy."

"Says the man who just divorced him." I stood up straight and turned down to her, one eyebrow raised. She smiled and shrugged turning to the food and grabbing a thing of fries. "I know he's not…but right now." She looked up at me with big full brown eyes and smiled big. "I don't like the person he is being." With that she turned, swirling her skirt and hoped out of the kitchen out to Josh.

Although it wasn't as big as the last house, this one was respectable. It was in a very small and secluded neighborhood and as far as I knew, we only had one other person on our street. It was a new house, on a new lot so the buy was great. It was 4 bedroom, and only one level which I was actually grateful for. No stairs to carry stuff up and down. It was two car garage and covered in a wraparound porch. The backyard was pretty big, with a pool already built into the ground. Big selling point with Maggie. Everything about this house was amazing and I was glad we got it when we did, for what I paid. The only part that was missing was the happy and complete family.

I wondered around the house while eating my messy burger, desperately trying not to spill on the new beautiful carpet. I checked in my room, seeing boxes and boxes of my crap and the new, unmade bed the movers had just brought in. I walked slowly in trying to figure out how I wanted set the room up. I hadn't had my own room in a very long time, and for once I was going to be able to do with it, what I wanted. I walked to the bed, taking the last bite of my burger and sat down grabbing a box form the top of a pile close to my bed. I set it on the bed next to me and flipped it open reaching inside, trying to understand what I had packed and what kind of order I had packed it. Of course…I rushed out of the house quick, so who knows what's in this box.

The first thing I pulled out was a book. To be more specific, a photo album. My wedding photo album. I placed it gently on my lap not even trying to hide the smile creeping on my face. In a pretty cursive, printed in black on the very front under the picture of Kendall and I in our suites, was one of my favorite song titles. From a movie at least. I know I sound like a typical gay man liking a musical but it was more for the song than anything else. The black popped out against the white and my fingers started to trace over the writing. "_**Bound To You**__**". **_ I swallowed hard looking at Kendall's happy, adorable face, and wished I had a time machine to go back to this day, the day of our wedding and tell the very young naïve me, that this marriage and love would fall apart with no warning. I would have rather never loved then to love and lose the past 20 years of my life. That hurt worse than anything. The thought that I gave my entire life, my entire being to this man just to let him kill me.

I couldn't even look at the happy memories from our wedding, knowing they would just make me more upset. I placed the photo album on the bed beside the box and reached in again shaking off my sadness and anger. I again, to my surprise grabbed another photo album. I stood up frowning and looked inside, smiling quick. It was a box specifically assigned to photo albums and books. I looked at the front of this one just as I heard giggles form Maggie out in the living room. The photo album I was holding was of just Maggie. We made a specific one for each kid and lucky her, with her boyfriend still here, I wasn't going to miss this opportunity to embarrass the hell out of her.

I walked down the hall with an extra spring in my step clearing my throat. Before I could push a word out, I heard a small…bark. I stopped fast, hoping it was just from the TV Josh said he'd hook up. But I heard it again, and then I heard little paws hitting the hardwood in the kitchen. I walked slowly out to the living room seeing Chris down on his knees patting his thighs. Quickly a small, Golden Retriever puppy barged toward him carrying a tied up piece of rope two sizes bigger than his small body. I stopped by the new couch, still with plastic on it and started to shake my head. "This is my house warming gift?" All four of them turned to me and Maggie leaped over to me, making the dog bark and chase after her.

"Poppa I want him! I want to keep him please poppa!" She started pulling em forward and I went down to my knees in front of Chris, instantly getting attacked. With a tongue. A puppy tongue with puppy breath. I held around him gently as he licked my face and the kids laughed. "See he likes you already poppa…can we keep him please?!" I could only laugh and scratch the dogs back as he ran away to investigate. I turned my gaze to Chris and narrowed my eyes at him.

"Well I could have gotten you a cat but I know you're allergic so my only option was a dog."

"A plant would have sufficed Christopher." I felt two arms wrap around my neck form behind and a small kiss was planted to my cheek.

"Don't worry…she's potty trained." I smiled turning and watched Rose walk…rather waddle into the kitchen, holding her now showing belly. It wasn't very big, but big enough to make her have to go up in clothes sizes. I sighed out turning back to Chris who was looking at me worried.

"You look tired dad." I smiled and slowly pushed myself up, feeling bones crack. I rubbed my knees before standing straight up and pointing to the couch. He sighed softly also standing up and walking to the couch with me. We both started to tare the plastic off, without saying another word. I knew he was blaming himself for Kendall and me divorcing, because he told me so. I knew he was tossing and turning at night because of it but there was no way I could change his mind about it. He was stubborn like Kendall and obnoxiously caring like me. There was no way of breaking him or changing his mind, which was sometimes a good thing or a very bad thing like now. "Maggie told me he's coming over tonight." I straightened up balling the plastic up in my arms and nodded slowly. He gently, but assertively pushed me down on the couch and took the plastic form me. He held it in his hand and I leaned back in the comfy plush seat of the couch. "You won't be terribly pissed if I wasn't here would you?" I shook my head quick and yawned rubbing my face. "Okay…then I'm going to help for a bit, while you sleep. You look worn out dad you need to rest." I gave him a salute and he sighed shaking his head, and walking away. As much as I didn't want to and knew I shouldn't, I let the comforts of the couch and the very attractive lull of the sand man, pull me down, resting my head on the arm and tuck my legs up into my chest and drift off into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up to a start, hearing an unfamiliar dog barking. When I head the reason for her barking, knocks, I jumped up and hurried to the front door, flattening my hair on the top of my head, and checked my watch. 7 at night. I groaned knowing it was Kendall with the kids, and picked up the puppy, pulling the door open. I looked down immediately not daring a glance at Kendall and smiled big seeing Sammy and Joey. "Is that our puppy?" Joey moved forward first, dropping his dad's hand from his and I bent down chuckling.

"It is…your brother got her for you guys." I let go of the dog that jumped up and started licking Joey's face. He laughed loudly and pushed his Spiderman backpack off his shoulders. I smiled turning to Sammy who was still holding her dad's hand, looking down. I heard her sniffle, and with her free hand, she rubbed her nose. I stood up quick, finally looking at Kendall. I would have loved to see him drop to his knee, ask me to be his again, and tell me he loved me. But he didn't. He just sighed softly and patted the top of Sammie's head.

"You okay sweetheart?" She nodded fast and let go of his hand, running past me into the house letting the dog and of course Joey, chase after her. I watched them until they disappeared in the living room, and turned back to Kendall. He shoved both hands in his pockets and breathe din deep. "She's not having a good time adjusting. To the going back and forth between the two of us. She couldn't sleep at all last night or the night before. She said she kept having nightmares and kept coming in my room, asking if she could lay with me. After about 20 minutes she would leave, running out and crying loudly. I don't know what…I don't know how to help her." In my mind, I wanted to scream at him and tell him, 'Don't be a prick and come back in my heart'. That would fix a lot. But I had to bite my tongue. I leaned against the door frame and softly shook my head.

"I wish I had the answer but I don't know either Kendall. It's something that she won't be able to understand until she's older." He nodded slowly and I saw his eyes dart into my house over my shoulder. "Do you want to come in…see the place?" He chuckled quietly and looked down rubbing the back of his neck.

"I don't think that would be a good idea Loges. I'm not here for you…" I laughed louder than he had and straightened up, putting my hand on my door knob.

"Please Kendall don't flatter yourself. I wasn't asking so I could beg to get you back. It was a nice gesture I was trying to make so maybe we could sit down with our little girl and talk like adults to help her, but I guess we won't. So I'll see you Friday at 5." I stepped back in the house, and slammed the door hard in his face. I jumped hearing the slam and closed my eyes. But closing my eyes, meant the tears I had been trying to keep in, fell freely.


	17. Chapter 17: Distraction

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

"_Look at the camera baby…come on honey look at daddy!" Logan sighed in defeat and shook his head looking back at me. Or at least I assumed. "Kendall Knight! Camera up! This is our daughters first time riding a bike! Videotape her, not my ass-I mean butt!" The camera rose up and it showed Logan's bright happy young face. He had his hands on his hips, giving me a dirty look. _

"_What can I say handsome…I love your booty rump." He rolled his eyes turning back out to the street. The camera went back down to his butt and my hand reached out and slapped it, kind of hard but not a big one. "Kendall knight I swear to God I will-"_

_The screen went black momentarily and popped up again, showing Logan once more. This time he was shirtless, and only in boxers. He was on the edge of the bed, hands folded neatly in his lap, not even looking at the camera. "Stop pouting and smile big for the camera baby."_

"_I don't want to do this Kendall…I don't feel comfortable doing this." I appeared from behind the camera, only in a pair of black skinny jeans. I kneeled down in front of him and set my hand son his legs, and pushed them up, raising his boxers. His eyes went down to my face and I leaned up kissing him softly. He pushed away fast and put his hands on my face. "What happens if this gets out? We'll be that typical stupid, lame celebrity couple who made a sex tape and then mysteriously has it leaked…please tell me that won't happen…" I shook my head softly and his eye moved up to the camera and looked at it…_

I jumped up fast from the couch and hit pause. I moved towards the screen slowly and reached out with my right hand. When I was a foot away from the flat screen and gently touched the face of the man I hadn't seen or touched in real life in almost a week. I let my fingertips move over the face of the only man, only person I have ever loved and smiled small. I couldn't see him in real life for more than a few minutes, before I said something stupid, or he just didn't want to see me at all. I hated this so bad, but I had no way of being to fix it, at all.

I missed everything about him and even though I act like a jackass and I make stupid comments about him and my kids, I would literally do anything to take it all back. I would tell Chris he could marry whoever he wanted whenever he wanted. If only he'd talk to me or see me. I would tell Maggie I was sorry for hurting Logan, because I know the only reason she doesn't want to see me, is because I yelled and fought with Logan on everything. She hates when people fight. She probably hates me. And if I could, I would tell Logan, he was right, about everything. I would get on my knees and beg for his forgiveness. I would do anything. Anything.

If the hard knocks form my front door hadn't snapped me out of my trance staring at Logan's face, I would have stayed there all night. But knocks didn't stop, and they seemed to get louder. I frowned throwing the remote on my couch and walked to the front door, swaying slightly. When I pulled the door open, I yawned closing my eyes leaning against the door. "Yeah?"

"Well, well, well…this is absolutely fucking pathetic." I forced my eyes open fast and felt my mouth drop open seeing James standing in front of me. "Your son told me you were going through a phase were you uhm…how do I put this delicately…are being a complete asshole!" I started to shove the door closed but he steppe din, grabbing the edge and forcing it open. "It's one thing to divorce Logan and break his fucking heart, but it's another to fuck up your kids life. It's a new fucking low for you, you piece of shit!" He shoved me back hard by my shoulder and I hit the wall behind me hard. "How could you be so stupid man? You had the best life with the best guy as your husband and the best kids anyone could ask for! You threw all of it away, and for what?! Because you can't be wrong about anything right?!"

"I know James! I'm a dirt bag and a terrible father! What do you want form me?!" He stepped back a little breathing out hard. "Do you know what kind of personal hell I've been going through? Sitting in this stupid house day in and day out all by myself. Do you think that's fun for me? DO think I enjoy knowing two of my kids hate me? Do you honestly believe this is easy for me…to know how bad I fucked up and how I can't change any of it?!" I stopped, breathing fast and hard and felt the beers and Vodka slowly turning in my stomach making me queasy. I rubbed my head softly and put my head down closing my eyes. "Why aren't you with Logan? I would have thought with him being free on the market now…you'd be tearing down his door." I pushed off the wall and turned walking back into my small messy, dark living room. I huffed out hard, falling on the couch and closing my eyes. I heard the door shut from the front and laid down quick, tucking my legs up to my chest.

"Back to the good old days of being a bachelor huh?" I opened my eyes slowly and stayed laying down seeing James being down and grabbing the empty bottle of Vodka and a few of the empty beer bottles. He stood back up and walked out of the living room. I heard him toss the glass bottles into garbage can and rolled my eyes looking up at the TV screen. It was still paused on Logan's face, again, reminding me of what I lost and what I could never have back. When James walked back out, he moved quick to my feet on the couch and lifted them, and plopped down on the seat, setting my feet on his lap. "What are we watching?" I closed my eyes again trying to block him out and trying to hold down my liquor. "Dude…I'm really sorry about everything. I didn't know you two could ever separate. All those God damn years on the road with you two fucking and sucking dick on the bus…you couldn't have done it then?" I opened my eyes smiling and turned my head slightly to look at him. "I tried to call him, go see you guys at the old house but…everyone was gone, and he just let his phone ring off the hook. Finally I called Chris and he told me everything that happened. He wasn't quite sure however, the real reason for the divorce but he said it has something to do with him." He turned to me eyebrows raised and I sighed out softly pushing myself up and sitting on my butt crossing my legs, facing him. We were pretty close but he didn't seem to mind. Honestly I don't know how he could. I smelled like a distillery.

"It started off with Chris and Rose and their baby…I couldn't believe he would give up college and football for her and a baby. It just wasn't…logical to me ya know? And when I voiced that opinion to Logan, shit hit the fan. And everything else started coming up. The way he shut himself out of the kids life and mine when I had cancer, uhm…I don't know. In the back of my head I always was worried he was going to cheat again. Like every guy we walked past he was fucking them behind my back." He turned his head away from me and leaned back in the seat looking down at his legs. "Everything reached the boiling point James. We just turned quick, and in less than a week we started hating each other. Screaming about the little shit. It got so bad we couldn't even look at each other…breathe the same air. We both decided it would be best not just for us but the kids. Keeping them up at night with our fights. It wasn't fair." He nodded slowly and I shrugged feeling my body swaying again and raised my hand holding my head up with it.

"You know…I think it's probably best I didn't go see Logan. It looks like you need a friend more than anything. Where are the kids?" I laughed loudly and steadied my breathing feeling my eyes water up.

"Well Chris moved out, to his own place with Rose…uhm Maggie doesn't want to see me so the Judge allowed Logan full custody and my two little ones I only se eon the weekends, From 5 on Friday to 7 on Sunday. It's a real great life bro…" I felt a sob rip out of my throat as one of my famous cry sessions began again.

Except this time, I wasn't alone, with a bottle of Jack. This time two strong big hands grabbed my shoulders and pulled me on his lap. He held around me tight and whispered things, sweet things in my ear, to calm me down. It didn't work because it wasn't Logan, and I wasn't able to hold my kids the way I wanted. But just the physical contact from someone else beside myself, was a little overwhelming. I couldn't help but clutch onto his jacket still on his body. I tried to get my head clear and on straight, but him just being there for me, turned on my senses, completely. I pushed away from his neck, which he had pulled me into. He gave a small smile and gently patted my back, still around me. I don't know why, but I held his face softly leaned down. "Kendall what are you…" I cut him off pressing my lips into his just softly at first. I was expecting him to push me off and away, but he didn't. He did the exact opposite. He pulled me in hard and fast and kissed me back with passion. His hands found my lower back and pulled me in closer to him. Nothing was going to make sense after this kiss, and I didn't know what was going to happen after the kiss but because of the amount of alcohol I've had and where my head and my heart where at the time, I was really wishing it lead to something more. And then it did.

We fumbled standing up, still kissing and trying to tare each other's clothes off. We stumbled down the short distance of the hallway to my bedroom and by the time we did get in it, our shirts were off, and he was already starting to pull my pants down. When I fell back on the bed, I kept my eyes closed and took in a labored breath rubbing my hands over my head and down on my face. My pants were forced down, off my body and I heard them get tossed to the side. I opened my eyes slowly and watched James push his pants and boxers down at the same time and I felt my boxers start to tighten up. He was big…and I don't even think he's fully erect. "Fucking…Jesus Christ James." He chuckled, reaching down under my legs and lifting them up setting my ankles on my shoulders.

"Are you sure about this Kendall?" I closed my eyes sighing out softly and helped him push my boxers down. He lifted my legs and quickly pulled the fabric off and tossed them to the ground as well.

"Don't make me think James." I didn't have to see him or hear his response to know what he was going to do. I felt a small poke at my entrance and tensed up, arching my back, moaning softly. It wasn't Logan, and I couldn't see my kids for another two days but for the time being, James was a good way to distract me form all of it.


	18. Chapter 18: Half Naked

**Logan's P.O.V.**

It's funny to realize how much time I had spent, not on myself. Between being a father to four kids, always demanding attention, and having a sick husband, I never really got time to do some of my favorite things. Like reading some of my books, or going online to read new medical journals. I know that's like the epitome of nerdum, but it really helps me calm down, and feel good. After putting the little kids to bed, and talk to Maggie about her science project I got to grab one of my favorite books, a priceless bottle of wine and a soft warm blanket I snuggled up on my couch. With one light on over my head in the corner by the couch, I quickly dove into the book while sipping casually from my glass of blood red wine. Except it didn't last long. There was hurried and harsh knocks on the front door, making me jump up and fling my book to the ground, and almost spill my glass of wine. I almost tripped on my blanket hurrying to the door still clutching on my glass. I really didn't want the kids to wake up, because it was almost midnight and they had school tomorrow. So when I pulled the door open after unlocking it and un-doing the dead bolt I was more than pissed off, especially to see James. I jumped slightly hearing a thunderclap from the storm that wasn't supposed to be here until tomorrow night.

James seemed a little flustered, and actually just as pissed off as I am. He breathed out hard and took a step forward looking over my shoulder. "Are the kids awake?" I shook my head quick and he nodded turning his body and moved out of my way so I could see out in front of my house. His tiny sports car was parked out on the street and I could faintly see a body in the passenger seat. "We have a small problem…and I don't want you to get mad at me for bringing him here, but I didn't really know what else to do." I frowned and cocked my head eyeing him closely. "I went to check up on Kendall. You haven't been answering your phone and I didn't know where you had moved to, so I got a hold of Chris and he told me about everything and I went to find where Kendall was, from Carlos, and I got there and there was like 6 empty bottles of beer and then an empty bottle of Vodka on his floor. He was a drunk mess and he kept saying he hated how everything had turned out, and he wanted to see his kids…and then he kissed me." I froze quick and he moved forward putting up his hands and shaking his head. "But I pushed him away and he started crying and then tried to take off my pants and that's when he fell back and passed out on his couch. So I picked him up and took him here after getting your address form Chris again…and I want you to take him in because he needs you man. He really does, and I know you need him." My mouth had been hanging open since he said Kendall's name, and I honestly didn't know what to do, or what to say. "Let me just get him, and we'll talk." He turned quick and ran down the walkway towards his car.

After putting his sleeping body on my couch, and covering him with a blanket, the same one I had been snuggled in, I put the tea kettle on the stove and started boiling water. James leaned against the counter across from me and I avoided all eye contact at all costs. I hadn't seen James since I had kissed him and my world was falling apart. And now again…when my world had actually already collapsed here he was again, bringing me my drunken ex-husband to sleep on my couch. I didn't know if I should be really mad at him, or happy. Happy because Kendall was actually near me, and we weren't screaming in each other's faces. But I still hadn't really gripped the fact that Kendall was in my house, passed out shit faced drunk. "You haven't said two words to me Loges about this…it's freaking me out." I quickly grabbed two bags of green tea and put them in the mugs, then poured in the steaming hot water. I lifted one dark blue mug and gave it to James walking past him to the dining room table. I sat down fast swishing the tea bag around in the hot water. James sat next to me, at the head of the table. "Logan…come on. Talk to me." I sat back raising my eyebrows at him and shaking my head.

"You had to bring him here?" He sighed out hard sitting back sipping form his tea. "You should have just left him at his piece of shit apartment so when my kids wake up, they don't see their wasted dad on the couch and get their hopes up. I don't care what you think about what happened between us. I just thought you were my friend, and if you were you would not have brought him, and I'm going to ask very nicely for you to get him out of my house." He almost spit out his tea jumping forward slamming his mug down on the table. I remained completely stone faced shooting daggers at him.

"You're kidding right?!" I looked down, clenching my jaw, and locking it in place. "I know what this is…you are so fucking afraid of taking any God damn responsibility for anything!"

"I need to take responsibility for Kendall being a drunken asshole?!"

"The same way he did for you!" His palm slammed down on the wood of the table making me jump. A ton of bricks came smashing down on my head, leaving me dizzy and absolutely stunned. "You don't think I know you Logan? You don't think I know exactly why you threw your marriage and your love away?" He scooted closer on his chair and leaned on the table, lowering his voice, considerably. "You remember those times when Kendall came to your rescue? You remember when Kendall took you back, with strong loving arms after you had sex with another guy days before your wedding? Kendall has taken a beating from the people who've tried to hurt you, without giving it a second thought. Kendall has always been there to pick up your pathetic pieces of your life because he loves you, and what the hell did you do for him? You threw him under the bus and turned his kids on him. There was seriously a time in my life when I would have given the moon and the world just to be with you…but this you…" He paused looking me up and down, only digging the knife deeper in my heart. "This you, is not anyone I want to be associated with. You need a fucking reality check, and him being out there, is it. You know when I got to his house; he was watching old home movies of you and the kids. Yeah I see it man…he's a real asshole for fucking caring." He sat back crossing his arms over his chest, huffing loudly and angrily.

"You really know how to make a dude feel good about himself James." He frowned shaking his head at me and I sat back rubbing my hands over my face. Before either of us could say another word there were more knocks at my front door. I groaned pushing up, and walking to it, James not far behind. He may be really pissed off at me…or the situation…whatever, but he was still overprotective bear, James. I grabbed the handle pulling it open and surprise, surprise; saw Carlos's face and…Chris's? I cocked my head to the side and Carlos sighed, yawning and grabbing the back of Chris's neck, pushing him in past James and I. "What are you guys doing here?" I shut the door softly following them out to the living room. You could tell Chris immediately tensed up seeing Kendall on the couch, but Carlos never let him go. "You don't have to be here Chris."

"Like hell he doesn't." Carlos turned his fiery angry gaze to me and shook his head. "I don't know about James, and I don't know about your kids, but I am sick and tired of dealing with yours and Kendall's bullshit." The whole room went quiet except for a pair of feet walking in the room. I turned seeing Maggie walking into the room tying a robe around her body, I sighed turning back to Carlos w3ho had let Chris go and was looking around at us. "Did you know your daughter, Sammy, has been teaching herself the piano? And she is getting so God damn good." My lips parted slightly but he put up his hand and shook his head. "Don't try to say something stupid Logan. We all know the only reason this has happened is because you want to make up for when Kendall was sick. Because when Kendall was thrown into an awful situation, like getting fucking cancer, do you know what he did? He rose up to it, kicked its ass while still being an amazing father and tried to be an amazing husband. DO you know what you did Logan?" The way he asked it was extremely condescending but I decided not to bring it up, not wanting to make the situation worse. "You hid in the corner and pushed everyone away. So at the first chance, to get the good graces of your kids, you agree with them on all their dumb ass mistakes…" He turned to Chris and stared at him for a minute before looking back at me. "And you let Kendall get hit by the bus and then run over, over and over again." I swallowed hard seeing out of the corners of my eyes, both Maggie and Chris staring at me. Carlos raised a finger and pointed it right at me. "You are the only person who can fix this. If I didn't love you as my best friend and my brother, I would convince that judge to let the kids stay with Kendall full time. Fix it before it is too late." He sighed out hard walking past me, shoulder checking me and grabbing James arm, pulling him out of the room, past Maggie. I was left with nothing to say having my two best friends hating me, and tearing my ass apart. They knew all the right things to say to make all my deep, unknown reasoning come out.

All I could do was look between the two kids and hoped they would say something, anything before I did. Neither of them seemed phased by their father passed out on the couch and I don't know…I kind of wanted to desperately wake him up and ask, beg, and plead for his help. I knew he wouldn't give me any, but I was being pathetic. Until Chris spoke. "I need to go back home and be with Rose." I turned to him softly crossing my arms over my chest nodding and smiling small. "And I need to seriously think about college." My mouth parted slightly, but he pushed past me without another word, or even looking in my eyes. He and Maggie looked at each other, but no more words were spoken. Chris walked to the door, and I heard it pulled open, it went quiet. "Carlos left?" I frowned and started walking out to him, only to have him walk to me. "He drove me here…and I don't want Rose driving…"

"I can drive you…" He completely ignored me and turned to his sister. It was starting.

"Can you take me home Mags?" She nodded fast and turned, just as another someone was walking out towards us. Josh. My arms fell off my chest as he stopped short seeing me. His shirt was off and he had a dumb look on his face. Maggie turned back to me quick beat red. I raised an eyebrow and she swallowed hard turning back to Josh.

"I said to wait in my room."

"You had him over here?! In your room half naked?!" Chris yelled down at her, making her jump and Josh step forward. The first wrong move was to put his hand on Chris's arm. His second wrong move was when Chris pushed him off…Josh pushed back. I had no time to react. Chris was shoving Josh into the wall hard, and he was throwing punches. Maggie yelled at her brother to get off him, but her voice was lost in the fist's hitting bodies and their grunts. I quickly snapped into action and stepped forward to separate it, but I was too shoved. By Kendall. He stepped forward easily towering over both of them, and grabbed Chris, pulling him back hard. He stepped between them, on wobbly legs and breathed out hard.

"What the fuck is going on?"


	19. Chapter 19: Trail Of A Broken

**Kendall's P.O.V.**

"The last time I threw up like this…we were 27 and it was Carlos's birthday. We were fucking wrecked." I kept my head in the toilet bowl, holding my head up with my hands, and tense dup feeling a wet cloth on the back of my neck. I smiled small hearing and feeling Logan kneel behind me, rubbing my back, soothingly. Definitely not a very ex-husband kind of move. "Oh well there was when I first got sick. That was pretty bad." He chuckled softly behind me and I forced my eyes open pushing away from the toilet back into him. He gently guided me down and against the wall of his very clean and organized master bathroom. When my back and head touched the wall I watched him sit on his but next to me, facing me, pulling his legs up to his chest. "Please tell me…I didn't drive here drunk."

"James brought you over. I guess you put on quite a show." I furrowed my brows and he sighed out brushing off the knees of his sweat pants. "You were really drunk Kendall. You kissed him and he pushed you away and you started crying and tried to get his pants off. Then you passed out and he brought you here." I put my hands on my lap and nodded slowly seeing him watching me. "You want some water or seven up? I think I have some…or maybe ginger ale."

"I'm alright loges." He nodded and we went awkwardly quiet before the burning question on both our minds probably, came out of my mouth. "What the hell happened Logan?" His eyes went down to the floor, avoiding my angry ones. "How has everything gotten to this? What the hell happened to us Logan?" He pulled at the fabric of his pants shrugging his shoulders, kind of pissing me off. "You're not going to just get off that easy Logan Mitchell. You changed, completely when I was diagnosed. Why?"

"I didn't change Kendall I was just dealing with life. That's how I dealt with it. You have no room to talk. You screamed in our sons face because he wasn't doing what you wanted. If I'm not aloud to deal with things the way I want, you can't either."

"Oh and there it is!" I pointed a very accusingly finger at him making him frown, putting his legs down, crossing them. "Turning everything around on me so I look like the jackass! Everything I told Chris was to help him! I'm not just going to sit back and watch him throw his fucking life away! How can you just sit there and be okay with this?!"

"Because it's not my life or my decision Kendall! You can't be there all the time to tell him what's wrong and right! He has to make his own stupid ass mistakes!" I raised an eyebrow and pushed off the wall, letting my mouth hang open. He breathed out hard and pinched the bridge of his nose which could only mean he had a headache and he was either going to start crying or end up walking away. But I wasn't concerned with that.

"Wait…what did you just say?" He looked up at me quick scrunching his eyebrows together. "You think…this whole time you have thought what he's been doing is stupid and a mistake, haven't you?!" He turned his head to left, dead giveaway I was right and he had been lying. "You unbelievable prick! What the hell did you do that for?!" His eyes squeezed shut hard and I scooted closer to him, holding back my yells and punches because I was still a little woozy and dizzy. "You thought from the very beginning with him getting her pregnant was a god awful mistake and now, with them living together, on our money might I add, engaged planning a wedding, with again our money, this was a mistake. You've always wanted him to go to college, just like I always wanted him to play football. But you totally let me sail down shit creek, and for what?! Did you like getting a divorce? Do you like being alone!?" I made one slight move to touch his arm and he shoved me away.

"I've already gotten this speech from James and Carlos. I don't need it form you Kendall!" He turned to me tears glistening his perfect brown eyes. "What do you want me to say?" His voice was barely a whisper making my entire body go numb. He sounded so hurt. In so much pain. "I can't say sorry enough, so I stopped. I can't explain myself because no one will care and everyone will hate me. I…" He looked down wiping his eyes shaking his head. "I always had you to fall back on. You were my shoulder when I needed a cry, and my body guard when someone wanted to hurt me. I thought I was going to lose you so I pushed away our kids." I nodded, trying to make him get a long quicker, because I already knew this. "But then you got better and once again…you were the favorite. With our kids and the first chance I got, I tried to be like you and-"

"Wait a minute Logan." He looked up at me and I raised a leg resting my elbow on my knee and set my head in my hand closing my eyes. "What do you mean I'm the favorite? You think our kids have favorites?"

"Kendall who always wants to go toss the football around with you all the time? Who always goes to you when she wants money? And don't get me started on Samantha and Joey. Sammy begging for the superman piggy back rides, Joey asking his daddy to build him a fort all the time…It's just the truth Kendall and I was hit hard with it when Chris told us he was getting married. Yes Kendall…this whole time I've known how fucked up this is, and I have been so mad at him but I never wanted to tell him that, because you did it for us and I saw how upset he was at you and…" He trailed off swallowing hard and I put my forehead in my hand. "I would usually be worried that you'd leave me hearing this, but were divorced so it doesn't matter now I guess. Just know how sorry I am for what I let happen to you…to us." I looked back over at him and saw him lean back against the tub. He didn't look like he was going to cry anymore, which was probably because he had gotten all of this off his chest. He's probably been stressing and worrying about it since the beginning and I knew it was true, seeing the hair that was growing back on his head, slightly grey. It was actually pretty cute.

I don't know what had gotten into me, I might still be drunk but I flipped myself around, got right next to him and lifted his arm lying my head on his chest quick. He froze, especially when I wrapped both arms around his torso. I closed my eyes inhaling deep missing his scent just as bad as before. When I snuggled deep into him pulling him closer to me, he finally relaxed. One arm wrapped around my back resting on my arm where he gently rubbed up and down with his soft fingertips. His other hand went to my head where he rubbed over gently. What I wasn't expecting however was the soft kiss I felt to my forehead. It made me force my eyes open, and unfortunately shove away from his warmth and comfort. He put a hand over his mouth shaking his head, closing his eyes tight. "I am so sorry Kendall…I didn't…" I felt my cheeks burn from embarrassment just like the first time we kissed. It was okay then because I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend but now…we were a divorced couple, with 4 kids. It was different now extremely awkward. Just because he said sorry and I snuggled up on his body doesn't mean we can just go back to normal. We both still have issues we need resolved. Right?

I watched him look near tears, once again as he pushed himself up off the floor. He mumbled something about going to make sure Maggie and Chris hadn't killed each other, and hurried out only leaving a trail of a broken heart. I struggled to find the right words to say and find the right things to do. Divorcing him was a mistake. He was the love of my life. I should be with him forever and always like we had promised each other. And this wasn't just about us anymore. The kids were going through serious hell because of our disagreements on one of our children. That wasn't fair to them. This wasn't their fault, yet here we were, punishing them. Splitting their things apart, making them drive back and forth between the two of us. Their 8 and 7. They should be worried about their macaroni Owls, and chasing butterflies. If that wasn't the best pep talk I could give myself, I don't know what could be. I ran out of the bathroom, his clean and organized bedroom that looked a lot like our old one and hurried down this huge new house I had never been in. When I got halfway down the hall, I stopped quick seeing a bedroom door halfway open. I walked to it, smiling instantly. All 5 of them, Logan, Maggie, Chris, Sammy and Joey were on Joey's bed, snuggled together. Logan who had Sam and Hoe under his arms, was crying. I could faintly hear him say he was sorry over and over. Chris and Maggie who seemed pissed at him, were reassuring him they still loved him and weren't mad. He probably couldn't hear them over his own voice and the tears. I quietly stepped in the doorway leaning against it, seeing the sun slowly starting to come up. It was just the beginning of spring and if we had any lick the snow might melt away. Maybe if the snow melted away, so would all our problems. Maybe we could go outside and not be reminded of the hard times we had gone through. It was a slim chance but it might just be able to happen.

"Daddy…" Sammy pushed away from Logan, who closed his eyes hiding from me. Sammy sounded and looked tired as she trudged towards me. I dropped to my knees quick pushing the door open all the way and putting out my hands. She collided into my body and I held around her tight rubbing her back. "Are you here for good like Chris?" My eyes moved to Chris fast and saw him stand up, sigh and yawn walking over to me.

"Doesn't know how to keep any secret…" He got in front of us and we held each other's gaze. "Uhm…I know how much you hate hearing you were right but…I'm going to go to college. To play ball. I'm calling Notre Dame tomorrow to try to get myself on the team and registered before deadline. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you before."

"What about Rose and the baby?" He smiled small and fidgeted with his hands looking down.

"Notre Dame has a great criminal justice program Rose had been looking at. And just a short walk from the campus is a really nice daycare." I couldn't help the smile as he shuffled his feet and looked back to me. "We are also going to wait on the marriage thing, and were moving out of our apartment and going to pay you and dad back for everything. He's already said we can stay here until we graduate." I nodded slowly and softly pulled Sammy who was now passed out in my arms up and stood up, holding her on my hip. I know Chris isn't a very physical kind of guy, especially to me or Logan so I put out my hand. He looked down at it and then looked to me.

"DO you hate me?" He shoved my hand away hard and pushed into me, hugging me tight. I huffed out, but held around him closing my eyes. "I love you too Chris." I softly kissed his light brown short hair just as he pushed away and walked out of the room. I chuckled to myself and looked back in the room seeing both Maggie and Logan looking anywhere at me. "Where's Josh?" Maggie jumped up, stomping her foot and I walked in, right to Joey's little wooden chair at his desk. I sat down letting Sammy sleep still and looked up at Maggie.

"Chris kicked him out because you told him too. We weren't doing anything wrong daddy." I was grateful she was yelling because her sister and as I looked around her to see Joey curled up on Logan's lap, sleeping.

"Were you using protection?" Logan's face turned a nasty shade of green and she looked away, embarrassed. "I'm sorry I'm asking but I don't think I could handle another one of my children having their own children. So you can either tell us the truth or you can hear about safe sex from your old man. You're choice little girl." She bit her bottom lip and looked back at me stomping her foot again.

"We…haven't gotten to…that base yet to even need…protection." She put up a hand and shook her head fast. "But trust me! Rose has been telling em about being pregnant. I'm going to be using a condom daddy!" I rolled my eyes looking away but nodding. I saw a small smile on Logan's face and smiled back at him. He ran one of his hands through Joey's hair and gently placed him back on his bed, under his covers slipping off the bed. I looked back to Maggie who tucked hair behind her ear, looking between us. "Are you guys going to get back together because…" Both Logan and I looked to each other and she cleared her throat softly. "I may not know what it's like to be married for 25 years but from what you guys have shown us, and what you guys have taught me, whatever has gone wrong, isn't enough to throw away 25 years. I'm sorry if at any time me or Chris, or them…" She pointed ot her younger brother and sister before stopping on Logan. "Have ever made you guys fight. I know sometimes we can get crazy and we do or say stupid things but I don't want you guys to be divorced anymore." Logan walked to her quick cupping her face, and pulling it up to his to kiss her forehead. She wrapped around him giving a quick hug before pulling away and crashing into me. Her mouth was close to my ear and she whispered softly… "I missed you daddy". I closed my eyes fast and held around her back for just a second. She pushed away and as I opened my eye I saw her rushing out of her baby brothers room. I sighed softly standing up and looking down at Logan. He had his hand son his hips looking at the door and I cleared my own throat.

"Where's her room?" He smiled small nodding out of the room and walking out. I followed softly and quietly, as to not wake the sleeping princess in my arms until he walked in the room down the hall across from his. He walked in and quickly closed her blinds to block the sun out. I walked her to her pink and purple bed and laid her on her back, covering her up gently. I kissed her forehead before standing and turning to see him walking out of the room. I frowned and followed seeing him just go straight to his room. I Followed still and when he stopped suddenly and turned to me, I stopped as well. He was crying again. Bad. But not making any noise. "Loges?" He wiped his face, but continued to quiver his bottom lip. I stepped forward and he remained unmoved. "I…I love you. Take me back and make me better again. I need you…more than I ever wanted to admit. I'll do anything to have you back and to have our family back to normal. Please baby…tell me how to fight to make you mine again I-" I was cut off by two soft full pink lips pressing into my own lips. His hands went to the sides of my face, pulling em down to him, to deepen our kiss. I grabbed ahold of the sides of his torso and held him tightly afraid if I'd let go, he'd be gone again. The only time I was disappointed with our kiss was when he pulled away. He was out of breath and still crying slightly.

"I love you Kendall. Don't…don't leave em again please." I reached down quick picking him up under his legs and moved to the bed quick throwing him on and crawling on top quick. But this wasn't anything sexual. I just wanted to be in his arms and feel him clinging to me.

This was the start of our new normal.

**GOD THAT LAST LINE UP THERE/\ IS SO CHEESY…BUT IT PULLS THE TITLE INTO THE STORY, SO I THINK IT'S AWESOME. ALSO WHEN I WROTE THE LAST LIKE SEVEN OR SO PARAGRAPHS TO THIS CHAPTER, I WAS LISTENIGN TO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKES SONG, MIRRORS OVER AND OVER. IT REALLY GAVE ME SOME INSPIRATION SO LOOK OUT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER. **


	20. Chapter 20: Second Chance at First Love

**Logan's P.O.V.**

My hands weren't shaking because I was nervous. I wasn't afraid, and I wasn't worried. For once in about 6 months. There wasn't a small thought in the back of my head that would cause stress or doubt. My head was free of any negativity and my body and soul was free of any heartache and pain. Just like the fresh, cold spring rain that had started this morning was washing away all the bitter cold, and snow from a heavy, long winter, the beat, slow steady and soothing was also washing away the problems between myself and the body in front of me, holding me close. Even if in some sick twist of events I would want to break away from this dance, I couldn't. His hold on the small of my back, and the tight grip on my right hand was showing no sign of letting go. No complaints from me.

I had a weird feeling we were being watched closely. Everyone that was around us, was here because the loved us, and they had faith in us. That's why I wanted them here. TO know people, besides us and our kids believed us and wanted us to keep trucking along for the sake of love, made my eyes water. It hurt so much to know I could have lost all of this. In a blink of an eye my life was falling apart and I almost lost everyone I cared about. And now…in a faster blink of an eye I was dancing with the love of my life, to my favorite song, with our friends and family around us watching. It reminded me a lot like our wedding mostly because it was technically, by law, our wedding. Second one anyway.

It wasn't a hard decision to get back together. No one's arms were being twisted behind their backs, and neither of us hesitated to say 'I do' all over again. And for once both Kendall and myself were not thinking of anyone else but ourselves, and we were thinking about the love we had built and then destroyed and how we could rebuild. It wasn't going to be easy. I mean…maybe it will be. Maybe we will go to bed tonight, wake up tomorrow and start everything up again like nothing had happened. If it didn't happen like that, I could definitely understand. In fact I would welcome the challenge of waking up to find a little mess to clean up, or a small problem to fix. I would kiss the man of my dreams, thank the lord for the chance to live on this Earth again, and start my day. Everything that happened dafter this point in my 47th year on this planet, would be okay with me. I would understand why things happen and instead of trying to cover them up and act like the bad doesn't happen, I'll face it with Kendall's hand in mine, and our children surrounding us, hoping the pain will pass and the sun will rise again. Because fortunately for us, the sun does rise every morning. The world continues to spin and we carry on. Because we have to, unless we want to be alone, and unhappy. Blessings are usually in disguise and you can't ever pass them up. Patience is a virtue and I know now that I need to learn it, and live that way.

I found it easier and easier to fall asleep in his arms lately. I had always felt safe there, because he never let me go. He would never do anything to wake me unexpectedly or harm me in any way while I slept in his arms. That should a lot of trust for both of us and in this moment now, as I had my head on his shoulder and had my face pressed into the sweet, smooth skin of his neck, the trust was very evident. We were still dancing, but barely. He was doing most of the work, as he swayed us to that wonderful and beautiful beat. I wasn't sleeping because I don't think I could, standing up. But my eyes were closed and my breathing was slow and calm. Trusting him to guide me around the floor, making sure I didn't fall. I'm sure if I were to fall, he'd be there to pick me back up, or maybe even fall to the floor with me. I couldn't hear much moving around us, and figured because of how late it was, most people were getting ready to leave, or had already left. I honestly didn't care. I had him in my arms. That was all that mattered. I trusted him. Even when his hand holding up mine outside our bodies, let go of my hand, and slowly dragged his fingers down my arm and even moved to the back. They stopped on my shoulder blade and I opened my eyes seeing him tilting his head down, kissing above my ear. He nudged my arm, making me lift it up so I could set it on his shoulder. I did as he was silently asking me to, and his hand met the one already on the small of my back locking his fingers together. I couldn't help but feel a few fingers, graze over my butt, making my lift my head up and off his warm comforting body. I smiled big and quick and weaved my fingers through his short hair on the back of his neck. I parted my lips, making my smile bigger and he chuckled quietly, looking up and over my head. I heard footsteps approaching us, but decided to go back to my nestling into his neck, which he of course just let me.

"Joey is really tired but he won't go to sleep until you guys, or at least one of you guys tucks him in." I closed my eyes hearing Chris's soft voice and sighed out.

"We'll be in a minute. Can you make sure your Grandma is set up?" I opened my eyes hearing him walk away and lifted my head to again look at him. "You know…we've been dancing for almost an hour. You look exhausted…get up to bed." I shook my head slowly and glanced over his shoulder at the tables, all empty, with plates and trash surrounding them. I groaned mentally and he pulled me in softly kissing my forehead. "Don't worry about the mess. That's' why we have kids."

"I don't want them cleaning up by themselves. That's not fair." He shrugged and glanced over his shoulder at our now very empty and quiet backyard. Having the ceremony at our house was a no brainer. But now I was regretting it immensely. "We should have hired a cleanup crew…" He laughed and gently pushed away from me, and spun me out form his body. I smiled looking down at our feet and let him spin me. I stayed out away from him seeing him watching me. Our left hands were locked at the fingers and I softly pulled his hand away from mine. "Do you remember our honeymoon?" I slowly walked over to a table and sighed picking up a messy empty plate. He got right beside me, smiling small and bending down blowing out the candles.

"Vaguely…I had a lot of alcohol that trip." I laughed loudly and walked around the circular table picking up random trash and dirty plates.

"That's my point. We didn't have sex on our wedding night." We were at opposite sides of the table and he looked up, eyes locked on mine. "Is this one going to be different or…" I gently tugged at my bottom lip with my teeth and narrowed my eyes at him. I don't know why, but giving him that look, I've learned makes him crazy, and automatically horny. The trash he was holding dropped from his hand and he stood up straight looking at me with lust filled eyes and an open mouth, drool practically spewing out both corners of his mouth. I smiled hearing a few pairs of footsteps and turned to see Chris, and Josh walking out, their ties off around their necks and sleeves pushed up on their arms. "Hey guys…you don't mind cleaning up do you? We need to say goodnight to Joey and Sam…" Both of them shook their heads and I hugged both, giving Chris a small kiss to his cheek, walking away, leaving them behind saying goodnight to Kendall. I walked into the house seeing the house fairly clean with a few gifts on the living room table. I ignored them walking to the hall and going down it undoing my tie. I stopped in front of Joey's open door walking in quietly. He was already curled up in a ball under his blankets with his thumb in his mouth. I knew I was going to start breaking that habit of his, but not right now. I walked to the side of his bed and kneeled over it brushing hair rout of his face. I kissed his head softly and tucked the covers under the sides of his body. "Hey Joe…" He groaned quietly and I smiled resting one knee on his bed holding myself up outside his head. He opened his eyes and turned up to me, clearly exhausted.

"Poppa…I'm tired. I love you." I nodded and kissed his head again pushing off the bed.

"I love you too baby. Sleep tight hon…" I backed out of his room being as quiet as I could, hearing him already snoring. I shut his door half way and turned yawning myself. I stopped dead in my tracks seeing Kendall walking out of Sammy's room, next to Joey's. He turned to me and smiled.

"She's tucked in. She still had her pretty little pink flowers in her hair so I left them in." I nodded and he walked to me slowly, putting his hand son my hips and kissing me gingerly. "So Mr. I like to tease my poor helpless husband just because I can…were you all talk out there?" I wrapped my arms around his neck fast and kissed onto his mouth with passion and fire. He moved his body into mine and pushed me back until my back hit the wall just by our bedroom door. I reached out blindly for the handle of our door keeping the kiss going, by parting my lips and allowing him access. Just as his tongue dance over my teeth I got the door open and pushed it hard. I pulled him along with me, me stepping backwards holding onto him for dear life. I heard the door shut softly and broke away from his mouth, just so he could suck on my pressure point on my neck. I ran my hands up through his hair and tugged gently.

"You need to lock the door…" He moved away from me quick and I started to disrobe myself watching. When he turned back to me he was also taking off his shirt and kicking off his shoes. "You're mom told me Katie and her husband are thinking about another kid." He nodded and walked into me biting along my neck while I pushed the shirt off my body. "Your mother also told me when she gets back home she's sending a bunch of your old baby clothes for Chris and Rose." He nodded again ripping the shirt off his body, exposing tan, muscular flesh for my viewing pleasure. I swallowed hard reaching out and running my fingers over his chest, paying specific attention to his nipples. He groaned loudly and pushed me hard so I fell back on our soft huge bed. He wasn't in a chatty mood which was understandable. He was in a 'I need to fuck you now' mood and that was also understandable. I loved when he got in these moods because I really didn't have to do any work. He tore my shoes and socks off and aggressively tugged on my belt around my waist. "Hey…" I put my hand son the outsides of his face and turned it up to me. He unzipped my pants while staring at me and I sighed softly. "I love you." He nodded chuckling, leaning down and kissing around my belly button while pulling down my pants.

"Yeah…I got that from tonight." I lightly smacked the back of his head and lifted my butt just a little to let him pull my pants off. He kept my boxers on which frustrated me, but I held it in. When he stood up taking off his own pants I pushed myself up on my butt leaned out kissing the delicious v line on his right side. Just as I started moving my lips to the line of his pants he was struggling with I heard music. Like, kind of loud music. I pushed away from him looking up at him and saw him frown zipping his pants back up. "Chris and Josh…I'll tell them to keep it down. Stay here and don't you dare do anything without me." He kissed me hard on the mouth before turning and grabbing his white button up shirt pulling it on, but leaving it unbuttoned. I groaned watching him walk out and leave the door open. I glanced round our fairly dark room and got off the bed walking over to the nightstand on Kendall's side of the bed. I reached out for the lamp feeling around a bit for the little switch to turn on the lamp and sat down huffing out. I finally grazed past it and turned it sighing out and standing back up. Just as I was going to turn I noticed a good sized stack of papers on his nightstand and frowned sitting back down. I didn't like going through his things but when I saw the papers were in fact music sheets my curiosity peaked. I picked them up gently and put them in front of my face looking at the top. Of course there was no title, just three question marks. I scanned down the sheet slowly reading messy handwriting that could only belong to a frustrated and confused husband of mine. If he ever got writers block, his penmanship would fail and you'd be lucky if he could read what he wrote himself. However I did catch a few words that really tugged at my heart strings.

"_I can't ever change without you. You reflect me: I love that about you…" _I gripped onto the paper harder and felt my tear ducts working up again to make me cry for the 500th time tonight. I honestly don't think I could read anymore, even if it was legible. But again, more words caught my eyes. "_Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery."_ He was clearly writing about the struggles we faced but it wasn't in a mean and hurtful way. He was doing it in a way that neither fo us were taking the blame. He had married me again but there was a part of my mind that still thought I had messed up so bad nothing could be right again. Seeing these words, knowing he's been going crazy over finding the right words to say, made me believe everything could go back to normal.

"Okay…I gave them a firm warning to keep it down and…" I looked up seeing him stopped in the middle of the floor staring at me. "Oops…I forgot to put that away… uhm…it's not even close to done, and it's stupid anyway so whatever you read it's not even…good so…" he moved in front of me and took the papers form me softly opening the drawer of his nightstand shoving them in. He looked down at me just as I felt a tear hit my bare chest. "What's wrong? Was it that bad I made you cry with disgust?" I shook my head softly and he kneeled down in front of me putting his hands on my knees. "Babe…" I set my hands on his face and pulled him in kissing his forehead softly.

"Thank you." His hands move up to my hips and squeezed while he laughed.

"I didn't do anything Loges." I pushed his face away and nodded rubbing under his tired green eyes. I smiled and wiped my face with my shoulder.

"Yeah you did…you took me back. You gave me a second chance." He gave a small, very tiny crooked smile.

"Well you gave me a second chance I thought it was only fair I gave you one too." I nodded scooted closer to his body on the floor. My legs rested outside his body gently and I squeezed my thighs around his ribs. "You know…it took a while for me to realize this but no matter how frustrating you are sometimes and how many times we fight over stupid shit you are always going to be the one I'd continue to do it with. I had no idea that with you gone, out of my life, how alone I would be until it happened. That was scary for me Logan. You are the love of my life. I can't do the rest of this life alone and if you show me how I will fight to make everything right I will do it every day till the very end. Just show me how." Another tear escaped as I pushed into him kissing him softly, slowly and lovingly. His body lifted and he pushed me back onto the bed lying over me, one of his legs between mine. He grabbed both my hands and locked them over my head trailing his soft kisses down my jaw and to my ear.

"I trust you, and I believe in us. There is no more fighting that has to be done to make it right. Just don't let me be afraid again." He pushed over me so his face was inches away from mine and smiled.

"Of course my love. Never again."

_THE END_

**SO THE LYRICS KENDALL WROTE ARE FROM MIRRORS BY JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. I COULDN'T HELP BUT THINK THOSE FIT LIKE SO PERFECTLY FOR THE SITUATION AND I JUST LOVE THE IDEA OF THE SONG AND IT REALLY HELPED ME WITH THIS ONE SO…THANKS JUSTIN!**

**SO THAT'S IT FOR THIS KOGAN. I JUST STARTED A KAMES BTU IF THERE ARE ANY IDEAS FOR A NEW KOGAN AS ALWAYS PM ME!**

**AND I WILL BE IN THE MIDDLE OF LIKE 3 OR 4 STORIES SO I AM SO SORRY IF I DON'T UPDATE THAT MUCH. I WILL TRY JUST PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME. **


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